Previously On Johns-Jokes
NO Pictures - Just Jokes
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One Liners Version: 002
4x4 = 4 metres in 4 minutes
(_!_) - An Arse, (__!__) - A Fat Arse, (!) - A Tight Arse, (_?_) - A Dumb Arse, (_*_) - A Sore Arse, (_x_) - KISS MY ARSE!!!
A dick is the unluckiest thing on the planet. It's got an eye that can't see, a head with no brain, and has 3 neighbours, 2 of them are nuts, and the other one is an asshole.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.
A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell.
A woman never forgets her age once she decides what it is.
A wise monkey never monkeys with another monkey's monkey!
Adam was created first to give him a chance to say something.
Always keep a record of data - it indicates you've been working.
Always remember you're unique, Just like everyone else.
All women are idiots, I married their queen!
An accountant is a man hired to explain why you didn't make the money you did.
An egg is the unluckiest thing on the planet: it only gets laid once, it only gets eaten once, it takes two minutes to get hard, it comes in a box with eleven other guys, and the only one who ever sits on its face is its mom.
An erection is like the theory of relativity, the more you think about it, the harder it gets.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit!
Artificial inteligence? Better than natural stupidity.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Below Average Pilot = Unequal number of takeoffs and landings.
Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.
Bundy - Because you can't solve the worlds problems over white wine.
Cards is like sex, if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
Cats: The other white meat.
Common sense is the least common of all senses.
Copy from one is plagiarism. Copy from two is research.
Crime doesn't pay, Does that mean my job is a crime?
Crashing is the only thing windows does quickly.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Does the information highway have any rest stops?
Don't piss me off, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don't play stupid with me, I'm better at it!
Don't rush me, I get paid by the hour.
Don't start with me, You won't win.
Don't steal, The government hates competition.
Easy To Install: Difficult to install, but instruction manual has pictures.
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Everyone has a right to be stupid, Some just abuse the priviledge.
Far to many cats, not enough recipes.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord
God has Alzheimer's disease, He's forgotten that we exist.
Gravity doesn't exist, The Earth sucks.
Grow your own dope, plant a woman.
Hard work has a future payoff, Laziness pays off now.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why take a risk?
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
Heaven doesn't want me, and hell is afraid I'll take over!
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
I always lie. In fact, I'm lying to you right now!
I apologize to the deaf for the loss of subtitles.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it
I haven't lost my mind, I know exactly where I left it.
I haven't lost my mind, It's backed up on disk somewhere.
I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.
I know Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words.
I made it foolproof, but they're making better fools.
I multitask... I read in the bathroom.
I need someone really bad, Are you really bad?
I souport publik edukashun.
I still miss my ex...but my aim is getting better!
I took an IQ test and the results were negative!
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke!
I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence, There's a knob called 'brightness,' but it doesn't work.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my Grandfather, Not screaming in Terror like his passengers!!!
I won't play stupid with you, because i know your better at it!
If I am what I eat them I am cheap, quick, and easy.
If idiots could fly, this place would be an airport.
If it's a rockin' don't come a knockin'
If it's not on fire, it's a software problem.
If it's too loud you're too old!
If you took a IQ test, the results would be negitive.
If you're rich, I'm single.
If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.
Ignorance is temporary, Stupidity lasts forever.
I'm as busy as a one legged man in an butt-kicking contest.
Is 5 speeds and 9 inch's enough?
Is there life after death?.....Get me mad and you will find out!
It's not the bullet that kills you, it's the hole.
It's not the length, it's not the size, it's how many times you can make it rise.
Life is like a box of chocolates, It's full of nuts.
Life is like a roll of toilet paper, The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
Life's too short to be a lady.
Lost: 1 Wife, 1 Dog, reward offered for return of dog
Math problems? Call 1-800-10x(24+13)-(64-16)/2^14E2.
My other toy has tits.
My wife has a drinking problem, ME!!
Never play leap frog with a unicorn!
Never say "OOPS!", always say "Ah, Interesting!"
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.
Programming Rule: Never test for an error you don't know how to handle.
Ok, I pulled the pin. Now what? Where are you going?
Opinions are like assholes - everyone has one, and everyone thinks everybody elses stinks.
Opinions are like assholes - everybodys got one, but no-one wants to know about yours.
Operator, trace this call and tell me where I am.
Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
OUT TO LUNCH - If not back at five, OUT TO DINNER!
Recursion: noun, See Recursion.
Reduce Carbon Dioxide emmissions - STOP BREATHING!
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Smile - it makes people wonder what you're thinking.
Smile - it makes people wonder what you're up to.
So many pedestrians so little time.
Some people are as useful as a milk bucket under a bull.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
Sumo Wrestling: Survival of the fattest
The 50-50-90 rule is whenever you have a 50/50 chance of getting somthing right, there is a 90% probability you'll get it wrong!
The future isn't what it used to be.
The difference between light and hard is that you can sleep with a light on.
The easiest way to avoid a hangover is to just stay drunk.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
The woman cries before the wedding, the man afterwards.
The world is coming to an end. Log off and leave in an orderly fashion.
There is no right way to do a wrong thing.
Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support Group.
Treat each day as your last, one day you will be right.
Truck drivers have the biggest horn!
You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT!
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Want more grunt?, do it with a pig!
We are all born naked, wet, and hungry....Then things get worse.
What has 75 balls, and screws mainly old women? .................. Bingo!
When blondes have more fun, do the know it?
Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
Windows 98: 32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Zero to naked in 6.2 beers.
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Does Any of this Sound Somewhat Familiar?One star hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.
Two star hangover **
Slight headache. Don't feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
Three star hangover ***
Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with Richard and Judy. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once.
Four star hangover ****
Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein
and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Moss side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
Five star hangover (aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell) *****
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can't focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it's toothpaste crust. You don't give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe....very gently.
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Ladies Night OutLast night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.
One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
My relief was short-lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me!!! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet...... What could I do???? The woman in me took over!
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt and grabbed the eighty bucks!!
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The Elderly CoupleAn elderly couple in a retirement community was surprised by a knock on their door late one night. Morris, the husband got up to answer the door, only to find a huge and intimidating man staring back at him.
"Oh, this is terrible! I'm going to be robbed and lose all my money!" the old man screamed.
"I'm not a robber," said the man in disgust. "I am a rapist."
"Oh, thank goodness!" said Morris with much relief. Then he shouted, "Elaine, it's for you!"
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The Bored CoupleThe girl and her boyfriend were sitting at home one night and became bored.
"Hey, let's play a game" she said.
"What game?" was his bored reply.
"Let's play hide'n'seek. I'll give you a blow-job if you can find me."
"What if I can't find you?"
"I'll be behind the piano."
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The EnvironmentalistA couple was waiting for their food at a Chinese restaurant when an elderly waiter set chopsticks at their places. The woman made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair.
"As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils."
The old waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Very beautiful," he said politely. "Ivory."
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A Daughter's Letter from her College to her Parents.An exact replica of a letter a daughter wrote to her parents from college:
Dear Mom and Dad,
It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but, before you read on, please sit down.
YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN, OKAY?
Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture, and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump, were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm. He was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him and his three buddies. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute.
He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents! I know you will welcome the baby and give it the
love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.
The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am having daily. I know you will welcome him into our family with
open arms. He is kind and, although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is different than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too, for I am told that his father is an important weapons dealer in the village in Africa from which he came.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant and I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis and there is no man (of any color) in my life.
However, I got a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science, and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.
Your Loving Daughter
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The CasinoTwo bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table.
A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know, I thought YOU were watching!"
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
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You Know You're Living in 2005 When...1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally do "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. Your CV is on a disk in your pocket.
11. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.
13. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
14. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
15. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
16. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
18. Your boss gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, but you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.
19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
20. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
21. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
AND THE CLINCHERS ARE...
22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
23. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends"
24. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you any more, except to send you jokes from the net.
25. You are too busy to notice there was no No 9
26. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9
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The StowawayA depressed young woman from Newcastle was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Tyne. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears and took pity on her.
"Look, you've got a lot to live for," he said. "I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you can keep me happy."
The girl agreed - what did she have to lose.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later during a routine search, the captain discovered her. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to America, and he's feeding me," she said.
"What are you doing for him?" enquired the captain.
"He's screwing me,' said the girl.
"He certainly is,' replied the captain. "This is the North Shields ferry."
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