Wednesday 20th February 2019 - 06:48:02 

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Rindercella

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though God knows how many takes). Irony is that they received not one complaint. It must have been the speed of delivery. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms as you read: I DON"T BELIEVE THAT STATEMENT!!! Funny & very clever.


This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters. Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.
Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light lucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slassglipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slassglipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slassglipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince
lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.


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Whoops After the Guy Had a Circumcision Operation Mixup

This poor guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change.

All the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.

Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.

"Damn!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again"!

"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. "It'll just have to be someone else's".


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Aeroplane Crash

An aeroplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa has a malfunction, and goes down.

The Pepsi Company sends a rescue plane to look for the crashed aircraft. The rescue team search the area and find a tribe of cannibals. They go up to the Chief of the tribe and ask him if he knows anything about the crash.

The Chief says, "You betcha!"

When asked where the crew was, the Chief replies, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi."

The rescue crew are shocked. One man asks, "Did you eat their legs?"

The chief replies, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi."

Another rescuer asks, "Did you eat their arms?"

The Chief replies, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."

After looking totally horrified for a minute, a third asks, "Did you...you know...eat, their...'things'?"

The chief says, "No."

"No?" asks the rescuer.

"No," replies the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke."




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Adventures in Punctuation

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about.
You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not
like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have
ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no
feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever
happy--will you let me be yours?
Jane

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about
you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like
you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined
me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings
whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy.
Will you let me be?
Yours,
Jane


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Things to Ponder

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a bathroom section in a swimming pool?

3. OK.. so if! the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

7. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways...

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12.! If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

15. What hair color do they put on the ! driver's licenses of bald men?

16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for their final exam.

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look fo! r them while they deliver the mail?

19 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

22. The list goes on forever...


22. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?


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Drunken Stupor

A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant.

The husband kept looking over at a nearby table where a lady sat in a drunken stupor.

The wife asks "I notice you've been watching that lady for some time now. Do you know her?

"Yes" he replies, "she's my ex-wife, and has been drinking like that since I left her seven years ago."

"That's unbelievable" the wife replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."


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The Biker and the Little Old Lady

A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot".

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."


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One for the Scots...

Tony Blair is opening a new hospital in Edinburgh. Some PR bright spark says it would be a good idea to get some snaps of Tony talking with some of the patients, so a consultant duly leads Tony onto the nearest ward.

Up at the first bed, the patient sits bolt upright in bed, grabs Blair's arm and says:
"Wee, sleekit, cowrin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi' bickering brattle!"

Quickly onto the next bed where the patient stares Blair up and down and says:
"Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face, Great chieftain o' the puddin-race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm:"

Finally the last bed where the patient, with eyeballs whizzing round and round says:
"Ha! whare ye gaun' ye crowlin ferlie? Your impudence protects you sairly;
I canna say but ye strunt rarely Owre gauze and lace,"

Blair has finally had enough and turns on the consultant: "It's a stitch up, you've brought me onto a psychiatric ward deliberately!"

"No," replies the consultant, "this is the Serious Burns Unit."


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The World Expert on European Wasps ...

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.

As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye.

"Just Released -New LP -Wasps of the World and the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant.

"If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head.

"I don't understand it", he says,

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes."

Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth.

Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."


"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant, I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."


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Getting Even

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively. "Umm, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"

She yells at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

At the top of his lungs, he responds, "What do you mean $200?"


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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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