Friday 23rd August 2019 - 09:01:47 

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The Diplomatic Husband

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed.

The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my bum is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby".

She turns to her husband and says "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself" .

He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice.......
"Well" ..................................................................................................................
"There's nothing wrong with your eyesight" .




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Four Good Lessons to Remember

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each"

So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. "Pfufffff, and he was gone.

Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails. "Pfufffff, and he was also gone ......

The boss calmly said," I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm"

Lesson I: "Always allow the bosses to speak first"

*******************************************************

The CEO was standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder machine. "I just need one copy."

Lesson II - Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.

*******************************************************

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese are you?"

The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean."

The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"

Again, the Japanese was onfused over the question. The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you ... Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......???"

The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."

A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked What kind of 'key' was he. The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of '-kee' am I?!"

The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"

Lesson III - Never insult anyone.

*******************************************************

There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, He said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."

The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted"WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.

Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.

The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool.

The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, SHIT!!!!!!!........."

Lesson IV - Think twice before you say something, because sometimes accidents do happen.


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A Dinner Conversation that Went Wrong

WIFE: "If I died first, would you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: - - - silence - - -

HUSBAND: "Shit."




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Latest Virus

There is a new virus. Its code name is "work." This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with this "work" virus, leave immediately, take two friends and go to the nearest bar. Order three beers, or a vodka, or several shots, and, after repeating this 10 to 14 times, you will find that "work" has been completely deleted from your brain.

Forward this warning immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize that you do not have five friends, this means that you are already infected by this virus, and "work" already controls your whole life.

This virus is deadly, and I apologize for not being able to warn you sooner.


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Parking Fine

Date: Today

Offense #ZD101FB608 : In Front Of The Computer TOO LONG!


Details of Offense :

During our routine sweep of the Internet we, the Internet Police, have discovered that you have been on your chair in front of the computer TOO LONG!

You are HEREBY ORDERED to clean up that pile of cups, cans, wrappers and papers on your desk (yes, we can see you - sit up straight!) and after you have logged into the real world for a minimum of ten minutes you may log back on to the Internet.

Failure to comply may result in loss of reality, carpal tunnel syndrome, and the requirement of a larger chair. The timer starts NOW! Get off your butt - you'll thank us for it later.


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New Definitions

Cigarette:
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.

Lecture:
An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either

Conference:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears:
The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower...

Dictionary:
A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic:
A book, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn:
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.:
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience:
The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb:
An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher:
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist:
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist:
A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

Miser:
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father:
A banker provided by nature.

Criminal:
A guy no different from the rest.... except that he got caught.

Boss:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.


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Three Big Bad Bikers and the Trucker

Three Big Bad Bikers went into a roadside Truck Stop and went up to an older gentleman at the counter who was having his breakfast.

The first biker took out his cigar and dropped it into the man's coffee.

He didn't say a word and resumed eating his breakfast.

The second biker tipped over his glass of orange juice.

Still no reaction.

The third ugly guy dumped the guy's plate of bacon and eggs on the floor.

The little old man got up without saying a word, paid his bill and left the cafe.

"He wasn't much of a man was he?" questioned the leader of the pack.

"No," said the waitress, "and not much of a truck driver either. He just ran over three Harleys in the parking lot."


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T-shirt Slogans

1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!

2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

3) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10) Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

13) God must love stupid people, he made so many.

14) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.

16) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

17) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

18) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

19) Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)

20) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up

21) Procrastinate Now

22) Rehab Is for Quitters

23) My Dog Can Lick Anyone

24) Finally 21, and Legally Able To Do Everything I've Been doing since 15

25) West Virginia: One million people and 15 last names.

26) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.

27) MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT

28) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

29) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!

30) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken

31) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead

32) POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on.

33) FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.

34) HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH

35) A PICTURE IS WORTH A 1000 WORDS, but it uses up a 1000 times the memory.

36) The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.

37) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

38) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

39) WELCOME TO SOUTH CAROLINA - Set your watch back 20 years.

40) The trouble with life is there's no background music.

41) The original "point and click interface" was a Smith & Wesson.


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Thought You Might Be Interested in a Glimpse of the Future.

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. (Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.)

This is how it manifests:

I decided to wash my car. As I started toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take out my checkbook that is on the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the den, so I go to my desk where I find the bottle of soda that I had been drinking.

To look for my checks, first I need to push the soda aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the soda is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the soda, a vase of flower on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the soda down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day; the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm bottle of soda sitting on the counter, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem and I'll try to get some help for it but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Boy it's tough getting old . . .



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The Retired Gentleman

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.

"I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office.

She says, "You should have dropped your pants... You might have gotten disability too."


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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