Wednesday 4th November 2020 - 20:39:24 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

NO Pictures - Just Jokes
Mobile User Friendly

Facebook - Crap Joke Central - Update 004

Nicked from FaceBook's: Crap Joke Central


Overheard in the pub:

A really brutally ugly guy walked up to a girl, squeezed her arse and said, "Give me your number, sexy".

The girl replied "Have you got a pen"?

The guy smiled and said "Yes of course".

She replied, "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing".


Overheard in the local Wat.
Did you hear about that Buddhist leader who retired and tended his crops?
He's now known as the Dalai Farmer.


I took a picture of myself with books on my head.
I call it a shelfie.


“I've always pictured ...

“I've always pictured myself taking selfies.”


A sharp decline in the number of mating owls has been blamed on the exceptionally wet winter
I guess it's too wet to woo


Ponderism for the today:

Surely, Noel should be Noe.


Overheard in the local pub...

If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.


Overheard in the Lecture Theatre...

The Chinese scholar was lecturing when all of a sudden the lights in the auditorium went out. He asked members of the audience to raise their hands. As soon as they had all complied, the lights went on again. He then said, "Prove wisdom of Old Chinese saying...

"Many hands make light work".


So what if I can't spell Armageddon! It's not the end of the world.


Overheard in the pub...

Last night when I was in bed with the wife, she asked me what I'd most like to do to her body.

Apparently, "Identify it" wasn't the answer she was after.


I had to send a duplicate application to get a job making retro cars at Citroen………They needed 2 CV’s


Nicked from FaceBook's: Crap Joke Central

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Anagrams and Scrabble Solutions
















Contributor: Howard

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Marriage Quotes from Famous Husbands

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
King David

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sasha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

The great question, which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Red Skelton

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.
Sam Kinison

I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.
James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murray

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy : 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Contributor: Joolz

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Gandhi at Law School

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, there was a professor, whose last name was Peters, who felt animosity for Gandhi, and because Gandhi never lowered his head towards him, their "arguments" were very common.

One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor, in his arrogance, said, "Mr Gandhi: you do not understand... a pig and a bird do not sit together to eat ", to which Gandhi replies, "You do not worry professor, I'll fly away ", and he went and sat at another table.

Mr. Peters, green of rage, decides to take revenge on the next test, but Gandhi responds brilliantly to all questions. Then, Mr. Peters asked him the following question, "Mr Gandhi, if you are walking down the street and find a package, and within it there is a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money; which one will you take?"

Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, "the one with the money, of course".

Mr. Peters, smiling, said, "I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom.

"Each one takes what one doesn't have", responded Gandhi indifferently.

Mr. Peters, already hysteric, writes on the exam sheet the word "idiot" and gives it to Gandhi. Gandhi takes the exam sheet and sits down. A few minutes later, Gandhi goes to the professor and says, "Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade."

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Overheard in the IT Department

Two Geeks chatting:

Geek 1 - "So, how was your weekend"?

Geek 2- "Unbelievable. I went to a bar on Saturday night, and met this really hot girl".

Geek 1 - "Yeah, Wow - what happened"?

Geek 2 - "Well, I bought her a few drinks, and then we ended up back at my place".

Geek 1 - "Really ?? So what did you do"?

Geek 2 - "Well, we started to get a bit cozy and then began to mess around".

Geek 1 - "Wow!! What happened"?

Geek 2 - "Well, you're not gonna believe this, but we were fooling around near my desk, and then things began to heat up, and we knocked my new laptop over onto the floor and..."

Geek 1 - "HEY - Wait a minute. You didn't tell me you bought a new laptop"!!!

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

A love story like this almost brings tears to my eyes

Alan and Sandra lived on a cove at Gull Lake Alberta.

It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over. Alan asked Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer.

She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Stacey won't mind."

So Sandra, being the good wife walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove. When she got home with the items she said, "Alan, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey's store. Why didn't you just give me some money?"

Alan replied, "Well, Sandra, I didn't want to send you out there with cash when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was!"

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

New York Emergency Call Center Worker Dismissed

An Emergency Call Centre worker in new York has been dismissed from his job, much to the dismay of his colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with the treatment.

It seems a male caller dialed "911" from a mobile phone saying, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I'm waiting for a train to come so I can finally meet My Maker".

Apparently "remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response.

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

All Clean Jokes from Fabulous Jewish Comedians

You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days: Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Joey Bishop, Milton Berle, Jan Murray, Danny Kaye, Henny Youngman, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason, Woody Allen, Lenny Bruce, George Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Carl Reiner, Shelley Berman, Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield, Don Rickles, Jack Benny, Mansel Rubenstein and so many others.

There was not one single swear word in their comedy!

Here are a few examples:

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back".
  Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60"!
  Patient: "I am 60"!
  Doctor: "See! What did I tell you"?

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears".
  Doctor: "Don't answer"!

* A drunk was in front of a judge.
  The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking".
  The drunk says "Okay, let's get started".

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
  They're worth it.
* The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

* There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
  In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

* A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you"?
  "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak".
  The son said, "Why are you so weak"?
  She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days".
  The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days"?
  The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call".

* A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
  She asks, "What part is it"?
  The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband".
  The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part".

* Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days".
  "Force yourself", she replied.

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody".

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler will let go.

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Childbirth for the Elderly

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby' I asked?

'Not yet', she said. 'I'll make coffee and we can talk for a while first'.

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now'?

'No, not yet', she said.

After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now'?

'No, not yet', replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby'?

'When she cries', she told me!!!

'When she cries', I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he cries'?

'Because I forgot where I left her, OK'?!!!

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Female Distracted Driving Incident

Everyone reading this will enjoy it - no matter which gender you are......

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a Woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror and putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds...
So I could continue shaving and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on her mnakeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily, but she scared me so much; I had to put on my seat belt and I dropped my electric shaver, Which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all The confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my Cell Phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs! Splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers!!!

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Old Jokes   210    211    212    213  214  215    216    217    218   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

Fuelled by: CodeIgniter - ver: 3.1.11  Debug: / 715,728Mb / 20:39:24 / 200 / No Errors