Saturday 20th October 2018 - 11:22:04 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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Any Objection To...?

Joel had a blind date for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself attracted to her more and more. After some really passionate embracing, he said, "Tell me, do you object to making love?"

"That's something I've never done before," she replied.

"Never made love? You mean you're a virgin?" Joel was amazed.

"No, silly!" she giggled. "Never objected!"


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The Engineers and the Accountants go to a London Meeting

Group of people from a company in England have to go to London for a meeting. Four from the accounts department and four from engineering.

They all arrive at the train station and the accountants all queue up at the ticket
booth and buy their tickets.

Only one engineer joins them and buys his ticket. The rest don't bother.

This arouses conversation and some curiosity on the accountants' part. When they get on the train all the accountants take their seats and all the engineers pile into the
toilet at the end of the carriage.

Shortly afterwards a ticket inspector comes through checking everybody's ticket. When he comes o the "occupied" toilet he raps on the door and says "ticket please". The engineers slide their one ticket under the door, the inspector clips it and and slides it back.

The accountants were impressed with this. On the return journey one of the accountants
bought a ticket. They were a bit puzzled by the fact that none of the engineers bought a ticket.

They all got on the train , the accountants all piled into the nearest toilet and the engineers strolled down to the next carriage where three of the squeezed into the toilet while the fourth waited.

A few minutes after the train started moving this engineer walked down to the toilet in the other carriage , rapped on the door and said "ticket please".

When it slid out under the door he went to rejoin his colleagues in the other toilet.



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A Real Groaner

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."


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Aberdonians

The first people in the country to have double glazing were the Aberdonians so their kids couldn't hear the ice cream vans.

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How many Aberdonians does it take to change a light bulb?
Och! it's no that dark.

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Have you heard about the lecherous Aberdonian who lured a girl up to his attic to see his etchings?
He sold her four of them.

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An Aberdonian took a girl for a romantic ride in his taxi. She was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eye on the meter

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A very popular man dies in Aberdeen and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once so she goes to the Aberdeen Evening Express and says "I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband"

The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"

The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says "You wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok" so the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads

"Peter Reid, fae Kincorth, deid"

He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads

"Peter Reid, fae Kincorth deid. Ford Escort for sale"

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Jock was out working the field in the vale of Tullos when a barnstormer landed.
"I'll give you an airplane ride for £50," said the pilot.
"Sorry, cannae afford it," replied Jock.
"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride but if you get scared it'll be £100."
So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jock. Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear seat he said, "Got to hand it to you, for country folk you sure are brave!"
"Aye," said Jock "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell oot!"


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Being Totally Honest:

A bachelor tried to take a vacation every summer. He was a golf nut and spent two weeks at Hilton Head. Last summer he met a woman out there and fell head over heels in love with her.

On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue their relationship.

They agreed that total honesty was important so there would be "no surprises" later that would destroy their love.

"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."

Well, if we're being totally honest with each other, here goes," she replied. "I'm a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment.

Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."


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The Poker Player

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up,he noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.

Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there"?

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500".

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested.

She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and as John doesn't, he should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around John showed up at Bill's house at 2p.m.sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

John then quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon"?

With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon".

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500"?

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500".

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back".



Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!



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Doctor's Orders

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well.

The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?"

Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."


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The Christmas Present from the Boyfriend Got Mixed Up in the Shop


A young man called Martin wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's Christmas present.

As they had not been dating for very long, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister he went to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white gloves.

The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time.

During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart the panties.

Without checking the contents the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:


Dear Maria,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little tight on her. She also told me that her pair rubs her ring which helps keep it clean and shiny, in fact she had not needed to wash it since she had begun wearing them. I wish I were there to put them on for you for the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many lips will kiss them during the coming years. I hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love Martin.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.


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When I Say I'm Broke; I'm Broke!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a f*cking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."


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Bad Memory

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replied, "Sure."

She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."

He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"




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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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