Thursday 24th October 2019 - 03:43:52 

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A Cowboy and the Indians

Some Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."

The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."

The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."

The indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"


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The Hitchhiker

A young, lonely guy driving across the country decided to pick up a stunning blonde hitchhiker. A few miles into the trek, the blonde started coming onto him, so needless to say, he pulled over to the side of the desolate, deserted road so she could give him some oral pleasure.

Once his pants were down to his ankles, the blonde surprised him with a gun
and bound his wrists to his ankles. Then, she robbed him of his wallet and clothes, and drove off with his car. Once she was out of sight, the man struggled to his feet and began hopping alongside the road in a desperate attempt to get someone's help.

A short time later, a trucker pulled up alongside the troubled man. "What happened to you?" asked the trucker, with a grin.

The man explained his plight...

The trucker stepped down from his truck, and as he unzipped his pants he remarked, "This just ain't been your day, has it boy?!"


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Olympic Wrestlers

It's the Gold Medal round of the Olympics, and a Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off. Before the match, the American wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, “Now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this ‘pretzel’ hold he has. Whatever you do, don’t let him get you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!” The wrestler nodded in acknowledgement.

As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t even watch the ending.

Suddenly, there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised
his eye just in time to watch the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian’s back hit the mat with a thud, and the American collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded, and ran to his wrestler, who was jumping around the mat, with people swarming him from all angles.

When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”
The wrestler answered, “Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.”
“So,” the trainer exclaimed, “that finished him off, did it?”

“No, but you’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!”


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The Alligator

A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, puts the gator up on the bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside, leave ’em there for five minutes, then remove my unit unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?"

The crowd murmurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator then closes its mouth as the crowd gasps. After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opens its mouth and the man removes his genitals—unscathed, as promised.

The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered.

"Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd.

After a few seconds, a blonde woman timidly speaks up. "I’ll do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle."


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The Burglar

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

" Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

" Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

" Moses," replied the bird.

" Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

" The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus."


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Public Service Announcements

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK"
She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER"
She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

She is not "EASY"
She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

She is not a "DUMB BLONDE"
She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

She has not "BEEN AROUND"
She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

She is not an "AIRHEAD"
She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY"
She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."

She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS"
She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

She does not "NAG" you
She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

She is not a "TRAMP"
She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS"
She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER"
She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."



HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

He does not have a "BEER GUT"
He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

He is not a "BAD DANCER"
He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME"
He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

He is not "BALDING"
He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER"
He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK"
He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS"
He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG"
He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT"
He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

He is not "HORNY"
He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants
It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."







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Naughty Parrot

David received a parrot for his birthday.

This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything else that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet.

David, frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness."

David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"


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Golf Lessons

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them is playing as well as they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, You are gripping the club way too hard!"

"Well, what should I do?" Asks the man.

"Hold the club gently," the pro replies, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight down the fairway.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. After the pro watches her swing, he says, "No, no, no, You're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do" asks the wife?

"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway, about 35 feet.

"That was great," the pro says, "Nice and gentle. Now take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to"!


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New Living Will Form

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for

(please initial all that apply)

_________ a martini,

_________ a margarita,

_________ a beer,

_________ a steak,

_________ the remote control,

_________ a bowl of ice cream,

_________ a rum & coke,

_________ sex,

_________ Wine

_________chocolate

it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own ###### business, and pay attention instead to the future of the millions who aren't in a permanent coma.

Signature:___________________________

Date: ___________________________

Witness: __________________________




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Women' Arses

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses!

I thought the results were pretty interesting:


85% of women think their ass is too fat...


10% of women think their ass is too skinny...


The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.





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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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