Saturday 21st September 2019 - 18:08:58 

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Murphy's Laws of Sex

The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

Nothing improves with age.

No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

Sex has no calories.

Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

No sex with anyone in the same office.

Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

A man in the house is worth two in the street.

If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

Virginity can be cured.

When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

It is always the wrong time of month.

The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

Sow your wild oats on Saturday night.Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

The younger the better.

The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.

There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.

Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.

Love is a hole in the heart.

If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.

Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

Do it only with the best.

Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Thou shalt not commit adultery... unless in the mood.

Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.

Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.

A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.

What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

Never say no.

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

Love comes in spurts.

The world does not revolve on an axis.

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

Don't do it if you can't keep it up.

There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

"This won't hurt, I promise."


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What's Your Name

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."

"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"

So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"

The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"

"Me, is right here," replies the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He say, "Hans Olaffsen."

Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"

"I say, Sem Ting."


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Holy Joes Desiderata

one tuesday evening in september 2001 we read the orginal, then we read and giggled at a version written by Billy Connolly ... together we made up our own ... this is wot we wrote ....

Never use the words "I disagree" when what you really mean is bollocks!

Trust not any explanation that begins or ends with the word "obviously"

Disruptiveness is next to Godliness

Be respectful of all opinions, unless they're wrong, obviously

Keep your drunkenness in direct proportion to the pointlessness of the speaker

Suggest a theme for Holy Joes evening. Then ensure your absence when it occurs.

But most of all be yourself.

Never underestimate the amount of alcohol needed to facilitate intelligent conversation and go to the bar whenever you feel like it.

However nice it is inside your head try and live in the world some of the time.

If you are going to ask a question, be prepared to accept the worst possible answer.

Take a cardigan, an umbrella and a hankie, carry a toothbrush and always know where your towel is.

Split up troublemakers for their own benefit and your peace of mind.

Know the difference between product and packaging.

Give up your seat on the bus, smile at people for no reason & thank people who are just doing their job.

Always look before crossing the road and kissing people.

Never risk anything you aren't prepared to lose.

Take off your rose tinted specs, but always keep them close at hand.

Have an open mind, but not so open that everything falls out.

Keep it real.

Don't try to be better than anyone else, try to be better than what you were.

Don't order the same curry every time you go down the Indian.

If you've got a skeleton in the closet, dance with it.

If you must go to church, be prepared to … shout loudly, sleep soundly, walk out noisily, join in heartily with the sermon .

There's no such thing as bad beer, only good beer and better beer.

On the subject of one liners, it's not whether you should, it's whether your are brave enough.

Please do not confuse holy joes members with people who give a shit.

We avoid clichés like the plague and we don't like conclusions, with the possible exception of … Stand up if you hate Man U.

Courtesy of: www.holyjoes.com


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Children's Science Exam Answers.

These are real answers from school kids!

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts- the brainium, the borax, and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.


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Trick or Treat

A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house and the man who answers it says, "Well, you two are awfully cute. Who are you supposed to be?"

"We're Jack and Jill," the girl replied.

The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!"

They go off and a while later they come back dressed differently.
They ring the door bell and once again and the man opens the door.
"Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?"

"We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy.

"Well, I hate to disappoint you, son, but you can't be Hansel and
Gretel because you're black!" says the man. Heads hung low, the kids leave.

Not too much later the man hears the bell ring again. This time when he opens the door, there stand the two children but this time they are BUCK NAKED.

"Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?!" he asks.

"Chocolate M & M's," said the little girl. "I'm plain. He's got
nuts."


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Royal Navy Reports Submitted by Mr Tim

The form used for Royal Navy and Royal Marines officer fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts from them:

# His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

# I would not breed from this Officer.

# This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

# When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

# He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

# He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

# Technically sound, but socially impossible.

# This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

# This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

# When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

# This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

# Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

# She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

# He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

# This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

# In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

# The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

# Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

# This man is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot. [The Ed - don't we all know someone who fits that description?!!!]


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Honeymoon Confessions

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom saying to himself, "How can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we dated, but she's bound to find out sooner or later."

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "How do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out."

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."

And she says, "So have I, love."

To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."


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Halloween Party

There's a man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir:
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir:
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he received a small parcel and a note which read:

Dear Sir:
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your butt and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


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Health & Fitness - Old Age - Dangerous Driving Penalties

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge
around the nursing home taking corners on one wheel and getting up
to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman isone sandwich short of a picnic, the other
residents tolerate her and some of the men actually join in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and
Crazy Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.

"Stop!" he said in a firm voice, "Have you got a license for that
thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat
wrapper and held it up to him.

"O.K." he said and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird
Harold popped out in front of her.

"Stop!" he said, "Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it
up to him.

Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Mad
Malcolm stepped out in front of her, stark naked holding a very
sizable erection in his hand.

"Oh, no," said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"



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Just Between Us!

Cindy Crawford and a guy were stranded on a deserted island. After several weeks without rescue, nature took its inevitable course and the two began to make love. Months later, they were still marooned and they were still making
love.

One day, Cindy asked her companion if there was anything special she could do for him. "Well, yes, as a matter of fact," he said. "Would you mind putting
on my trousers and shirt?"

"No, that’s OK, I guess," she replied, stepping into his pants.

"And my jacket and tie?"

"Well, all right," she agreed.

"And could you pull your hair under this baseball cap?"

"Sure," she replied, getting into the game.

"OK, do you feel like a regular guy now?" he asked.

"Yeah."

"A regular guy?"

"Yeah, yeah. Now what can I do for you?" she asked impatiently.

He tapped her shoulder, leaned toward her ear and whispered, "Just between you and me, dude, I’m fucking Cindy Crawford."


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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