Monday 21st October 2019 - 02:22:33 

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The Terrible Flood

A terrible flood hit a small town, sending the rescue units out. It just so happened that a devoutly religious woman lived in this town when the flood hit, and she sat down to wait for God to save her.

When the first rescue boat came in the worker called for her to come out but she just shook her head and said "Thank you, but my God will save me." Shaking his head the rescue worker moved on. The waters rose and she climbed to the second story of her home to wait for God.

A second boat came by and the worker called out "Listen lady we've got to get you out of here!" Once again she thanked him profusely and said "My God will save me."

The waters rose a third time forcing her to her roof. The water was just closing around her ankles when a third boat came by. "Lady, I'm the last boat out if you don't come now you're going to die." She just smiled "My God will save me" she said quietly. Frustrated the worker moved on.

The waters rose once again leaving her standing on her chimney. She heard a huge ruckus above her head and when she looked up she saw an emergency helicopter. "This is it lady, you have to come now or we won't be able to save you." Still she refused to go.

The waters rose a final time dragging her under and she was drowned. When she got to heaven, the Lord asked her if she had any questions, and in a timid voice she replied.

"You said if I followed you, you would always save me. Why didn't you save me from that flood?"
God looked at her in shocked disbelief and said:


"My child I sent three boats and a helicopter for you... What else did you want!"


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A Prayer for the Stressed

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today because they got on my nerves.


And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today,
as they may be connected to the feet I may have to kiss tomorrow.


Help me always to give 100% at work...

12% on Monday,
23% on Tuesday,
40% on Wednesday,
20% on Thursday
and 5% on Friday


And help me to remember...

When I'm having a bad day and it seems that people are trying to wind me up,
it takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to extend my arm and smack someone in the mouth!


.


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Early Retirement Bonus

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzled old Chief Warrant Officer, who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my pecker to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's pecker and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied , "Vietnam."


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The Australian Went a Hunting...

An Australian goes on a safari in Africa, taking his pet dingo along for company.

One day, the dingo starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dingo thinks, "Geez, I'm in deep trouble now!"

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dingo exclaims proudly, "Bugger me dead, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dingo nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree. He figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dingo sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving Aussie dingo."

The dingo sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "Struth, what am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the dingo says, "Where the bloody hel_l is that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."


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Shipwreck Survivors

A New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.

They found themselves stranded on a desert island and after being there for a while they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Kiwi took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and lo, and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Kiwi had ever seen.

She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening: red cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon the New Zealander started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'


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Murphy's Laws of Sex

The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

Nothing improves with age.

No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

Sex has no calories.

Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

No sex with anyone in the same office.

Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

A man in the house is worth two in the street.

If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

Virginity can be cured.

When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

It is always the wrong time of month.

The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

Sow your wild oats on Saturday night.Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

The younger the better.

The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.

There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.

Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.

Love is a hole in the heart.

If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.

Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

Do it only with the best.

Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Thou shalt not commit adultery... unless in the mood.

Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.

Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.

A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.

What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

Never say no.

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

Love comes in spurts.

The world does not revolve on an axis.

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

Don't do it if you can't keep it up.

There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

"This won't hurt, I promise."


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What's Your Name

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."

"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"

So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"

The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"

"Me, is right here," replies the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He say, "Hans Olaffsen."

Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"

"I say, Sem Ting."


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Holy Joes Desiderata

one tuesday evening in september 2001 we read the orginal, then we read and giggled at a version written by Billy Connolly ... together we made up our own ... this is wot we wrote ....

Never use the words "I disagree" when what you really mean is bollocks!

Trust not any explanation that begins or ends with the word "obviously"

Disruptiveness is next to Godliness

Be respectful of all opinions, unless they're wrong, obviously

Keep your drunkenness in direct proportion to the pointlessness of the speaker

Suggest a theme for Holy Joes evening. Then ensure your absence when it occurs.

But most of all be yourself.

Never underestimate the amount of alcohol needed to facilitate intelligent conversation and go to the bar whenever you feel like it.

However nice it is inside your head try and live in the world some of the time.

If you are going to ask a question, be prepared to accept the worst possible answer.

Take a cardigan, an umbrella and a hankie, carry a toothbrush and always know where your towel is.

Split up troublemakers for their own benefit and your peace of mind.

Know the difference between product and packaging.

Give up your seat on the bus, smile at people for no reason & thank people who are just doing their job.

Always look before crossing the road and kissing people.

Never risk anything you aren't prepared to lose.

Take off your rose tinted specs, but always keep them close at hand.

Have an open mind, but not so open that everything falls out.

Keep it real.

Don't try to be better than anyone else, try to be better than what you were.

Don't order the same curry every time you go down the Indian.

If you've got a skeleton in the closet, dance with it.

If you must go to church, be prepared to … shout loudly, sleep soundly, walk out noisily, join in heartily with the sermon .

There's no such thing as bad beer, only good beer and better beer.

On the subject of one liners, it's not whether you should, it's whether your are brave enough.

Please do not confuse holy joes members with people who give a shit.

We avoid clichés like the plague and we don't like conclusions, with the possible exception of … Stand up if you hate Man U.

Courtesy of: www.holyjoes.com


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Children's Science Exam Answers.

These are real answers from school kids!

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts- the brainium, the borax, and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.


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Trick or Treat

A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house and the man who answers it says, "Well, you two are awfully cute. Who are you supposed to be?"

"We're Jack and Jill," the girl replied.

The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!"

They go off and a while later they come back dressed differently.
They ring the door bell and once again and the man opens the door.
"Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?"

"We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy.

"Well, I hate to disappoint you, son, but you can't be Hansel and
Gretel because you're black!" says the man. Heads hung low, the kids leave.

Not too much later the man hears the bell ring again. This time when he opens the door, there stand the two children but this time they are BUCK NAKED.

"Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?!" he asks.

"Chocolate M & M's," said the little girl. "I'm plain. He's got
nuts."


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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