Monday 16th December 2019 - 12:23:38 

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Real Notes to British Milkmen

Dear milkman I've just had a baby, please leave another one.

Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

Cancel one pint after the day after today.

Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.

Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.

Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.

Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.

Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.

When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea.

My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle ?

Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.

Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.

Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.

From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.

My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.

Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.

When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk.

No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.


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I Need Some Advice on what Could Be a Life Changing Decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my girlfriend. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was while I was crouched down behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel well.

Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from the local auto shop and try to repair it myself?


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A Professor of Mathematics Sent a Fax to his Wife.

It read:

"Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
-Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a fax letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18- year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."


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One for the Brits' About the Suspected Terrorist Attack on Sunderland


I got this today and the warning appears genuine.

Yesterday, a friend of mine was travelling on a Sunderland to Newcastle train.

A man of Arabic appearance got off the train and my friend noticed that he had left his bag behind.

She grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him in the terminal and handed him back his bag.

He was extremely grateful and reached into his bag which appeared to contain large bundles of money.

He looked around to make sure nobody was looking and whispered "I can never repay your kindness, but I will try to...with a word of advice for you : Stay away from Sunderland".

My friend was genuinely terrified.

"Is there going to be an attack" she asked him?

"No ... ", he whispered back...... "It's a shithole".


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Rindercella

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though God knows how many takes). Irony is that they received not one complaint. It must have been the speed of delivery. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms as you read: I DON"T BELIEVE THAT STATEMENT!!! Funny & very clever.


This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters. Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.
Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light lucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slassglipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slassglipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slassglipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince
lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.


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Whoops After the Guy Had a Circumcision Operation Mixup

This poor guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change.

All the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.

Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.

"Damn!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again"!

"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. "It'll just have to be someone else's".


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Aeroplane Crash

An aeroplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa has a malfunction, and goes down.

The Pepsi Company sends a rescue plane to look for the crashed aircraft. The rescue team search the area and find a tribe of cannibals. They go up to the Chief of the tribe and ask him if he knows anything about the crash.

The Chief says, "You betcha!"

When asked where the crew was, the Chief replies, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi."

The rescue crew are shocked. One man asks, "Did you eat their legs?"

The chief replies, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi."

Another rescuer asks, "Did you eat their arms?"

The Chief replies, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."

After looking totally horrified for a minute, a third asks, "Did you...you know...eat, their...'things'?"

The chief says, "No."

"No?" asks the rescuer.

"No," replies the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke."




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Adventures in Punctuation

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about.
You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not
like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have
ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no
feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever
happy--will you let me be yours?
Jane

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about
you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like
you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined
me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings
whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy.
Will you let me be?
Yours,
Jane


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Things to Ponder

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a bathroom section in a swimming pool?

3. OK.. so if! the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

7. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways...

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12.! If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

15. What hair color do they put on the ! driver's licenses of bald men?

16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for their final exam.

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look fo! r them while they deliver the mail?

19 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

22. The list goes on forever...


22. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?


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Drunken Stupor

A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant.

The husband kept looking over at a nearby table where a lady sat in a drunken stupor.

The wife asks "I notice you've been watching that lady for some time now. Do you know her?

"Yes" he replies, "she's my ex-wife, and has been drinking like that since I left her seven years ago."

"That's unbelievable" the wife replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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