Monday 28th September 2020 - 19:36:27 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

NO Pictures - Just Jokes
Mobile User Friendly


The Ideal Partner

What do Girls want?

When I was a young woman, all I wanted was a guy with big muscles. So I dated a muscular guy. He was as strong as Terminator, but he beat up any other guy who would stare at me. I was afraid he would hit me too.So I dumped him when he was in jail.

I decided to date a romantic guy. He was so sweet: he sent me flowers every Friday to my office just to ask me out; one time he packed himself into a box as my birthday gift. But he was also romantic to other girls until I found out from a florist that he ordered
5 dozens roses each Friday. It was too late, he already dumped me.

So I decided to date a stable guy. He was a "good" man and he had a Ph.D from MIT. But all he talked with me was M/M/1 Queuing theory. I had to dump him because when one day I said I was going to Australia, he said "you don't need to go there to buy apples. There's a mama shop across the street."

After that I decided to date an interesting guy. He was so funny and he was like "George" in TV Steinfield. He made me laugh all time. But later, I couldn't laugh any more. He didn't have a job, nor did he plan to find one. All he did was playing Mahjong and "Cho Dai Di". The worst thing is that we got married.

===========//============


What do guys want?

When I was in poly, all I wanted was a girl with big boobs. So I dated a girl with big boobs, but there was no passion.

So I decided I needed a passionate girl. In University, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time.

So I decided I needed a girl with some stability and I found a very stable girl. But she was so boring, she never got excited about anything.

So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. There, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless.

So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. After graduation, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.

So what do you want?

At many times, people just go after what they want their ideal partner to be. And they neglect what that person has. Chasing after what you want is never ending and may not come to a good end.

So cherish what you have and appreciate what they are!!!


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Snappy Answers

Snappy Answer # 1
A stewardess was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."


Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen chickens at the supermarket, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the shelf stacker, "Do these chickens get any bigger?" He replied, "No , they're dead."


Snappy Answer #3
The policeman got out of his car and the lad who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the policeman said. The lad replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the lad on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #4
A lorry driver was driving along. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman gets out of his car and walks around to the lorry driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got
stuck?" The lorry driver says, "No mate, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol."


and finally #5, THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR
A university lecturer reminds her students of tomorrow's final exam. "Now, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider
a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your
immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-arse
bloke in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say
if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter. When silence is restored,
the lecturer smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,
"Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


The First Man

A man picks up a young woman in a bar and persuades her to come back to his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?"

She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Statistics

STATISTICS
10% of women had sex within the first hour of their first date.
20% of men had sex in a non-traditional place.
36% of women favour nudity.
45% of women prefer dark men with blue eyes.
46% of women experienced anal sex
70% of women prefer sex in the morning
80% of men have never experienced homosexual relations
90% of women would like to have sex in the forest
99% of women have never experienced sex in the office.

CONCLUSION: Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having
anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have
sex in the office at the end of the day.

MORAL: Do not stay late at the office, nothing good can come of it.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Latest Report - Calories Used

It has been known for many years that SEX is a good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities. Now, after original and proprietary research they are proud to present the results.

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent...................... 12 Calories
Without her consent............... 187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands........................ 8 Calories
With one hand............................ 12 Calories
With your teeth........................... 85 Calories

PUTTING ON A PRESERVATIVE:
With an erection......................... 6 Calories
Without an erection................... 315 Calories

PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot......... .. 92 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary.............................. 12 Calories
69 lying down......................... 78 Calories
69 standing up....................... 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow.......................... 216 Calories
Doggy Style............................ 326 Calories
Italian chandelier.................. 912 Calories

ORGASMING:
Real................................... 112 Calories
False.................................. 315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately............... 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years old.................. 36 Calories
30-39 years......................... 80 Calories
40-49 years......................... 124 Calories
50-59 years......................... 972 Calories
60-69 years......................... 2916 Calories
70 and over......................... Results are still pending

DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
Calmly.................................. 32 Calories
In a hurry............................. 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door............1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.............3521 Calories



Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Good Luck Mr Gorsky

On 20th July 1969, As commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to Earth and heard by millons. But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark: "Good luck, Mr Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years,many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always smiled.

On 5th July 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong.

This time he finally responded. Mr Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

In 1938 when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbour's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbours were Mr and Mrs Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs Gorsky shouting at Mr Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


The Diplomatic Husband

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed.

The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my bum is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby".

She turns to her husband and says "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself" .

He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice.......
"Well" ..................................................................................................................
"There's nothing wrong with your eyesight" .




Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Four Good Lessons to Remember

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each"

So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. "Pfufffff, and he was gone.

Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails. "Pfufffff, and he was also gone ......

The boss calmly said," I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm"

Lesson I: "Always allow the bosses to speak first"

*******************************************************

The CEO was standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder machine. "I just need one copy."

Lesson II - Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.

*******************************************************

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese are you?"

The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean."

The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"

Again, the Japanese was onfused over the question. The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you ... Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......???"

The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."

A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked What kind of 'key' was he. The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of '-kee' am I?!"

The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"

Lesson III - Never insult anyone.

*******************************************************

There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, He said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."

The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted"WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.

Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.

The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool.

The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, SHIT!!!!!!!........."

Lesson IV - Think twice before you say something, because sometimes accidents do happen.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


A Dinner Conversation that Went Wrong

WIFE: "If I died first, would you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: - - - silence - - -

HUSBAND: "Shit."




Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Latest Virus

There is a new virus. Its code name is "work." This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with this "work" virus, leave immediately, take two friends and go to the nearest bar. Order three beers, or a vodka, or several shots, and, after repeating this 10 to 14 times, you will find that "work" has been completely deleted from your brain.

Forward this warning immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize that you do not have five friends, this means that you are already infected by this virus, and "work" already controls your whole life.

This virus is deadly, and I apologize for not being able to warn you sooner.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures



Old Jokes   22    23    24    25  26  27    28    29    30   Latest


Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

Fuelled by: CodeIgniter - ver: 3.1.11  Debug: 3.230.119.106 / 715,432Mb / 19:36:27 / 200 / No Errors