Wednesday 4th November 2020 - 23:46:07 

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Murphy and his Buttered Toast

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up. He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-side-down, so he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan. He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen, but he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes. He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy.

"Oh my Lord," says Father Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a miracle... No... Wait... It's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photographs, and so on..."

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.

Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Something has definitely happened which cannot be explained by Earthly means. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle and all other explanations must be ruled out. And so, unfortunately for that very reason, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think that Murphy may have simply buttered the toast on the wrong side!"

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Signs of the times

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language.

The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign.

The man thought that was great. A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly.

The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"

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Texas vs Scottish Potatoes

A Scottish farmer wa in his field digging up his potatoes.

A visiting American farmer looked over the fence and said "In Texas we grow potatoes five times larger than that!"

The Scotsman replied "Ah, but we grow them for out own mouths!"

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Little Johnny needs no Guidance Counselor

A teacher asked the kids in her 3rd grade class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decided not to acknowledge what he said and simply tried to continue with the lesson.

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Little Johnny’s hooker."

Contributor: Irving P (HAH)

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Tonsils vs Circumcision

Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations.

Theirs will be first on the schedule.

The older boy leans over and asks,

"What are you having done?"

The second boy says, "I'm getting my tonsils out and I'm afraid."

The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a doddle."

The second boy then asks, "What are you going in for?"

The first boy says, "Circumcision."

"Whoa!" the smaller boy replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

Contributor: Charles M (HAH)

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Facebook - Crap Joke Central - Update 005

Nicked from FaceBook Crap Joke Central - New members always welcome

Overheard in a restaurant...
"Waiter!" shouted the furious diner, "how dare you serve me this! There's a twig in my soup"!
"My apologies, "said the waiter. "I'll inform the branch manager".

Overheard at Tesco.
I always get in the shortest checkout line that way you stand a better chance to get to the cashier before the prices go up.

I took a poll yesterday! And 100% of people were annoyed that theyre tent had fallen down.

The husband plopped down on the couch to watch the footy on the tele' and told his wife: "Get me a beer before it starts!"
The wife sighed and got him a beer.
Ten minutes later, he said: "Get me another beer before it starts!"
She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him.
He finished that beer and said: "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"
The wife was furious. "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore..."
The man sighed and said: "It's started."

Whiteboards are remarkable!

Overheard at the polling station.
Earl Grey was away on business during the election. So he cast an absent-tea ballot.

I just had a WKD with ice in it.
It was Wicked.

A delivery man knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."
I said, "you've got the wrong house then mate! "

A grasshopper goes into a bar, hops up on the counter and says to the bartender, "give me a drink."
The bartender says, "hey, there's a cocktail named after you!"
The grasshopper says, "you mean there's a drink called Bob?"

Where do Abba eat their dinner?
They go Fer Nando's.

Everyone's blaming me for the animal noises on the video conference at work. Seems I've been made into a Skypegoat

After years of research scientists have identified the biggest cause of dry skin...

As Google's new driver-less car has no steering wheel or pedals, what does it use to get you to your destination?
Search engine.

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Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2014

Top Ten One-Liners

  1. I've decided to sell my Hoover - well, it was just collecting dust.
    Tim Vine

  2. I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set.
    Masai Graham

  3. Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief.
    Mark Watson

  4. I was given some sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number 1s and number 2s.
    Bec Hill

  5. I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me.
    Ria Lina

  6. Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.
    Paul F Taylor

  7. Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying.
    Scott Capurro

  8. I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven.
    Jason Cook

  9. This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it."
    Felicity Ward

  10. I forgot my inflatable Michael Gove, which is a shame 'cause halfway through he disappears up his own backside.
    Kevin Day

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Current British Humour

  • It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters in Birmingham.
    They are putting some Persil in to stop the coloureds running.

  • Two Muslims crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .....
    Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-Dam.

  • Riots in Wythenshawe last month caused over a million pounds worth of improvements.

  • Muslims have gone on the rampage in Liverpool, killing anyone who's English.
    Police fear the death toll could be as high as 1.

  • Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today; she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
    I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

  • They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester Luton and London ..
    Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

  • Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the Doctor away."
    But since all the doctors in England are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!

  • A pharmacist walked into his shop in Paddington to find a Pakistani leaning against the wall.

    "What's wrong with him?", he asked his assistant.

    "He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire box of laxatives."

    "You idiot" said the chemist, "You can't stop a cough with laxatives."

    "Of course you can" the assistant replied,

    "Look at him..... he daren't cough now !!”

Contributor: Brenda

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1: Notice at Church
Do not leave your mobile, purses, wallets, hand-bags, girlfriends unattended; others
may think it is an answer to their prayers.

2: Who is a Psychiatrist?
Is a qualified person who gives you an expensive and critical analysis about yourself, to which your spouse also gives it to you for free & daily too!

3: Scotch is a brilliant Invention.
One double and you start feeling single again.

4: Global recession and financial crisis have become so critical and serious now-a-days that...
The majority of men have started loving their own wives!

5: No matter how many times the Teeth bite the Tongue….
The tongue still stays together with the teeth in the mouth; that is the Spirit of ' Forgiveness '!

Contributor: jlo

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Lexophiles - Lovers of Words - version - 001

Definition: Lexophile: (Lovers of Words) is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as
"you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless”.

A competition to see who can come up with the best lexphillies is held every year in an undisclosed location.

This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

... When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

... When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

... The batteries were given out free of charge.

... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

... A will is a dead giveaway.

... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

... A boiled egg is hard to beat.

... When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.

... Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

... Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

... A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

... When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

... He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

... When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

... Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

... Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

Contributor: jlo

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Old Jokes   211    212    213    214  215  216    217    218    219  

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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