Monday 27th May 2019 - 21:20:45 

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New Definitions

Cigarette:
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.

Lecture:
An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either

Conference:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears:
The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower...

Dictionary:
A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic:
A book, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn:
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.:
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience:
The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb:
An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher:
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist:
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist:
A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

Miser:
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father:
A banker provided by nature.

Criminal:
A guy no different from the rest.... except that he got caught.

Boss:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.


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Three Big Bad Bikers and the Trucker

Three Big Bad Bikers went into a roadside Truck Stop and went up to an older gentleman at the counter who was having his breakfast.

The first biker took out his cigar and dropped it into the man's coffee.

He didn't say a word and resumed eating his breakfast.

The second biker tipped over his glass of orange juice.

Still no reaction.

The third ugly guy dumped the guy's plate of bacon and eggs on the floor.

The little old man got up without saying a word, paid his bill and left the cafe.

"He wasn't much of a man was he?" questioned the leader of the pack.

"No," said the waitress, "and not much of a truck driver either. He just ran over three Harleys in the parking lot."


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T-shirt Slogans

1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!

2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

3) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10) Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

13) God must love stupid people, he made so many.

14) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.

16) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

17) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

18) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

19) Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)

20) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up

21) Procrastinate Now

22) Rehab Is for Quitters

23) My Dog Can Lick Anyone

24) Finally 21, and Legally Able To Do Everything I've Been doing since 15

25) West Virginia: One million people and 15 last names.

26) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.

27) MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT

28) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

29) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!

30) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken

31) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead

32) POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on.

33) FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.

34) HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH

35) A PICTURE IS WORTH A 1000 WORDS, but it uses up a 1000 times the memory.

36) The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.

37) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

38) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

39) WELCOME TO SOUTH CAROLINA - Set your watch back 20 years.

40) The trouble with life is there's no background music.

41) The original "point and click interface" was a Smith & Wesson.


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Thought You Might Be Interested in a Glimpse of the Future.

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. (Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.)

This is how it manifests:

I decided to wash my car. As I started toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take out my checkbook that is on the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the den, so I go to my desk where I find the bottle of soda that I had been drinking.

To look for my checks, first I need to push the soda aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the soda is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the soda, a vase of flower on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the soda down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day; the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm bottle of soda sitting on the counter, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem and I'll try to get some help for it but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Boy it's tough getting old . . .



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The Retired Gentleman

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.

"I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office.

She says, "You should have dropped your pants... You might have gotten disability too."


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Widdle Wabbits

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."


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Beer Quotations

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
--William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
--Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
--Anonymous

No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink.
--G.K. Chesterton

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
--Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
--Anonymous

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.
-- Ross Levy

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
--W.C. Fields

Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
--Anonymous

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
--David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
--Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
-- Michelle Mastrolacasa

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
--Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
-Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven.
- Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer.
--Plato

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart

Why is Australian beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
--David Moulton

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
--Homer Simpson

I drink to make other people interesting.
--George Jean Nathan

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson

I feel sorry for people who don't drink or do drugs. Because someday they're going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won't know why.
-Redd Foxx

My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. - Henry Youngman

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony. - Robert Benchley

You know what alcoholics call New Year's Eve? Amateur night. - Elmore Leonard


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The Married Couple and the Wife Discovers that her Husband Was Not in Bed with her


A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear" she whispers as she steps into the room, "why are you down here at this time of night"?

The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16" he asks solemnly?

"Yes I do", she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love"?

"Yes, I remember", said the wife.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to jail for 20 years'"?

"I remember that, too", she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today".



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Two Martians

Two Martians land in the middle of the night in a closed gas station.

They get out of their space ship. The Martians go up to a gas pump. One says to the other," I think these are Earth people." "Take me to your leader!" says the first Martian.

No response.

The second Martian whispers to his partner. "I don't think we should screw with this one."

The first Martian says "Don't worry. Take me to your leader or we are going to blow you to kingdom come!!!"

No response.

With that, the first Martian takes out his laser gun and zaps the gas pump. It blows up and so does the gas station and the Martians are thrown into the air and land in a tree.

The second Martian says to the other, "I TOLD YOU, WE SHOULDN'T FUCK WITH A GUY WHO COULD WRAP HIS DICK AROUND HIS NECK AND STICK IT IN HIS EAR!


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The Racist's Hell

A Racist dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Racist's hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Racist devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?

"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Government servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen..."




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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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