Friday 18th January 2019 - 04:11:18 

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The World Expert on European Wasps ...

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.

As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye.

"Just Released -New LP -Wasps of the World and the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant.

"If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head.

"I don't understand it", he says,

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes."

Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth.

Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."


"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant, I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."


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Getting Even

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively. "Umm, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"

She yells at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

At the top of his lungs, he responds, "What do you mean $200?"


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Caught in the Act

Sheila comes home early from work one day only to find her husband, Mark, in bed with a woman.

Sheila says "That's it, I'm leaving and never coming back."

Mark says "Don't you at least want to hear my explanation?"

Sheila shrugs and says "Fine, let's hear your story."

Mark says "I'm driving along the street when I see this young lady in torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy and crying. I took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up in my house.

She climbed into my truck and I brought her home. She took a shower, I gave her the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the blouse I bought you 2 years ago that you never wore, the $150 Nike running shoes you bought but never used - I even gave her some of the roast beef you had in the fridge, but didn't serve to me.

I showed her to the door. She thanked me profusely. As she was about to leave she turned around and asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'"


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Something to Look Forward To...

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one
morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said,
'"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel
answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and
stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I
know where to find my hearing aid."


When the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice
in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhoea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family
phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of
diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and
day so of course I know he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be
better for posterity to remember him as a great lover, rather than the
big s- - he always was."


An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They
were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave
came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and
couldn't find her, so the Captain sent the old man back to shore with
the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by, and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It
read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom
of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her
butt was an oyster, and in it was a pearl worth $50,000...please
advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl, and re-bait the
trap."


A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed
away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the
casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan.They open the casket and find that the woman is
actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once
again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are
again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the
door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"


When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a
park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me
every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh
fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me
homemade soup for lunch, and my favourite brownies, and then makes love
to me for half the afternoon.

I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he
makes me a gourmet meal with wine, and my favourite dessert and then
makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would
you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live!"


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately,
their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long
time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought,
but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend
glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at
her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"


THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.


Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 1,
oh hel_l, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember
who they are. Then something is supposed to happen . I think.


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Misunderstanding

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown".

The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.

The big guy says, "What's wrong with you"?

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me"?

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown".

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"!!!


Contributor: Jem


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Obituary About Larry La Prise, the Man Who Wrote 'the Hokey Kokey'

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week **.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Kokey", died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started.



** Actually Larry died on April 4th 1996 so this is quite old, never heard it before though.


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Federal Government Employee Performance Evaluations.


1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this employee to breed.

3. This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.

4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

5. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.

6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

9. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better.

10. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

11. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

12. He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.

13. He's been working with glue too much.

14. He would argue with a signpost.

15. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.

16. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

17. If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.

18. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

19. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

20. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

21. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

22. He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

23. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

24. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

25. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

26. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm

27. One neuron short of a synapse.

28. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

29. Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'.

30. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.




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Why Men Don't Talk to Each Other in Public Toilets...

I needed to pay a visit, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hi ya mate, how are you going"?

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied "Not too bad thanks".

After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to"?

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick poo.., how about yourself"?

The next thing I heard him say was ...

"Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some d*ckhead in the loo next to me answering everything I say".


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A Jelly Baby Walks into a Bar and Starts Talking to a Smartie.

A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.

After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"

The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre; I always end up getting my head kicked in."

So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."

Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.

After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.

The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out.

Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me................"

"I was", says Smartie, "but those Lockets are f**king menthol!"


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Smart Kids

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
_________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your maths multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
_______________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
___________________________________



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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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