Monday 21st October 2019 - 02:18:13 

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Holy Joes Desiderata

one tuesday evening in september 2001 we read the orginal, then we read and giggled at a version written by Billy Connolly ... together we made up our own ... this is wot we wrote ....

Never use the words "I disagree" when what you really mean is bollocks!

Trust not any explanation that begins or ends with the word "obviously"

Disruptiveness is next to Godliness

Be respectful of all opinions, unless they're wrong, obviously

Keep your drunkenness in direct proportion to the pointlessness of the speaker

Suggest a theme for Holy Joes evening. Then ensure your absence when it occurs.

But most of all be yourself.

Never underestimate the amount of alcohol needed to facilitate intelligent conversation and go to the bar whenever you feel like it.

However nice it is inside your head try and live in the world some of the time.

If you are going to ask a question, be prepared to accept the worst possible answer.

Take a cardigan, an umbrella and a hankie, carry a toothbrush and always know where your towel is.

Split up troublemakers for their own benefit and your peace of mind.

Know the difference between product and packaging.

Give up your seat on the bus, smile at people for no reason & thank people who are just doing their job.

Always look before crossing the road and kissing people.

Never risk anything you aren't prepared to lose.

Take off your rose tinted specs, but always keep them close at hand.

Have an open mind, but not so open that everything falls out.

Keep it real.

Don't try to be better than anyone else, try to be better than what you were.

Don't order the same curry every time you go down the Indian.

If you've got a skeleton in the closet, dance with it.

If you must go to church, be prepared to … shout loudly, sleep soundly, walk out noisily, join in heartily with the sermon .

There's no such thing as bad beer, only good beer and better beer.

On the subject of one liners, it's not whether you should, it's whether your are brave enough.

Please do not confuse holy joes members with people who give a shit.

We avoid clichés like the plague and we don't like conclusions, with the possible exception of … Stand up if you hate Man U.

Courtesy of: www.holyjoes.com


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Children's Science Exam Answers.

These are real answers from school kids!

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts- the brainium, the borax, and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.


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Trick or Treat

A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house and the man who answers it says, "Well, you two are awfully cute. Who are you supposed to be?"

"We're Jack and Jill," the girl replied.

The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!"

They go off and a while later they come back dressed differently.
They ring the door bell and once again and the man opens the door.
"Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?"

"We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy.

"Well, I hate to disappoint you, son, but you can't be Hansel and
Gretel because you're black!" says the man. Heads hung low, the kids leave.

Not too much later the man hears the bell ring again. This time when he opens the door, there stand the two children but this time they are BUCK NAKED.

"Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?!" he asks.

"Chocolate M & M's," said the little girl. "I'm plain. He's got
nuts."


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Royal Navy Reports Submitted by Mr Tim

The form used for Royal Navy and Royal Marines officer fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts from them:

# His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

# I would not breed from this Officer.

# This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

# When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

# He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

# He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

# Technically sound, but socially impossible.

# This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

# This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

# When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

# This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

# Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

# She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

# He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

# This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

# In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

# The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

# Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

# This man is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot. [The Ed - don't we all know someone who fits that description?!!!]


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Honeymoon Confessions

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom saying to himself, "How can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we dated, but she's bound to find out sooner or later."

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "How do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out."

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."

And she says, "So have I, love."

To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."


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Halloween Party

There's a man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir:
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir:
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he received a small parcel and a note which read:

Dear Sir:
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your butt and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


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Health & Fitness - Old Age - Dangerous Driving Penalties

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge
around the nursing home taking corners on one wheel and getting up
to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman isone sandwich short of a picnic, the other
residents tolerate her and some of the men actually join in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and
Crazy Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.

"Stop!" he said in a firm voice, "Have you got a license for that
thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat
wrapper and held it up to him.

"O.K." he said and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird
Harold popped out in front of her.

"Stop!" he said, "Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it
up to him.

Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Mad
Malcolm stepped out in front of her, stark naked holding a very
sizable erection in his hand.

"Oh, no," said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"



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Just Between Us!

Cindy Crawford and a guy were stranded on a deserted island. After several weeks without rescue, nature took its inevitable course and the two began to make love. Months later, they were still marooned and they were still making
love.

One day, Cindy asked her companion if there was anything special she could do for him. "Well, yes, as a matter of fact," he said. "Would you mind putting
on my trousers and shirt?"

"No, that’s OK, I guess," she replied, stepping into his pants.

"And my jacket and tie?"

"Well, all right," she agreed.

"And could you pull your hair under this baseball cap?"

"Sure," she replied, getting into the game.

"OK, do you feel like a regular guy now?" he asked.

"Yeah."

"A regular guy?"

"Yeah, yeah. Now what can I do for you?" she asked impatiently.

He tapped her shoulder, leaned toward her ear and whispered, "Just between you and me, dude, I’m fucking Cindy Crawford."


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On the Way to Get Married

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in heaven.

St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out". And he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer. For months. They began to wonder if they really should get married in heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wondered.

The man pondered, "Are we stuck together forever"?

St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes", he informed the couple, "you can get married in heaven" .

"Great", said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in heaven"?

St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong"? asked the frightened couple.

"Come on"! St. Peter shouted. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer"?


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Bill Cosby Quotes

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.


Advertising is the most fun you can have with your clothes on.


Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.


Anyone can dabble, but once you've made that commitment, your blood has that particular thing in it, and it's very hard for people to stop you.


As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by "survival of the fittest."


Children today know more about sex than I or my father did.


Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.


Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.


Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.


Gray hair is God's graffiti.


Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.


I am certainly not an authority on love because there are no authorities on love, just those who've had luck with it and those who haven't.


I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.


If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.


In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.


Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.


Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.


Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy.


My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own fatherhood, but it didn't because parenting can only be learned by people who have no children.


My eleven year old daughter mopes around the house all day waiting for her breasts to grow.


No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.


Nothing separates the generations more than music. By the time a child is eight or nine, he has developed a passion for his own music that is even stronger than his passions for procrastination and weird clothes.


Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet.


People will frighten you about a graduation...They use words you don't hear often... "And we wish you Godspeed." It is a warning, Godpeed. It means you are no longer welcome here at these prices.


Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have five children, my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die.


That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle the Vatican has overlooked.


The essence of childhood, of course, is play, which my friends and I did endlessly on streets that we reluctantly shared with traffic.


The heart of marriage is memories; and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods.


The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it.


The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now.


The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.


There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.


There is no labor a person does that is undignified; if they do it right.


When you become senile, you won't know it.


You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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