Monday 18th November 2019 - 12:48:47 

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Essex Girls Moved to Glasgow?

A Glesga Burd goes tae the social tae register fur child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the civil servant.

"10" replies the girl.

"10???" says the civil servant. "What are their names?"

"Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec and.....eh...Alec"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naw..." says the girl "its great because if thur oot playin in the street, ah jist huv tae shout ALEC, YER DINNER'S READY or ALEC, GO TO BED NOW 'n' they aw dae it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed civil servant.

"Aw 'at's easy," says the girl... "A jist yaze thur surnames"

********************************************************************

A Glesga burd walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "Ah'll be back ra morra efternin tae pick up ma dress." she says.

"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

"Naw" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

********************************************************************

Glesga burd enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.

The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."

She says "Gies that rid yin"

The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."

********************************************************************

A Glesga burd is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.

Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?"

Girl: "OK

Medic: "What's your name?"

Girl: "Morag."

Medic: "OK Morag, is this your car?"

Morag: "Yes."

Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"

Morag: "Glesga"

********************************************************************

Glesga burd was driving down the M8 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Listen Doll, I just heard on the news that thur's a motor gawn the wrang wie oan the M8. Better watch yersel'!"

"It's no' jist wan motor!" said the girl, "There's fcukin' hunners o' them!"

********************************************************************

Another Glesga burd was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor. Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."

Danielle: "Ok."

Medic: "Ok the how many fingers have I put up?"

Danielle: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"



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Latest News from Liverpool Echo

LIVERPOOL ECHO (AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a
Liverpool courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling
over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being
beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his
aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that
family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When
the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy
cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the
judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who
should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references
and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary
custody to Everton Football Club whom the boy firmly believes are
incapable of beating anyone.




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Samurai's and Flies

Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.

A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai.

The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"
Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. WHOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 peices! The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two...." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHH. A gust of wind filss the room, but the fly is still buzzing around.

The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"

And the Jewish samurai replies - "Look closer, that fly has been circumcised!"


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Bed Time Story

Dave met Stacey in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Stacey invited Dave to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other. After a short while, Stacey began tenderly stroking Dave's manhood.

Surprised but appreciative, Dave comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already"?

Stacey replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and miss the days when I had mine".




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A Cowboy and the Indians

Some Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."

The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."

The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."

The indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"


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The Hitchhiker

A young, lonely guy driving across the country decided to pick up a stunning blonde hitchhiker. A few miles into the trek, the blonde started coming onto him, so needless to say, he pulled over to the side of the desolate, deserted road so she could give him some oral pleasure.

Once his pants were down to his ankles, the blonde surprised him with a gun
and bound his wrists to his ankles. Then, she robbed him of his wallet and clothes, and drove off with his car. Once she was out of sight, the man struggled to his feet and began hopping alongside the road in a desperate attempt to get someone's help.

A short time later, a trucker pulled up alongside the troubled man. "What happened to you?" asked the trucker, with a grin.

The man explained his plight...

The trucker stepped down from his truck, and as he unzipped his pants he remarked, "This just ain't been your day, has it boy?!"


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Olympic Wrestlers

It's the Gold Medal round of the Olympics, and a Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off. Before the match, the American wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, “Now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this ‘pretzel’ hold he has. Whatever you do, don’t let him get you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!” The wrestler nodded in acknowledgement.

As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t even watch the ending.

Suddenly, there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised
his eye just in time to watch the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian’s back hit the mat with a thud, and the American collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded, and ran to his wrestler, who was jumping around the mat, with people swarming him from all angles.

When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”
The wrestler answered, “Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.”
“So,” the trainer exclaimed, “that finished him off, did it?”

“No, but you’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!”


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The Alligator

A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, puts the gator up on the bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside, leave ’em there for five minutes, then remove my unit unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?"

The crowd murmurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator then closes its mouth as the crowd gasps. After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opens its mouth and the man removes his genitals—unscathed, as promised.

The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered.

"Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd.

After a few seconds, a blonde woman timidly speaks up. "I’ll do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle."


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The Burglar

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

" Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

" Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

" Moses," replied the bird.

" Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

" The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus."


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Public Service Announcements

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK"
She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER"
She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

She is not "EASY"
She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

She is not a "DUMB BLONDE"
She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

She has not "BEEN AROUND"
She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

She is not an "AIRHEAD"
She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY"
She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."

She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS"
She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

She does not "NAG" you
She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

She is not a "TRAMP"
She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS"
She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER"
She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."



HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

He does not have a "BEER GUT"
He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

He is not a "BAD DANCER"
He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME"
He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

He is not "BALDING"
He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER"
He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK"
He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS"
He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG"
He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT"
He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

He is not "HORNY"
He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants
It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."







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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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