Tuesday 20th August 2019 - 00:11:02 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

NO Pictures - Just Jokes
Mobile User Friendly


Note on Fridge - PRICELESS

Found on the Refrigerator One Morning


My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy.

I am very happy with you, and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.



When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:



My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old.

As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.



Contributor: Jeremy


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


The biker who killed a bird

A motorcyclist is blasting down a nice, curvy back road when a bird flys in front of him and is hit by the windshield. The rider looks back and sees the bird lying motionless in the road. Concerned, he goes back and sees that the bird is still breathing although it is knocked out.

He carefully tucks it into his tank bag and rides home with it. At home he digs through a closet and finds an old bird cage that an ex-girlfriend had left behind.

He puts the little bird in the cage and leaves to go buy some birdseed.

While the rider is away the small bird comes to and realizing it is caged hangs down it's head and remarks:

"****, I must've killed that biker!"


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


The Door is the answer


(Whew! What a relief to learn this ... )

Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was?

Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses...

Psychologists at the University of York, UK have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as an Event Boundary in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next. Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for the new locale.

Thank goodness for studies like this. It's not our age, it's that damn door!

Did I send this to you already?


Contributor: Charles M, HAH


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Wives sending SMS Messages to their husbands

There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husbands?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember.

The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective husbands: I love you, sweetheart.

Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.

Here are some of the replies:

1. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
2. What now? Did you crash the car again?
3. I don't understand. What do you mean?
4. What did you do now? I won't forgive you this time!!!
5. ??!!??
6. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
7. Am I dreaming??????
8. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today!
9. I asked you not to drink anymore!!

And the best one:
10. Who is THIS???


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Political Aphorisms

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
~ Jay Leno


The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~ Henry Cate, VII


We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
~ Aesop


If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
~ Will Rogers


Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~ Nikita Khrushchev


When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow


Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
~ Author unknown


Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~ John Quinton


Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer


I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~ Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952


A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan


I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle


Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson


There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on Congressmen.
~Will Rogers


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


The New Signature

Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard, saved his pennies, and started a small business. It did well, and soon he had enough money to send for the wife and children. The work kept him very busy, so he never had time to learn to write, but the bank was happy to do business with him, even though his signature consisted of two X’s.

He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred to private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with one staircase going nowhere just for show)…you get the idea.

One day his banker, Mr. Smith, asked him to drop by.

“So vat’s the problem?” Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously.

Smith waved a bunch of checks at him. “Perhaps nothing,” he said, “but I wanted to be on the safe side. These recent checks of yours are all signed with 3 X’s, but your signature of record has just 2.”

Greenberg looked embarrassed. “I’m sorry about making trouble,” he said, “but my vife said that since I’m now such a high-class rich guy, I should have a middle name!”


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Sounds Dirty but it's all in the mind

Sounds dirty? It really isn't, you know! It is all in mind!!

Top 10 things that sound dirty - but, in a law firm, are not:



10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge.
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number one thing that sounds dirty but in law, isn't is:

1. Think you can get me off?



The Top 10 things that sound dirty, but in the office, are not:



10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
5. Hmmm, I think it's out of fluid!
4. Your equipment is so old; it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting it off today?

And the number one thing that sounds dirty but at the office, isn't is:

1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!


The Top 10 things that sound dirty, but in golf, are not:



10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip!
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't is:

1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first!


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Murphy and his Buttered Toast

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up. He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-side-down, so he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan. He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen, but he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes. He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy.

"Oh my Lord," says Father Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a miracle... No... Wait... It's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photographs, and so on..."

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.

Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Something has definitely happened which cannot be explained by Earthly means. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle and all other explanations must be ruled out. And so, unfortunately for that very reason, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think that Murphy may have simply buttered the toast on the wrong side!"


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Signs of the times

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language.

The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign.

The man thought that was great. A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly.

The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Texas vs Scottish Potatoes

A Scottish farmer wa in his field digging up his potatoes.

A visiting American farmer looked over the fence and said "In Texas we grow potatoes five times larger than that!"

The Scotsman replied "Ah, but we grow them for out own mouths!"



Share with friends?

Funny Pictures



Old Jokes   211    212    213    214  215  216    217    218    219  


Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

Fuelled by: CodeIgniter - ver: 3.1.9  Debug: 100.24.209.47 / 834,184Mb / 00:11:02 / 200 / No Errors