Previously On Johns-Jokes
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Escaped MurdererA murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.
The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it"!
"Darling", the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom".
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The SuppositoryA man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do.
The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine
Suddenly the man screams, "DAMN!"
"What's the matter?" asks the wife. "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders!"
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The CowboyWhile riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and sheep and began a conversation. Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
Indian: Look of shock.
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian.
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: Look of total disbelief.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Indian: Extreme look of shock.
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " pointing at Indian
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
Indian: Total look of utter amazement.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep liar."
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Lucky 5There was a guy whose lucky number was five. He was born on May 5, 1955. He graduated 5th in his class, got a job with the 5th company he applied to and soon became the 5th highest executive, married the 5th girl he dated, had 5 children, and always shot a five under at golf. One day he was at the horse track, and saw that at 5PM in the fifth race in lane number 5 was a five year old stallion named "Numero Cinco". Seeing this as a sign, he goes to the fifth betting window and bets $55,555 on the horse. He goes to the fifth row in the stands to watch the race.
The horse came in fifth
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Good LawyerOne afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place - the grass is almost a foot high!"
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Louisiana LawA big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up onhis tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisiana. We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code. We settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees where he immediately vomited.
The geezer's second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face.
The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart, vengeful will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
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Deadly HabitsThree desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker and the other was a homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced they would never again indulge in their personal vices.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.
The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.
No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
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Penis FactsActual amount of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons
Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200
Average # of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000
Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons
Average amount of water it takes to fill a bathtub: 35 gallons
Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour
Average speed of a city bus: 25 miles per hour
Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7
Average # of calories in a can of Dr. Pepper: 150
Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches
Average length when erect: 5.1
Smallest natural penis recorded: 5/8 of an inch
Largest natural penis recorded: 11 inches
Largest penis in the animal kingdom: 11 feet (blue whale)
Height from court floor to the rim of a basketball hoop: 10 feet
Most arousing time of day/season for a man: early morning/fall
Best ways to improve sexual function: quit smoking, start exercising, lose weight.
Foods that improve sex life: oysters, lean meat, seafood, whole grains, wheat germ, chicken fingers from Erie dining hall
Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60%
Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54%
Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41%
Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 min to 2weeks
Average # of erections per day for a man: 11
Average # of erections during the night: 9
Time it takes an average person to complete a marathon: 4 hours
Sperm life: 2 1/2 months (from development to ejaculation)
Cost of a year's supply of condoms: $100
Thickness of the average condom: .07 mm
Thickness of super-thin condoms: .05 mm
In general, the taste of a man's semen varies with his diet. Some say that the alkaline-based foods (fish and some meats) produce a buttery or fishy taste. Dairy products can create a foul taste; the taste of semen after eating asparagus is said to be the foulest. ACIDIC FRUITS AND ALCOHOL (EXCEPT PROCESSED LIQUORS) GIVE IT A PLEASANT AND SUGARY TASTE. Examples:
oranges, mangos, kiwi, lemons, grapefruit, limes, Labatt Blue, Honey Brown, etc. drinking a Corona with lime is double the fun)
Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie (happy thanksgiving!)
Yes, the penis does shrink in cold water
It is common for men to wake up with 'morning wood', a name for an a.m. erection
Blue balls, or the term a man uses when he says his balls will explode if he doesn't have sex, is totally false
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One Liners Version: 002
4x4 = 4 metres in 4 minutes
(_!_) - An Arse, (__!__) - A Fat Arse, (!) - A Tight Arse, (_?_) - A Dumb Arse, (_*_) - A Sore Arse, (_x_) - KISS MY ARSE!!!
A dick is the unluckiest thing on the planet. It's got an eye that can't see, a head with no brain, and has 3 neighbours, 2 of them are nuts, and the other one is an asshole.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.
A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell.
A woman never forgets her age once she decides what it is.
A wise monkey never monkeys with another monkey's monkey!
Adam was created first to give him a chance to say something.
Always keep a record of data - it indicates you've been working.
Always remember you're unique, Just like everyone else.
All women are idiots, I married their queen!
An accountant is a man hired to explain why you didn't make the money you did.
An egg is the unluckiest thing on the planet: it only gets laid once, it only gets eaten once, it takes two minutes to get hard, it comes in a box with eleven other guys, and the only one who ever sits on its face is its mom.
An erection is like the theory of relativity, the more you think about it, the harder it gets.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit!
Artificial inteligence? Better than natural stupidity.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Below Average Pilot = Unequal number of takeoffs and landings.
Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.
Bundy - Because you can't solve the worlds problems over white wine.
Cards is like sex, if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
Cats: The other white meat.
Common sense is the least common of all senses.
Copy from one is plagiarism. Copy from two is research.
Crime doesn't pay, Does that mean my job is a crime?
Crashing is the only thing windows does quickly.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Does the information highway have any rest stops?
Don't piss me off, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don't play stupid with me, I'm better at it!
Don't rush me, I get paid by the hour.
Don't start with me, You won't win.
Don't steal, The government hates competition.
Easy To Install: Difficult to install, but instruction manual has pictures.
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Everyone has a right to be stupid, Some just abuse the priviledge.
Far to many cats, not enough recipes.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord
God has Alzheimer's disease, He's forgotten that we exist.
Gravity doesn't exist, The Earth sucks.
Grow your own dope, plant a woman.
Hard work has a future payoff, Laziness pays off now.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why take a risk?
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
Heaven doesn't want me, and hell is afraid I'll take over!
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
I always lie. In fact, I'm lying to you right now!
I apologize to the deaf for the loss of subtitles.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it
I haven't lost my mind, I know exactly where I left it.
I haven't lost my mind, It's backed up on disk somewhere.
I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.
I know Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words.
I made it foolproof, but they're making better fools.
I multitask... I read in the bathroom.
I need someone really bad, Are you really bad?
I souport publik edukashun.
I still miss my ex...but my aim is getting better!
I took an IQ test and the results were negative!
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke!
I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence, There's a knob called 'brightness,' but it doesn't work.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my Grandfather, Not screaming in Terror like his passengers!!!
I won't play stupid with you, because i know your better at it!
If I am what I eat them I am cheap, quick, and easy.
If idiots could fly, this place would be an airport.
If it's a rockin' don't come a knockin'
If it's not on fire, it's a software problem.
If it's too loud you're too old!
If you took a IQ test, the results would be negitive.
If you're rich, I'm single.
If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.
Ignorance is temporary, Stupidity lasts forever.
I'm as busy as a one legged man in an butt-kicking contest.
Is 5 speeds and 9 inch's enough?
Is there life after death?.....Get me mad and you will find out!
It's not the bullet that kills you, it's the hole.
It's not the length, it's not the size, it's how many times you can make it rise.
Life is like a box of chocolates, It's full of nuts.
Life is like a roll of toilet paper, The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
Life's too short to be a lady.
Lost: 1 Wife, 1 Dog, reward offered for return of dog
Math problems? Call 1-800-10x(24+13)-(64-16)/2^14E2.
My other toy has tits.
My wife has a drinking problem, ME!!
Never play leap frog with a unicorn!
Never say "OOPS!", always say "Ah, Interesting!"
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.
Programming Rule: Never test for an error you don't know how to handle.
Ok, I pulled the pin. Now what? Where are you going?
Opinions are like assholes - everyone has one, and everyone thinks everybody elses stinks.
Opinions are like assholes - everybodys got one, but no-one wants to know about yours.
Operator, trace this call and tell me where I am.
Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
OUT TO LUNCH - If not back at five, OUT TO DINNER!
Recursion: noun, See Recursion.
Reduce Carbon Dioxide emmissions - STOP BREATHING!
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Smile - it makes people wonder what you're thinking.
Smile - it makes people wonder what you're up to.
So many pedestrians so little time.
Some people are as useful as a milk bucket under a bull.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
Sumo Wrestling: Survival of the fattest
The 50-50-90 rule is whenever you have a 50/50 chance of getting somthing right, there is a 90% probability you'll get it wrong!
The future isn't what it used to be.
The difference between light and hard is that you can sleep with a light on.
The easiest way to avoid a hangover is to just stay drunk.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
The woman cries before the wedding, the man afterwards.
The world is coming to an end. Log off and leave in an orderly fashion.
There is no right way to do a wrong thing.
Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support Group.
Treat each day as your last, one day you will be right.
Truck drivers have the biggest horn!
You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT!
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Want more grunt?, do it with a pig!
We are all born naked, wet, and hungry....Then things get worse.
What has 75 balls, and screws mainly old women? .................. Bingo!
When blondes have more fun, do the know it?
Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
Windows 98: 32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Zero to naked in 6.2 beers.
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Does Any of this Sound Somewhat Familiar?One star hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.
Two star hangover **
Slight headache. Don't feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
Three star hangover ***
Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with Richard and Judy. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once.
Four star hangover ****
Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein
and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Moss side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
Five star hangover (aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell) *****
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can't focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it's toothpaste crust. You don't give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe....very gently.
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