Friday 24th May 2019 - 17:46:51 

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Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2014


Top Ten One-Liners


  1. I've decided to sell my Hoover - well, it was just collecting dust.
    Tim Vine

  2. I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set.
    Masai Graham

  3. Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief.
    Mark Watson

  4. I was given some sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number 1s and number 2s.
    Bec Hill

  5. I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me.
    Ria Lina

  6. Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.
    Paul F Taylor

  7. Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying.
    Scott Capurro

  8. I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven.
    Jason Cook

  9. This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it."
    Felicity Ward

  10. I forgot my inflatable Michael Gove, which is a shame 'cause halfway through he disappears up his own backside.
    Kevin Day


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Current British Humour

  • It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters in Birmingham.
    They are putting some Persil in to stop the coloureds running.

  • Two Muslims crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .....
    Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-Dam.

  • Riots in Wythenshawe last month caused over a million pounds worth of improvements.

  • Muslims have gone on the rampage in Liverpool, killing anyone who's English.
    Police fear the death toll could be as high as 1.

  • Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today; she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
    I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

  • They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester Luton and London ..
    Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

  • Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the Doctor away."
    But since all the doctors in England are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!

  • A pharmacist walked into his shop in Paddington to find a Pakistani leaning against the wall.

    "What's wrong with him?", he asked his assistant.

    "He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire box of laxatives."

    "You idiot" said the chemist, "You can't stop a cough with laxatives."

    "Of course you can" the assistant replied,

    "Look at him..... he daren't cough now !!”



Contributor: Brenda



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Ponderism-117

1: Notice at Church
Do not leave your mobile, purses, wallets, hand-bags, girlfriends unattended; others
may think it is an answer to their prayers.

2: Who is a Psychiatrist?
Is a qualified person who gives you an expensive and critical analysis about yourself, to which your spouse also gives it to you for free & daily too!

3: Scotch is a brilliant Invention.
One double and you start feeling single again.

4: Global recession and financial crisis have become so critical and serious now-a-days that...
The majority of men have started loving their own wives!

5: No matter how many times the Teeth bite the Tongue….
The tongue still stays together with the teeth in the mouth; that is the Spirit of ' Forgiveness '!




Contributor: jlo


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Lexophiles - Lovers of Words - version - 001


Definition: Lexophile: (Lovers of Words) is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as
"you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless”.

A competition to see who can come up with the best lexphillies is held every year in an undisclosed location.

This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.


... When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

... When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

... The batteries were given out free of charge.

... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

... A will is a dead giveaway.

... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

... A boiled egg is hard to beat.

... When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.

... Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

... Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

... A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

... When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

... He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

... When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

... Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

... Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.


Contributor: jlo


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Facebook - Crap Joke Central - Update 004


Nicked from FaceBook's: Crap Joke Central

================================

Overheard in the pub:

A really brutally ugly guy walked up to a girl, squeezed her arse and said, "Give me your number, sexy".

The girl replied "Have you got a pen"?

The guy smiled and said "Yes of course".

She replied, "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing".

================================

Overheard in the local Wat.
Did you hear about that Buddhist leader who retired and tended his crops?
He's now known as the Dalai Farmer.

================================

I took a picture of myself with books on my head.
I call it a shelfie.

================================

“I've always pictured ...

“I've always pictured myself taking selfies.”

================================

A sharp decline in the number of mating owls has been blamed on the exceptionally wet winter
I guess it's too wet to woo

================================

Ponderism for the today:

Surely, Noel should be Noe.

================================

Overheard in the local pub...

If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.

================================

Overheard in the Lecture Theatre...

The Chinese scholar was lecturing when all of a sudden the lights in the auditorium went out. He asked members of the audience to raise their hands. As soon as they had all complied, the lights went on again. He then said, "Prove wisdom of Old Chinese saying...

"Many hands make light work".

================================

So what if I can't spell Armageddon! It's not the end of the world.

================================

Overheard in the pub...

Last night when I was in bed with the wife, she asked me what I'd most like to do to her body.

Apparently, "Identify it" wasn't the answer she was after.

================================

I had to send a duplicate application to get a job making retro cars at Citroen………They needed 2 CV’s

================================

Nicked from FaceBook's: Crap Joke Central


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Anagrams and Scrabble Solutions



PRESBYTERIAN BEST IN PRAYER



ASTRONOMER MOON STARER



DESPERATION A ROPE ENDS IT



THE EYES THEY SEE



GEORGE BUSH HE BUGS GORE



THE MORSE CODE HERE COME DOTS



DORMITORY DIRTY ROOM



SLOT MACHINES CASH LOST IN ME



ANIMOSITY IS NO AMITY



ELECTION RESULTS LIES - LET'S RECOUNT



SNOOZE ALARMS ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S



A DECIMAL POINT I'M A DOT IN PLACE



THE EARTHQUAKES THAT QUEER SHAKE



ELEVEN PLUS TWO TWELVE PLUS ONE



MOTHER-IN-LAW WOMAN HITLER







Contributor: Howard








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Marriage Quotes from Famous Husbands


When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
King David



After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sasha Guitry



By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates



Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous



The great question, which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"
Dumas



I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud



Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Red Skelton



There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.
Sam Kinison



I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.
James Holt McGavra



Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murray



The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
Nash



You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous



My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
Henny Youngman



A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield



A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous



First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy : 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous



Contributor: Joolz


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Gandhi at Law School

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, there was a professor, whose last name was Peters, who felt animosity for Gandhi, and because Gandhi never lowered his head towards him, their "arguments" were very common.

One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor, in his arrogance, said, "Mr Gandhi: you do not understand... a pig and a bird do not sit together to eat ", to which Gandhi replies, "You do not worry professor, I'll fly away ", and he went and sat at another table.




Mr. Peters, green of rage, decides to take revenge on the next test, but Gandhi responds brilliantly to all questions. Then, Mr. Peters asked him the following question, "Mr Gandhi, if you are walking down the street and find a package, and within it there is a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money; which one will you take?"

Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, "the one with the money, of course".

Mr. Peters, smiling, said, "I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom.

"Each one takes what one doesn't have", responded Gandhi indifferently.




Mr. Peters, already hysteric, writes on the exam sheet the word "idiot" and gives it to Gandhi. Gandhi takes the exam sheet and sits down. A few minutes later, Gandhi goes to the professor and says, "Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade."







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Overheard in the IT Department


Two Geeks chatting:

Geek 1 - "So, how was your weekend"?

Geek 2- "Unbelievable. I went to a bar on Saturday night, and met this really hot girl".

Geek 1 - "Yeah, Wow - what happened"?

Geek 2 - "Well, I bought her a few drinks, and then we ended up back at my place".

Geek 1 - "Really ?? So what did you do"?

Geek 2 - "Well, we started to get a bit cozy and then began to mess around".

Geek 1 - "Wow!! What happened"?

Geek 2 - "Well, you're not gonna believe this, but we were fooling around near my desk, and then things began to heat up, and we knocked my new laptop over onto the floor and..."

Geek 1 - "HEY - Wait a minute. You didn't tell me you bought a new laptop"!!!


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A love story like this almost brings tears to my eyes


Alan and Sandra lived on a cove at Gull Lake Alberta.

It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over. Alan asked Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer.

She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Stacey won't mind."

So Sandra, being the good wife walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove. When she got home with the items she said, "Alan, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey's store. Why didn't you just give me some money?"

Alan replied, "Well, Sandra, I didn't want to send you out there with cash when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was!"


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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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