Friday 13th December 2019 - 10:12:42 

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Misunderstanding

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown".

The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.

The big guy says, "What's wrong with you"?

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me"?

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown".

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"!!!


Contributor: Jem


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Obituary About Larry La Prise, the Man Who Wrote 'the Hokey Kokey'

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week **.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Kokey", died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started.



** Actually Larry died on April 4th 1996 so this is quite old, never heard it before though.


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Federal Government Employee Performance Evaluations.


1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this employee to breed.

3. This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.

4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

5. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.

6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

9. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better.

10. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

11. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

12. He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.

13. He's been working with glue too much.

14. He would argue with a signpost.

15. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.

16. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

17. If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.

18. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

19. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

20. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

21. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

22. He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

23. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

24. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

25. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

26. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm

27. One neuron short of a synapse.

28. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

29. Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'.

30. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.




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Why Men Don't Talk to Each Other in Public Toilets...

I needed to pay a visit, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hi ya mate, how are you going"?

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied "Not too bad thanks".

After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to"?

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick poo.., how about yourself"?

The next thing I heard him say was ...

"Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some d*ckhead in the loo next to me answering everything I say".


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A Jelly Baby Walks into a Bar and Starts Talking to a Smartie.

A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.

After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"

The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre; I always end up getting my head kicked in."

So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."

Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.

After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.

The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out.

Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me................"

"I was", says Smartie, "but those Lockets are f**king menthol!"


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Smart Kids

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
_________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your maths multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
_______________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
___________________________________



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Dear Diary,

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those
expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.

But this week I got a call from the contractor who installed
them, complaining that his work had been completed a whole
year ago, and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy, did we go around!! Just because I'm blonde
doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy
had told me last year: namely, that in one year the windows
would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just
hung up... and I have not heard back.

Guess I won that stupid argument!




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Best Comeback Line Ever?

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'

"He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? ######...is it midnight already


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Essex Girls Moved to Glasgow?

A Glesga Burd goes tae the social tae register fur child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the civil servant.

"10" replies the girl.

"10???" says the civil servant. "What are their names?"

"Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec and.....eh...Alec"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naw..." says the girl "its great because if thur oot playin in the street, ah jist huv tae shout ALEC, YER DINNER'S READY or ALEC, GO TO BED NOW 'n' they aw dae it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed civil servant.

"Aw 'at's easy," says the girl... "A jist yaze thur surnames"

********************************************************************

A Glesga burd walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "Ah'll be back ra morra efternin tae pick up ma dress." she says.

"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

"Naw" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

********************************************************************

Glesga burd enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.

The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."

She says "Gies that rid yin"

The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."

********************************************************************

A Glesga burd is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.

Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?"

Girl: "OK

Medic: "What's your name?"

Girl: "Morag."

Medic: "OK Morag, is this your car?"

Morag: "Yes."

Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"

Morag: "Glesga"

********************************************************************

Glesga burd was driving down the M8 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Listen Doll, I just heard on the news that thur's a motor gawn the wrang wie oan the M8. Better watch yersel'!"

"It's no' jist wan motor!" said the girl, "There's fcukin' hunners o' them!"

********************************************************************

Another Glesga burd was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor. Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."

Danielle: "Ok."

Medic: "Ok the how many fingers have I put up?"

Danielle: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"



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Latest News from Liverpool Echo

LIVERPOOL ECHO (AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a
Liverpool courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling
over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being
beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his
aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that
family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When
the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy
cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the
judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who
should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references
and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary
custody to Everton Football Club whom the boy firmly believes are
incapable of beating anyone.




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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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