Thursday 23rd May 2019 - 09:38:23 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

NO Pictures - Just Jokes
Mobile User Friendly


The Corruption Trial

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Lawyers and Charity

A local United Way office realised that the organisation had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why the fcuk should I give any to you?"



Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Viagra Alternative

Frank can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.

Frank asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. Frank says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he says ok.

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later he gives Frank the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". Frank takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Frank starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants.

It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.

His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look
on her face. She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"



With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Frank says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass."





Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Pinch My Nipples

A middle aged woman went to a Wal-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.

The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on 'special'.

Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming! "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!!"

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager goes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!"

And doing so draws an even more HUGE crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!"

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!



Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


The Repair Man

A woman has a problem with her closet door, it was falling every time a bus was passing by.

So she called a repair man.

The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by.

"OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he steps into the closet.

At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman.

Husband: "What the hell are you doing here!"

Repairman: "Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!"





Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Murphy's Laws

Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger than them.

Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.

A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.

It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

Don't say no, say maybe, say any old thing, say come back in the spring but don't say no.

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.




Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


The New Ceo

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


A Father Explains the Facts of Life

A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know"! the child says, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me"!

Confused, the father asks what's wrong.

"Oh, dad," the boy sobs. "When I was six, I got the "There's no Santa' speech.
At seven, I got the "There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the "There's no tooth fairy' speech. If you're going to tell me that adults don't really fuck, I'll have nothing left to live for."








Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


The Talking Parrot

A guy decides he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot answers the guy's question, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh, yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang on to your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it cause of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the price tag: $200. He says. "I can't afford that." "Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20, just make an offer." The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman..."

"What?" says the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth." "What happened then?" asks the guy. "Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot. "My God!!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts slowly going down and down..." The parrot (pauses for a long time...) "What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy. "I don't know," says the parrot, "my dick got hard and I fell off my perch....."




Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


The Best Woman to Marry

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.



Discussed: StumbleUpon



Share with friends?

Funny Pictures



Old Jokes   25    26    27    28  29  30    31    32    33   Latest


This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

Fuelled by: CodeIgniter - ver: 3.1.9  Debug: 18.212.83.37 / 836,976Mb / 09:38:23 / 200 / No Errors