Wednesday 4th November 2020 - 20:40:43 

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Health & Fitness - Old Age - Dangerous Driving Penalties

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge
around the nursing home taking corners on one wheel and getting up
to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman isone sandwich short of a picnic, the other
residents tolerate her and some of the men actually join in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and
Crazy Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.

"Stop!" he said in a firm voice, "Have you got a license for that

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat
wrapper and held it up to him.

"O.K." he said and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird
Harold popped out in front of her.

"Stop!" he said, "Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it
up to him.

Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Mad
Malcolm stepped out in front of her, stark naked holding a very
sizable erection in his hand.

"Oh, no," said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"

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Just Between Us!

Cindy Crawford and a guy were stranded on a deserted island. After several weeks without rescue, nature took its inevitable course and the two began to make love. Months later, they were still marooned and they were still making

One day, Cindy asked her companion if there was anything special she could do for him. "Well, yes, as a matter of fact," he said. "Would you mind putting
on my trousers and shirt?"

"No, that’s OK, I guess," she replied, stepping into his pants.

"And my jacket and tie?"

"Well, all right," she agreed.

"And could you pull your hair under this baseball cap?"

"Sure," she replied, getting into the game.

"OK, do you feel like a regular guy now?" he asked.


"A regular guy?"

"Yeah, yeah. Now what can I do for you?" she asked impatiently.

He tapped her shoulder, leaned toward her ear and whispered, "Just between you and me, dude, I’m fucking Cindy Crawford."

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On the Way to Get Married

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in heaven.

St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out". And he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer. For months. They began to wonder if they really should get married in heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wondered.

The man pondered, "Are we stuck together forever"?

St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes", he informed the couple, "you can get married in heaven" .

"Great", said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in heaven"?

St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong"? asked the frightened couple.

"Come on"! St. Peter shouted. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer"?

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Bill Cosby Quotes

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

Advertising is the most fun you can have with your clothes on.

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

Anyone can dabble, but once you've made that commitment, your blood has that particular thing in it, and it's very hard for people to stop you.

As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by "survival of the fittest."

Children today know more about sex than I or my father did.

Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.

Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

Gray hair is God's graffiti.

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

I am certainly not an authority on love because there are no authorities on love, just those who've had luck with it and those who haven't.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.

In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.

Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy.

My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own fatherhood, but it didn't because parenting can only be learned by people who have no children.

My eleven year old daughter mopes around the house all day waiting for her breasts to grow.

No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.

Nothing separates the generations more than music. By the time a child is eight or nine, he has developed a passion for his own music that is even stronger than his passions for procrastination and weird clothes.

Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet.

People will frighten you about a graduation...They use words you don't hear often... "And we wish you Godspeed." It is a warning, Godpeed. It means you are no longer welcome here at these prices.

Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have five children, my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die.

That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle the Vatican has overlooked.

The essence of childhood, of course, is play, which my friends and I did endlessly on streets that we reluctantly shared with traffic.

The heart of marriage is memories; and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods.

The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it.

The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now.

The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.

There is no labor a person does that is undignified; if they do it right.

When you become senile, you won't know it.

You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.

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Spike Milligan

Genius, they say, is next to madness. Never was this saying truer than with Spike Milligan. What appeals to me about Spike Milligan's style is imagination in creating surreal images. I cannot think of another comedian who produced such a stream of original material. Research almost any other comic’s material and you will find their ideas or routines belong to stars of a previous generation.

Spike Milligan Quips

After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

I don't mind dying. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

Spike Milligan and the Goons

One reason that Spike Milligan is revered by Englishmen of a certain age is that Radio was Spike's best medium. As a boy back in the 1950's radio was all we had, there was no TV. In those days the goon show had us spellbound in a way that Harry Potter captivates the current generation. To tell the truth back then, I did not think of Spike Milligan but only of the characters he brought to life: Eccles, Fred Fu Manchu, and Bowser. Later I discovered that it was Peter Sellers who played Bloodnok, Bluebottle and Henry Crun, while Harry Secombe played Neddie Seagoon. Even later I discovered that other characters were played by all manner of people; two of note were Michael Bentine and surprisingly, Ray Ellington.

Snippets from the Goon Shows

Bloodnok: I'll turn a deaf ear.
Seagoon: I didn't know you had a deaf ear.
Bloodnok: Yes, I found it on the floor of a barber's shop.

Seagoon: We've come to disconnect your phone.
The Red Bladder: I haven't got one.
Seagoon: Don't worry, we've brought one with us.

Seagoon: Any cases of frozen feet?
Eccles: You didn't order any cases of frozen feet!

Seagoon: For an hour we ran in French, which I ran fluently.

At a distance of 50 years, it's hard to express how the goons buffoonery became a cult of the era. To give one example, the nonsense song Ying tong reached number 3 in the hit parade in September 1956. As then, once you read the verse a few times you cannot get it out of your mind.

Ying tong, ying tong, ying tong, ying tong, ying tong yiddle i po,
Ying tong, ying tong, ying tong yiddle i po, yiddle i po,
Ying tong, ying tong, ying tong, ying tong, ying tong yiddle i po,
Ying tong, ying tong, ying tong yiddle i po, yiddle i po.
Yiiiing, tongy tongy tongy, yiddy diddy diddy da doh, ying diddy,
Ying tong diddle, yiddledy boo,
Ying tong, ying tong, ying tong yiddle, ying tong yiddle i po,
Ying tong, ying tong, ying tong yiddle i po, yiddle i po, oh!

Remember in those days a half an hour listening to the radio, followed by a kick-about with a ball in in the street and boys were happy with the simple pleasures of life.

Spike Milligan's Irreverence

Comedian's are notorious for gently taking the Mickey out of politicians and any other dignitaries that they meet. Perhaps the incident which best sums up Spike Milligan's irreverence and ability to shock was when in 1994 he called the Prince of Wales, "a grovelling little bastard". However, while the phrase is widely quoted, it does require context. The Prince of Wales had been a Goon fan since childhood, Spike Milligan and Prince Charles first met in 1969 and the Prince of Wales. The quip was in response to a letter that the Prince of Wales wrote congratulating Spike on his lifetime comedy award. Nevertheless, it was a shocking thing to say live on stage.

The best measure of Spike Milligan's genius was then number of people who imitated him. John Cleese and the Monty Python gang freely admit that Spike inspired their sketches, Eddie Izzard called Spike Milligan the 'godfather of alternative comedy'.

More Spike Milligan Quips

Spike Milligan: "How are you at Mathematics?".
Harry Secombe: "I speak it like a native".

Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one

All men are cremated equal

Apéritif:: French for a set of dentures.

Sad Hamlet to Ophelia: 'I'll do a sketch of thee, what kind of pencil shall I use?
2B, or not 2B?'

Selected Spike Milligan Credits

The Goon Show (Radio)

Q - (1970's TV Program)

Adolf Hitler - My Part in his Downfall (Book)

Puckoon - (Book then Film)

The Great McGonagall - (Film)

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Real Notes to British Milkmen

Dear milkman I've just had a baby, please leave another one.

Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

Cancel one pint after the day after today.

Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.

Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.

Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.

Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.

Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.

When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea.

My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle ?

Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.

Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.

Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.

From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.

My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.

Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.

When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk.

No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.

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I Need Some Advice on what Could Be a Life Changing Decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my girlfriend. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was while I was crouched down behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel well.

Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from the local auto shop and try to repair it myself?

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A Professor of Mathematics Sent a Fax to his Wife.

It read:

"Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
-Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a fax letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18- year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

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One for the Brits' About the Suspected Terrorist Attack on Sunderland

I got this today and the warning appears genuine.

Yesterday, a friend of mine was travelling on a Sunderland to Newcastle train.

A man of Arabic appearance got off the train and my friend noticed that he had left his bag behind.

She grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him in the terminal and handed him back his bag.

He was extremely grateful and reached into his bag which appeared to contain large bundles of money.

He looked around to make sure nobody was looking and whispered "I can never repay your kindness, but I will try to...with a word of advice for you : Stay away from Sunderland".

My friend was genuinely terrified.

"Is there going to be an attack" she asked him?

"No ... ", he whispered back...... "It's a shithole".

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This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though God knows how many takes). Irony is that they received not one complaint. It must have been the speed of delivery. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms as you read: I DON"T BELIEVE THAT STATEMENT!!! Funny & very clever.

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters. Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.
Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light lucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slassglipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slassglipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slassglipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince
lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

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Old Jokes   31    32    33    34  35  36    37    38    39   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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