Thursday 5th December 2019 - 22:01:41 

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Tommy Cooper

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please? ' And a voice said 'You are.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.

I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'. I said 'What for?' He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'

I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'. I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'. He said 'How can I help?'. I said 'Break my arms!'

My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'. I had the car out in thirty seconds.

I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt. Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.

One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down. 'Can't you ring your bell?' She said. 'I can ring my bell,' I said 'But I can't ride my bike'

We were coming in to land, and it affects your ears, doesn't it? The Stewardess gave me chewing gum. I put it in my ear. Took two days to get it out.

This little old lady was frightened. She looked at me, she said 'Do something religious'. So I took up a collection.

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says: 'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'. I said: 'What for, Officer?' He says: 'My chips are too hot'.

I got stopped again last night by another policeman. He says: 'I'd like to follow you to the nearest Police Station'. I said 'What For?'. He said: 'I've forgotten the way'.

So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Authur's Close'. He said, 'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'

A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please. And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos. So the man says, alright then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.

And he said 'My dog doesn't eat meat'. I said 'Why not?'. He said 'We don't give him any'

I knocked at my friend's door and his wife answered the door. I said 'Is Jim in?'. She didn't reply, just stood there looking at me. So I asked again. Just then a woman appeared at his wife's elbow. 'Sorry luv' she said 'We buried him last Thursday'. 'He didn't say anything about a pot of yellow paint before he went, did he?'

I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to. A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said 'What do you want?'. 'I'd like to stay here' 'Ok. Stay there'.

I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'. I said 'I want a second opinion'. He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'.

When I was in the scouts, the leader told me to pitch a tent. I couldn't find any pitch, so I used creosote.

I went into this pub, and I ate a ploughman's lunch. He was livid.

I got home from work and the wife said - I'm very sorry dear, but the cat's eaten your dinner'. I said 'Dont worry - I'll get you a new cat'.

I went into this ice cream parlour and said 'I'd like a vanilla cone'. The assistant said 'Hundreds and thousands ?'. I said 'No - I'll just have the one'. He said 'knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I've always been unlucky. I had a rocking horse once, and it died.

I said to the waiter, I said 'This chicken I've got is cold'. He said 'I should think so. It's been dead for two weeks'. 'Not only that', I said, 'It's got one leg shorter than the other'. He said 'What do you want to do, eat it or dance with it?'

Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat. Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.

My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs. She won, she had the hammer.

I hurt my back the day. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? ' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed? ' 'No, because he's really heavy'

Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.' 'How's that?' 'Don't you start'

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

'I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs.... but she's good with the kids...'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'your round.' The Other one says 'so are you, you fat b*stard'

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream' He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'

So I went to the dentist. He said 'Say Aaah.' I said 'Why?' He said 'My dog's died.'' 'Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.''

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away. Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by. When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him. It was a different elephant.

Epitaph:
What a perfect way to go. He collapsed on stage and everybody laughed because they thought it was part of the act. Tommy would have loved it.
A unique man, sorely missed.


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Obituary Submitted by Wife About her Deceased Husband


When the husband finally died his wife put the usual obituary in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly.

"You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea".

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he really was".



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Ronnie Barker's Best Lines

A selection of the star's finest lines, from classic shows like The Two Ronnies, Open All Hours and Porridge.

The Two Ronnies:
On a packed show tonight, we'll be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who can no longer make ends meet


Porridge:
What have I learned, Mr Mackay? Three things. One - bide your time. Two - keep your nose clean. And three - don't let the bastards grind you down




Send us your favourite Ronnie Barker line
The Two Ronnies:
The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a lifetime peerage. He will now be known as the Lord of the Flies



Porridge:
Doctor: I want you to fill one of those containers for me.
Fletcher (other side of the room): What, from 'ere?


Open All Hours:
Don't just crit there siticising!



The Two Ronnies:
The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on




The Frost Report:
I look up to him because he is upper class, but I look down on him because he is lower class




The Two Ronnies:
The search for the man who terrorises nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on. Inspector Lemuel Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow




Porridge:
(Playing Monopoly) Would you Adam and Eve it? Go to jail!



The Two Ronnies:
Ronnie Corbett (shop assistant): There you are, four candles.
Ronnie Barker: No, fork 'andles! 'Andles for forks!



The Two Ronnies:
Ronnie Corbett: So it's good night from me...
Ronnie Barker: ...and it's good night from him. Good night!





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Which is your favourite Ronnie Barker line or comedy moment? If we have not included it, let us know.

I am terribly saddened by Ronnie's death. He was simply a genius and a one-off. Apart from Fork Handles, a brilliant sketch from the Two Ronnies involved The computerised doctor: (Ronnie Barker as doctor on screen speaking to Ronnie C the patient): "Please choose one of the following options: Do you suffer from any of the following: A - A bleeding nose, B - Getting out of bed in the morning, C - Terry Wogan, or D - all three: Terry Wogan getting up your bleeding nose every morning." Rest In Peace Ronnie, you'll forever be missed
Mohan Mudigonda, Wolverhampton, UK


Quite simply one of the funniest comedians ever. The fork handles sketch from the Two Ronnies and the episode of Porridge with David Jason as Blanco in hospital are the best. Best one liner - my foot's gone to sleep and I'd like to catch it up. Classic. He will be sorely missed.
Dawn Balaam, Tillingham, Essex




From the Two Ronnies:
Barker: There now follows a sketch featuring ghosties and ghoulies.
Corbett: In which I get caught by the ghosties...
Barker: And I get caught by surprise!
Alan, London UK

I just loved the one where RB was a representative from the society for the Pismounciation of Worms. How he ever remembered, let alone articulated, those lines is a complete mystery. He'll be madly sissed.
Roger Badger, Saffron Walden, Essex


Tonight, we'll be asking: "Should all married couples be frank and earnest, or should one of them be a woman..."
Also the commissionaire sketch. Clever writing and fantastic delivery.
Neil Grosart, Liverpool UK

Porridge:. Fletcher singing Home on the Range and getting to the line, "Where seldom is heard..."
(Mackay) "Fletcha!!!"
"... a discouraging word." The timing was immaculate and I laugh out loud whenever I picture it.
Malcolm Wilson, Tonbridge, Kent


Two sketches from The Two Ronnies with a common theme of cockney rhyming slang: ".... and he bent down and picked up that long, brown Richard the Third and placed it on a wall (disgusted groans from audience).... and soon afterwards, that long brown Richard the Third flew off to its nest."


The Ronnies are two London Underground workers on the way home after a shift, and they're having a conversation which is peppered with the names of Underground stations, often in rhyme. Since then, I've always been on the look out for the Theydon Boys !
Paul, Barnet, Herts


I have a stutter and I think that Arkwright was one of the funniest characters on television. Ronnie's character had a stutter but he never let it interfere with his life which was wonderful.
"How many Ps in per per per per peppers, six or seven?"
Ian Gillman, Wichita Falls, TX (Formerly of Little Paxton, Cambs)


Porridge: "We dug another tunnel, and hid the dirt in there."
Open All Hours: "This Jamaican ginger cake's not from Jamaica." "So? We sell Mars bars, don't we?"
Two Ronnies: "Grecian 2000 have assured greying men that there product will still work after midnight on Millennium eve"
Kevin Smith, Hildenborough, Kent

The sketch which always had me in stitches was Pismonunciation: "Im speaking on behalf of people who have trouble with worms, they can't pronounce their worms properly."
Rob Blaize, Cologne, Germany

"And we will be speaking to the scientist who crossed a yard of ale beer glass with a Chinese vase and a chamber pot, to get a ping-pong-piddle-high-po."
Alan, London UK


Fletcher is trying to get easy duties from the doctor during the medical and keeps referring to his bad feet (the Doctor keeps on ignoring him). The Doctor then asks Fletcher: "Are you now or have you at any time been a practising homosexual?" to which Fletcher answers: "What with these feet? Who'd have me?"
Robert Guy, Cardiff, South Glam


My favourite is the sketch at the end of the two Ronnies when Ronnie Corbett says something like: "Tomorrow we will be talking to women who like Nicholas Parsons." and Ronnie Barker says: "And also to a parson who likes knickerless women." Classic.
justine, Worcestershire


There are so many great lines, but my favourite from The Two Ronnies: Ronnie B: "And now a sketch in which I play the important role of Casanova." Ronnie C: "And I play the rest of him."
Or perhaps more fittingly: "So it's 'Goodnight' from [us]." "And it's Goodnight from him."
David, London, UK


Futtocks End: A masterpiece - Ronnie Barker played the lord of the manor at a country house weekend houseparty. Unlike other sketches this was feature length and was virtually entirely silent which maximised his sheer genius for comic expression and timing. For me, the best Ronnie Barker moment ever. I hope the BBC can play this as part of the tribute to him.
Phil, West Byfleet, Surrey, UK


Loved everything he ever done on TV. Loved any sketch from Open all Hours involving the till. Other ones that stick in my mind is the one where he is thinking of having the front of the shop done out and just goes for a new door knob. Or the one where he props a ladder up against Nurse Gladys' house and Gggggrrrranvile moves it without him knowing.
MIchelle Rideout, Eastbourne,East Sussex


A comic genius who will be sadly missed, rest in peace Ronnie B. My favourite Open All Hours episode was the one where Arkwright had excess stock of Jamaican ggggginger cake. The way he sold it as a marital aid to the unsuspecting male clientele was fantastic. Only one per customer and in the end they were fighting over it. Laugh a minute.
Simon Leach, Cheltenham GLOS


Ronnie Barker was a comic genius, the likes of which we will probably never see again. I can't pick out my favourite moment because there are so many. My brother and I were joint best men at our friends' wedding last year, and for our best man's speech we used some lines from the two Ronnies (four candles etc). We introduced ourselves as the 2 Rennys, not the 2 Ronnies.
Andy Renny, Dagenham East, Essex


In Open All Hours to Granville who is yawning. "Close your mouth there's a b-b-b-b-bus c-c-c-c, oh don't worry it's gone now"
Rich Brown, Bristol, England


Porridge. Barker to Mackay " I see there's a cake in your file".
John Venning, Singapore


From Open All Hours "Good morning Mrs fe fe fe fe Jackson"
G.Oatman, Hull, East Yorks

The man symbolised comedy to me growing up, a talent that didn't need to rely on shocking or vulgar tactics, just good old fashioned comedy, a treat to find his other work as an adult, Open All Hours, Porrdige, etc. but I'll always remember the Two Ronnies opticians sketch and the hieroglyphics, they bring tears to my eyes just thinking about them.
Trevor Webster, Dublin, Ireland


Four Candles is the obvious one, but the Phantom Raspberry Blower of Old London Town still makes me crease.
Stuart Harvey, Margate


The Two Ronnies: almost on a par with the peerless "Fork Handles" is surely the butler serving his master (whom he dislikes) and his lady, commenting "Your biscuits, milady", "your crackers, milord"... and "Your sweet, milady", "your nuts, milord"...
John Kerr, Glasgow

And Corporal Clappy is not a happy chappy. Still, you can't be a saint with his complaint. No, nobody similes with piles. Still, it's worse for the nurse. From Barmy Army
Nick Crawford, Hinckley, UK

Best one liner has to be the sequence in Porridge with Lenny where Fletch starts: Would you like the usual, sir. "I think I'll have a drink first." "Large one?" "Mind your own business."
Martin Taylor, London, UK


Open All Hours: What he comes in for is his business. What he goes out with is my business.
Brian cheverton, Frimley Green, England

How could you miss off "G-g-g-granville, f-f-f-fetch yer cloth".
Bob Sykes, Burnley, UK

"There's only one thing worse than a drunken Scotsman.. and thats a sober one"

"My aunt did some missionary work Mr Mackay."
"Oh yes Fletcher where was that?"
"Glasgow I think."

Tim Handley, London UK


Serving dinner as a butler to two obnoxious upper-class individuals, who are oblivious to his contempt: "Your nuts, M'Lord' 'Your crackers, M'Lady."
Chris Gledhill, Beverley, UK

My favourite work of his was Porridge, and I have been sat here trying to think which one of his one liners is my favourite from that show but I can't. Each episode is just half an hour of solid laughter as far as I'm concerned, and I can pay no higher tribute to a comic actor. He will certainly be missed, RIP Ronnie. God bless and thank you for the laughs.
Stephen Bridgeman, Bromley, England

Open All Hours: Nurse Gladys: Business is looking up. Arkwright: Yes, but p-pleasure is looking down (gazing at her cleavage)
Martin, London


"...and we will be speaking to the disillusioned vet who, in James Herriott style, is writing his memoirs, under the working title of 'All Creatures Grunt and Smell'"
Alan, London Uk


The Two Ronnies - Jehosephat & Jones "Little Mary-Ellen by the old barn door, I know just what she's a-waitin' for. Up in the loft where the lamp light flickers. I lost my heart and she lost her parasol!"
KJ, Fife, Scotland


Four Candles sketch is my favourite.
William Kelly, Bathgate UK


My daughter and I sat at work remembering the brilliant sketches, especially in Open All Hours. He will be sadly missed. Our thoughts are with his family. Lesley & Natalie, Oxford
Lesley Stowell, Oxford, England


Porridge. Barker "That is a plant". Mackay "No it's not, it's a tin of pineapples".
Allan, Edinburgh


My childhood revolves around memories of the Two Ronnies, Morecambe and Wise and my grandad making me laugh. It's a shame that so many of my comedy heroes are no longer here.
Mark Minghella, Prescot, UK

The Mastermind Sketch what else can you say but absolutely brilliant
Steve O'Mara, Yate South Glos



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Van Gogh's Family Tree



A sister who loved disco       Go Gogh
His twin with low back pain       Lum Bay Gogh
A brother who worked at a convenience store       Stop 'n Gogh
The cousin from Illinois       Chica Gogh
His Mexican cousin       Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother       Gring Gogh
The fruit loving cousin       Man Gogh
His dizzy aunt       Verti Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt       Tang Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking       Way-to Gogh
His magician uncle       Where-diddy Gogh
The constipated uncle       Cant Gogh
The bird lover uncle       Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst       E Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach       Wells-far Gogh
The little bouncy niece       Poe Gogh
His niece who travels in a van       Winnie Bay Gogh
His granddmother who ate prunes       Gotta Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia       U Gogh




And there Ya Gogh!









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Fortune Telling Weighing Machine

While waiting at a bus stop for a bus, a woman stepped onto a weight machine that told your fortune and weight for a quarter.

She put a quarter in, and out came a card that read:
"Your age is 32, You weigh 135 lbs, and you play the fiddle."

She found the fortune amusing, since she didn't play the fiddle, but it did have her age correct. About that time, an old gentleman walked up carrying a fiddle. She asked him if she could see his fiddle. He agreed and to their amazement, she began playing the fiddle with great natural skill.

She wondered if the fortune machine had actually known something about her that she didn't. She thought about it, and decided to try the weight machine again. She put another quarter in the machine, and out comes the card that reads:
"Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you have gastritis."

She found this one to be absurd, as she was in perfect health. So she went back to the bus-stop to wait for her bus.

While sitting there, she develops abdominal pains that continue to get worse until she lets rip a humongous batch of anal air. She wondered about the fortune, and again was curious if the machine was capable of knowing stuff about her that she didn't know.

She goes back and puts another quarter in the machine. Out comes a card that reads:
"Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you are about to have sex."

She laughed out loud, as she had been trying to find a decent guy to screw around with for months, with no luck. She is sitting there waiting for the bus, when this attractive young man sits down and immediately their eyes locked, and they both knew that they were right for each other. They quickly ducked down an alley and began to go at it like rutting pigs.

The woman was so simply amazed at the ability of the machine, that she had to try it one more time. She stood on the machine,
put her last quarter in, and out came a card that read:
"Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs. You've fiddled, you've farted, you've screwed around, and now you've missed your bus."



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Hired Help

A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. They hired a lovely lass for the job.

She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quite.

"But why?" asked the disappointed wife.

She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, "Well on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and
well, I'm pregnant."

The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay."

She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.

After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay.
She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.

In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said, "I am definitely leaving this time."

"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house.

"No," she said, "I just can't handle all these damned kids."


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Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we are in bed.

I turned to her and said,

"Do you want to have sex?"

"No." She answered.

I then said,

"Is that your final answer?"

"Yes." She replied.

Then I said,

" I'd like to phone a friend."


That's the last thing I remember.



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The Plucked Parrot

A parrot developed the bad habit of fucking the farmer's hens, making them quit laying. The farmer tells the parrot if he does it again he will pull out every feather in the parrot's head. The next day, the farmer again catches the parrot humping a hen, and snatches the parrot bald.

The following day, the farmer's wife hosts a formal dinner. She thinks it would be unique if the parrot greeted the guests and told them where to go. She had spent nearly a year training the parrot for this.

As the guests began entering, the parrot dutifully announced, "Ladies to the right! Gentlemen to the left!" Spotting two bald guys entering, the parrot says, "And you two chicken-fuckers get up here with me."




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The Father of the Child

A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my @rse?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"


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Little Johnny and Arithmetic

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said 6.

"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'

"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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