Thursday 5th November 2020 - 03:18:13 

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Little Johnny needs no Guidance Counselor

A teacher asked the kids in her 3rd grade class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decided not to acknowledge what he said and simply tried to continue with the lesson.

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Little Johnny’s hooker."

Contributor: Irving P (HAH)

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Tonsils vs Circumcision

Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations.

Theirs will be first on the schedule.

The older boy leans over and asks,

"What are you having done?"

The second boy says, "I'm getting my tonsils out and I'm afraid."

The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a doddle."

The second boy then asks, "What are you going in for?"

The first boy says, "Circumcision."

"Whoa!" the smaller boy replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

Contributor: Charles M (HAH)

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Facebook - Crap Joke Central - Update 005

Nicked from FaceBook Crap Joke Central - New members always welcome

Overheard in a restaurant...
"Waiter!" shouted the furious diner, "how dare you serve me this! There's a twig in my soup"!
"My apologies, "said the waiter. "I'll inform the branch manager".

Overheard at Tesco.
I always get in the shortest checkout line that way you stand a better chance to get to the cashier before the prices go up.

I took a poll yesterday! And 100% of people were annoyed that theyre tent had fallen down.

The husband plopped down on the couch to watch the footy on the tele' and told his wife: "Get me a beer before it starts!"
The wife sighed and got him a beer.
Ten minutes later, he said: "Get me another beer before it starts!"
She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him.
He finished that beer and said: "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"
The wife was furious. "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore..."
The man sighed and said: "It's started."

Whiteboards are remarkable!

Overheard at the polling station.
Earl Grey was away on business during the election. So he cast an absent-tea ballot.

I just had a WKD with ice in it.
It was Wicked.

A delivery man knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."
I said, "you've got the wrong house then mate! "

A grasshopper goes into a bar, hops up on the counter and says to the bartender, "give me a drink."
The bartender says, "hey, there's a cocktail named after you!"
The grasshopper says, "you mean there's a drink called Bob?"

Where do Abba eat their dinner?
They go Fer Nando's.

Everyone's blaming me for the animal noises on the video conference at work. Seems I've been made into a Skypegoat

After years of research scientists have identified the biggest cause of dry skin...

As Google's new driver-less car has no steering wheel or pedals, what does it use to get you to your destination?
Search engine.

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Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2014

Top Ten One-Liners

  1. I've decided to sell my Hoover - well, it was just collecting dust.
    Tim Vine

  2. I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set.
    Masai Graham

  3. Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief.
    Mark Watson

  4. I was given some sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number 1s and number 2s.
    Bec Hill

  5. I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me.
    Ria Lina

  6. Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.
    Paul F Taylor

  7. Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying.
    Scott Capurro

  8. I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven.
    Jason Cook

  9. This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it."
    Felicity Ward

  10. I forgot my inflatable Michael Gove, which is a shame 'cause halfway through he disappears up his own backside.
    Kevin Day

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Current British Humour

  • It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters in Birmingham.
    They are putting some Persil in to stop the coloureds running.

  • Two Muslims crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .....
    Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-Dam.

  • Riots in Wythenshawe last month caused over a million pounds worth of improvements.

  • Muslims have gone on the rampage in Liverpool, killing anyone who's English.
    Police fear the death toll could be as high as 1.

  • Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today; she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
    I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

  • They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester Luton and London ..
    Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

  • Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the Doctor away."
    But since all the doctors in England are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!

  • A pharmacist walked into his shop in Paddington to find a Pakistani leaning against the wall.

    "What's wrong with him?", he asked his assistant.

    "He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire box of laxatives."

    "You idiot" said the chemist, "You can't stop a cough with laxatives."

    "Of course you can" the assistant replied,

    "Look at him..... he daren't cough now !!”

Contributor: Brenda

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1: Notice at Church
Do not leave your mobile, purses, wallets, hand-bags, girlfriends unattended; others
may think it is an answer to their prayers.

2: Who is a Psychiatrist?
Is a qualified person who gives you an expensive and critical analysis about yourself, to which your spouse also gives it to you for free & daily too!

3: Scotch is a brilliant Invention.
One double and you start feeling single again.

4: Global recession and financial crisis have become so critical and serious now-a-days that...
The majority of men have started loving their own wives!

5: No matter how many times the Teeth bite the Tongue….
The tongue still stays together with the teeth in the mouth; that is the Spirit of ' Forgiveness '!

Contributor: jlo

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Lexophiles - Lovers of Words - version - 001

Definition: Lexophile: (Lovers of Words) is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as
"you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless”.

A competition to see who can come up with the best lexphillies is held every year in an undisclosed location.

This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

... When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

... When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

... The batteries were given out free of charge.

... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

... A will is a dead giveaway.

... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

... A boiled egg is hard to beat.

... When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.

... Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

... Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

... A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

... When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

... He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

... When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

... Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

... Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

Contributor: jlo

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Facebook - Crap Joke Central - Update 004

Nicked from FaceBook's: Crap Joke Central


Overheard in the pub:

A really brutally ugly guy walked up to a girl, squeezed her arse and said, "Give me your number, sexy".

The girl replied "Have you got a pen"?

The guy smiled and said "Yes of course".

She replied, "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing".


Overheard in the local Wat.
Did you hear about that Buddhist leader who retired and tended his crops?
He's now known as the Dalai Farmer.


I took a picture of myself with books on my head.
I call it a shelfie.


“I've always pictured ...

“I've always pictured myself taking selfies.”


A sharp decline in the number of mating owls has been blamed on the exceptionally wet winter
I guess it's too wet to woo


Ponderism for the today:

Surely, Noel should be Noe.


Overheard in the local pub...

If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.


Overheard in the Lecture Theatre...

The Chinese scholar was lecturing when all of a sudden the lights in the auditorium went out. He asked members of the audience to raise their hands. As soon as they had all complied, the lights went on again. He then said, "Prove wisdom of Old Chinese saying...

"Many hands make light work".


So what if I can't spell Armageddon! It's not the end of the world.


Overheard in the pub...

Last night when I was in bed with the wife, she asked me what I'd most like to do to her body.

Apparently, "Identify it" wasn't the answer she was after.


I had to send a duplicate application to get a job making retro cars at Citroen………They needed 2 CV’s


Nicked from FaceBook's: Crap Joke Central

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Anagrams and Scrabble Solutions
















Contributor: Howard

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Marriage Quotes from Famous Husbands

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
King David

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sasha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

The great question, which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Red Skelton

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.
Sam Kinison

I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.
James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murray

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy : 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Contributor: Joolz

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Old Jokes   210    211    212    213  214  215    216    217    218   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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