Monday 14th December 2020 - 20:18:46 

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Irish Humour

Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.

An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.

Paddy has expired and at his wake...

The priest said "And no one will say his eulogy".

The priest becomes almost apoplectic. "Will no one say this man's eulogy? Will noone at least put forth the 'few appropriate words'"?

At last a neighbor stand up and goes to the podium, to say "His brother was worse"!

Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."


Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.

Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.

Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.

"Quick!" He said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"

"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.

"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."

"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"

"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"

Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

My mother wanted me to be a priest.
Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

Paddy goes into superdrug & asks for KY jelly.
The assistant says, we haven't got any have you tried Boots?
Paddy says, I want to slide in, not march in!!


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Damaging Food

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. “The material we put into our stomachs are enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years, after eating it?

A 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and said, “Wedding Cake.”

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Johnny and his Train Set

A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son Johnny playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and Johnny yell “All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving”.

The mother went in and told Johnny, “we don’t use that kind of language in this house.” Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don’t want to hear any bad language.

Two hours later, Johnny comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard Johnny say, “All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one.

We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today”.

“For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”

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If this machine is out of order, please see the landlord.
– if it's in order, please see the barmaid.

This is the worst chewing-gum I've ever tasted.
– yes, but you can blow fantastic bubbles.

Buy me and stop one.

Buy two and be one jump ahead.

Buy 144 and be grossly oversexed.

Place £2 in slot, wait for coins to drop, pull handle out, push firmly back.
– if this is sex, it sounds extremely boring.

Cuts out oven doubt.

Approved to British Standard BS3704
– so was the Titanic!

My Dad says they don't work.

Someone, somewhere wants a letter from you.

New Shape! New Sensitivity!
– but the same old feeling.

Beware Limbo Dancers
(At bottom of cubicle door)

Beware Irish Limbo Dancer
((At top of cubicle door)

If you can reach this high you should be in the fire brigade.
(Above urinal)

Wet Paint.
This is not an instruction.
(Above urinal)

Please do not throw cigarette ends in the urinal.
– it makes them all soggy and hard to light.

Masturbation stunts the growth.
(Bottom of cubicle door) – now you tell me.

Thank God, a man at last!
(Underside of seat in Ladies)

Sociology degrees – please take one.
(Above toilet roll holder)

Mary – if you're reading this, we're through.
(In a Gents)

The future of the nation is in your hands.

Doesn't anything or anybody work in this place?
– yes me, I put up the Out of Order signs.

If you sprinkle while you tinkle,
Be a sweetie, lift the seatie.

Here I sit, broken-hearted -
Paid a penny and only farted.

I am a practising transvestite. Meet me here Sunday at 8pm.
– how will I recognise you?

Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the performance.

Beware! Jacques Cousteau filming.

Jaws III
Just when you thought it was save to back in the loo...

If you can read this, you're peeing all over your shoes.

Press button for a 60-second speech from Cecil Parkinson.
(On electric hand-dryer)

– and be recognised.

Schizophrenia rules, OK, OK

Cowardice rules, if that's OK by you.

Queen Elizabeth rules, UK.

Potassium Ethoxide rules C2H5OK

Physics rules, -273C

Amnesia rules, O

Personal Hygiene rules, BO.

Anarchy, no rules, OK?

Hurlingham rules, crocquet.

Procrastination will rule one day, OK?

Rooner Spules, KO?

Nostalgia rules, hokey-cokey?

Proof-readers rule, 01

Apathy rul

The King of Siam rules Bangk,OK.

Pedants rule, OK. Or more precisely, exhibit certain of the conventional trappings of leadership.

Town criers rule – okez, okez, okez.

-- --- .-. ... . ._. ..- ._.. . ... --- -.- ..--..

French dockers rule, au quai?

James Bond rules, OOK?

Bureaucracy rules, OK

Agnostics may or may not rule, OK?

The Rubaiyat rules, OK?

Queensberry Rules, KO?

Slide Rules, OK?

My girlfriend wears black rubber and whips me. Ohhhh Kay!

British trees rule. Oak, eh?

Synonyms govern, all right.

Royce Rolls, KO?

Pavlov rules,

Jargon rules, ongoing agreement situation.

Dyslexics lure, KO.

Heisenberg probably rules, OK.

Anagrams or luke?

Roget's Thesaurus dominates, regulates, rules, OK, all right, adequately.

George Gershwin rules. "Oh, Kay"

Rogers and Hammerstein rule Ok.

OK sauce rules, HP.

Matadors rule, ole!

Pope Innocent is pious, OK?

Balliol boot boys rule, OK?

Free the ITV 7.

Free the Heinz 57.

Free the M62.

Free the VAT 69.

Free the Chiltern Hundreds.

Free the InterCity 125.

Free Collective Bargaining.
– He's innocent.

Free Deirdre Rachid!
– with every 5 gallons..

Deirdre Rachid is innos inocc guilty

Bill Stickers Will Be Prosecuted
– Bill Stickers is innocent!

Breakfast in London.
Lunch in New York.
– luggage in Bermuda.
(British Airways poster)

– neither is British Rail

– it takes hours to untangle them.

Every day, 88 InterCity trains leave Birmingham.
– but only 5 get back.

– ours was 107

Burgers in Berkshire,
Wine in Wiltshire,
Coffee in Cornwall.
– sick in St Ives.
(BR catering poster)

– the other 25% pay for it.

The First Three Minutes of Life Can be the Most Dangerous.
– the last three are pretty dodgy, too.

– the gift of a son.

– so does mine.

Do you have a Drink Problem?
– yes, I can't afford it.

Jesus Saves!
– with the Co-op bank.

Jesus Saves!
– but Bremner scores on the rebound.

Jesus Christ is Coming!
– only if he remembers to change at Darlington.

Jesus Lives!
– does this mean we won't get an Easter holiday?

(Defaced Church poster)

Are You Tired of Sin, and Longing for a Rest?
– if not, phone Bayswater 587364

Prayer Meeting 8pm. Refreshments provided afterwards.
– come to pray, stay to scoff.

Reading maketh a full man;
Conference a ready man;
And writing an exact man
- Bacon
– a fat man.

In 1066, near this spot, the Romans landed and were repelled by the men of Romney
– so am I.

The Revd Charles Spurgeon departed for Heaven at 6.30am today.
– 10.45am. Not yet arrived. Getting anxious. Peter.

Soft Shoulders.
– warm thighs.
(Roadside sign)

– Frinton for the incontinent

It is forbidden to throw tantrums on the line.
(London tube station)

Vaseline makes the coming easy. And the going back.

Two nuns in a bath. One says, "where's the soap?" The other one says, "yes, it does, doesn't it."

I just exposed myself to two nuns. One fainted, the other had a stroke.

In a recent survey, 10% of men said they preferred women with fat legs, 10% preferred women with thin legs, and the other 80% said they preferred something in-between.

In recent tests, 138% of maths teachers scored below average.

You can divide the world into two sorts of people. Those who divide the world into two sorts of people...

For a good time, ring 123.

What's the difference between a barrow-boy and a dachshund?
One bawls out his wares, the other has blue eyes.

What's a man with a 12-inch prick have for breakfast?
Well, this morning I had coffee...

I've got a 12-inch prick, but I don't use it as a rule.

How did I get a 12-inch prick?
By folding it in half.

In the beginning was the word. And the word was Aardvark.

The early worm gets the bird.

Man is born free, but everywhere is in chains. Smash the cistern.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% mortality rate.

Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.

I'm pink, therefore I'm spam.

There was no way. Zen there was.

Genghis Kahn but Emmanuel Kant.

Your karma has run over my dogma.

How will I know if I'm enlightened?

This statement is false.

Tapeworms reach the parts that even Heineken cannot reach.

Dyslexics of the world untie!

What's DNA stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil-worshipper who sold his soul to santa?

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

The Eskimos are God's frozen people.

Many are cold, but few are frozen.

All men eat but Fu Manchu.

Beam me up where?

Is muffin the mule a criminal offence?

Perforation is a rip-off.

I believe in love at first site.

Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

Virginity is like a balloon. One prick and it's gone.

To all virgins – thanks for nothing.

I've just lost my virginity.
– let me help you look for it.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
– it will be one day though.

I like sadism, necrophilia and bestiality. Am I flogging a dead horse?

Heteros go homo.

Some girls shrink from sex. Others get bigger... and bigger...

Say it with flowers. Give her a Triffid.

Whither atrophy?

Procrastinate now!

But for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for us all.

Good job Dr. Spooner never knew about Friar Tuck and his cunning stunts.

What made Elizabeth Arden?
When Max Factor.

Was Handel a crank?

Quasimodo – now that name rings a bell.

Paul Daniels – now there's a name to conjure with.

Please do not touch me.
Please do not touch.
Please do not.
Please do.

I never used to be able to finish anything, but now I

Tolkein is Hobbit-forming.

To do is to be – Rousseau.
To be is to do – Sartre.
Doo-be-doo-be-doo – Sinatra.

Support Women's Lib. Make him sleep in the damp patch.

Women's Libbers should all be put behind bras.

The best things in life are duty-free.

Is the Regent's Park toilet a Zulu?

Stockhausen is terrible, especially if you tread in it.

(See driver for details)

Sex Appeal.
Please give generously.

Give peace a aarghh...

Uncle George died of asbestosis. It took us three months to cremate him.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

Free Access through field to footpath
– However, the bull charges.

Yesterday I couldn't even spell engineer.
Now I are one.

If 100 Essex girls were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.

Why do Essex girls wear C & A knickers?
So they know which way round to put them on.

Karl Marx's grave is just another communist plot.

Rugby is a game played by men with odd-shaped balls.

Why do fireman have bigger balls than policeman?
Because they sell more tickets.

Nerves of steel, heart of gold, and a knob of butter.

Abstinence is the thin end of the pledge.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

Don't let them cut hire education.

Dwelling-unit sweet dwelling-unit.

Last month's meeting of the Apathy Society has just been cancelled.

God is alive and well and working on a less ambitious project.

When God made man she was only practising.

Racist language should be blacked.

You don't buy beer, you only rent it.

I thought wanking was a Chinese city until I discovered Smirnoff.

Psychologists produce habits out of rats.

TS Eliot is an anagram of toilets.

Sex Discrimination Hotline – switchboard manned 24 hours.

Before I discovered women, I though love was just a pain in the arse.

This wall has been designated MS Bodl 20539 and will shortly be removed for rebinding.

Women like the simple things in life – like men.

Why are men like lavatories?
They're either vacant, engaged, or full of crap.

A women without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
– yeh, but who needs a stationary haddock?

It begins when you sink in his arms. And ends with your arms in his sink.

Men only put women on pedestals so they can look up their skirts.

Men who put women on pedestals rarely knock them off.

I haven't been inside a woman since I visited the Statue of Liberty.

The biggest drawback in the world – an elephant's foreskin.

Ignore this sign.

I've told you a hundred thousand times, stop exaggerating!

Skinheads have more hair than brains.

Archduke Franz Ferdinand found alive. First World War a mistake.

Cunnilingus is a real tongue-twister.

Cunnilingus is not an Irish airline.

Oral sex is a matter of taste.

If little girls are made of sugar and spice, why do they taste of tuna?

My girlfriend wears a black garter in memory of all those who've passed beyond.

Alas, poor Yorlik – I knew him backwards.

All coppers are bent.
– so that's why they get keep getting stuck in the slot.

If Typhoo put the T in Britain, who put the arse in Marseilles?

If Typhoo put the T in Britain, who put the cunt in Scunthrorpe?

I used to be a necrophiliac until some rotten cunt split on me.

What do you get if you cross a microchip with a vagina?
Some little cunt that knows it all.

My girlfriend used to kiss me on the lips. But now it's all over.

Women are like pianos – when they're not upright, they're grand.

Down with gravity!

Gravity is a myth. The earth sucks.

Marijuana has nevre dunn mi nya hram.

My mother made me a homosexual.
– if I get her the wool, will she make one for me too?

Nothing succeeds like a parrot.

Racial prejudice is just a pigment of the imagination.

Veni. Vidi. Vivi.

Vidi. Vici. Veni.

Vici. Veni. VD.

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The Senility Prayer

God, grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

My wild oats have turned into prunes and all bran.

I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded....

All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair.

If all is not lost, where is it.

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

Accidents in the back seat

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put then on my knees.

It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter.

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Lawyer Jokes

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.

Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage?
They threatened to release one every hour until their demands where met.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
They both look good hanging from a tree.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb . . .

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.

What did the lawyer name his daughter?

What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo-jet full of lawyers do?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
They're both extinct.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
It takes 300,000 of them to make one human being.

What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.
What happens to a lawyer who jumps out of a plane at 35,000 feet without a parachute?
Who cares?
What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
He gets taller.

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

What should you do if you find a lawyer buried up to his neck in cement?
Get more cement.

What type of apparel is the most popular with lawyers?

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dirt?
The bucket.

What's brown and looks really good on a lawyer?
A doberman.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
The pronunciation.

What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
You cry when you cut up an onion.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Removable wingtips.

What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.

What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Where can you find a good lawyer?
The nearest cemetery.

Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
To practice.

Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice.

Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
Cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
Another lawyer.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.

What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
His personality.

What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon?
He was disbarred.

What does a laywer get when you give him Viagra?

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.

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Quotes I Like

They lie about me
Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.
- - Yogi Berra

I am surprised at the way people seem to perceive me, and sometimes I read stories and hear things about me and I go "ugh." I wouldn't like her either. It's so unlike what I think I am or what my friends think I am.
- - Hillary Rodham Clinton

There was a lot of tabloid journalism about my supposed sex addiction. Bullshit. It's all bullshit. I mean, come on, I never pretended to be a saint. But give me a break.
- - Michael Douglas

Reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.
- - Mark Twain (Cable to the Associated Press on learning that his obituary had been published.)

They're mean to me
I'm not Jacko, I'm Jackson... 'Wacko Jacko' - Where did that come from? Some English tabloid. I have a heart and I have feelings. I feel that when you do that to me, it's not nice.
- - Michael Jackson

I'm not an Uncle Tom. . .. I'm going to be here for 40 years. For those who don't like it, get over it.
- - Clarence Thomas

People have been so busy relating to how I look, it's a miracle I didn't become a self-conscious blob of protoplasm.
- - Robert Redford

People say I'm extravagant because I want to be surrounded by beauty. But tell me, who wants to be surrounded by garbage?
- - Imelda Marcos

I can't get no respect.
- - Rodney Dangerfield

They have vilified me, they have crucified me, yes, they have even criticized me.
- - Richard J. Daley

Just because I have my standards, they think I'm a bitch.
- - Diana Ross

They're unfair to me
If I make a move, like raise my eyebrows, some critic says I'm doing Nicholson. What am I supposed to do, cut off my eyebrows?
- - Christian Slater

If I walked on water people would say I couldn't swim.
- - John Turner

The truth is, I've made about 30 movies in 30 years, and I've been criticized for 30 years for not making more movies.
- - Dustin Hoffman

If I would believe what I read about myself, I would hate my guts too.
- - Zsa Zsa Gabor

It's not easy to be as great as I am
Being a sex symbol is a heavy load to carry, especially when one is tired, hurt and bewildered.
- - Marilyn Monroe

Celebrity is a pretty stunning thing. At first I was like 'They love me! Oh, I love them, too.' And suddenly, I was tap-dancing on my pedestal and it was whack! Facedown in the dirt.
- - Sharon Stone, Oct. 14, 1994

It really isn't anybody's business how many people we have working for us. What's offensive is that I'm portrayed as this prima donna with these sycophants telling me how great I am all the time Yes, they do work for me, but we're working together for a higher good.
- - Demi Moore

There are, I think, three countries left in the world where I can go and I'm not as well-known as I am here. I'm a pretty big star, folks - I don't have to tell you. Superstar, I guess you could say.
- - Bruce Willis (1998)

It's not that easy bein' green.
- - Kermit the Frog

I've sold too many books to get good reviews anymore. There's a lot of jealousy, because [reviewers] think they can write a good novel or a best-seller and get frustrated when they can't. I've learned to despise them.
- - John Grisham, April 1, 1994

Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.
- - Bob Dylan

My only regret in the theater is that I could never sit out front and watch me.
- - John Barrymore

People hate me because I am a multifaceted, talented, wealthy, internationally famous genius.
- - Jerry Lewis

Sometimes I'm so sweet even I can't stand it.
- - Julie Andrews

My love life stinks
I've had diseases that lasted longer than my marriages.
- - Nell Carter

I tried phone sex - it gave me an ear infection.
- - Richard Lewis

If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.
- - Rodney Dangerfield

It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.
- - Joan Rivers

Sex is God's joke on human beings.
- - Bette Davis

The important thing in acting is to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. If I have to laugh, I think of my sex life.
- - Glenda Jackson

I've never yet met a man who could look after me. I don't need a husband. What I need is a wife.
- - -Joan Collins

If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have children" -- they leave skid marks.
- - -Rita Rudner

The last time I was in a woman I was visiting the Statue of Liberty.
- - Woody Allen

You can't stay married in a situation where you are afraid to go to sleep in case your wife might cut your throat.
- - Mike Tyson

It's not easy to be a woman
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
- - -Dolly Parton (about herself)

A man has to be Joe McCarthy to be called ruthless. All a woman has to do is put you on hold.
- - Marlo Thomas

There are only three ages for women in Hollywood--Babe, District Attorney, and Driving Miss Daisy.
- -Goldie Hawn

And being gay isn't so easy, either
I've always said that if anyone ever thought I was straight they must need glasses -- but when I finally came out and said, "Yes, I do sleep with men and I'm gay," yeah, I lost record sales. There's no question -- big, big time.
- - Boy George

I have a hard job
People don't think of writers as sex objects. The women who write to me and suggest that we ought to have sex usually turn out to be, like, eighty. And their letters always end with, "Just joking." "
- - Dave Barry

Just standing around looking beautiful is so boring, really boring, so boring.
- - Michelle Pfeiffer

Sure the body count in this movie bothers me, but what are you gonna do? It's what everybody likes. At least it's not an awful body count - it's a fun body count.
- - Bonnie Bedelia

On stage I make love to 25,000 people; then I go home alone.
- - Janis Joplin

People have this obsession. They want you to be like you were in 1969. They want you to, because otherwise their youth goes with you.
- - -Mick Jagger, 1993

I'll be dead by the time I'm forty.
- - -Rod Stewart

One thing about being successful is that I stopped being afraid of dying. Once you're a star you're dead already. You're embalmed.
- - Dustin Hoffman, 1984

The one thing I do not want to be called is First Lady. It sounds like a saddle horse.
- - Jacqueline Kennedy

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
- - Joan Rivers

The more you stay in this kind of job, the more you realize that a public figure, a major public figure, is a lonely man.
- - Richard M. Nixon

To become a celebrity is to become a brand name. There is Ivory Soap, Rice Krispies, and Philip Roth. Ivory is the soap that floats; Rice Krispies the breakfast cereal that goes snap-crackle-pop; Philip Roth the Jew who masturbates with a piece of liver.
- - Philip Roth, 1981

I hate my job
I'd rather be dead than singing "Satisfaction" when I'm forty-five.
- - Mick Jagger

Finishing second in the Olympics gets you silver. Finishing second in politics gets you oblivion.
- - Richard M. Nixon, 1988

It's a drag having to wear socks during matches, because the tan, like, stops at the ankles. I can never get my skin, like, color coordinated.
- - Monica Seles

Sometimes I feel like an old hooker.
- - Cher

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes- and six months later you have to start all over again.
- - Joan Rivers

Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you $50,000 for a kiss and 50 cents for your soul.
- - Marilyn Monroe

We've become so glorified in the movie-star system that it's become this artificial royalty. The truth is that we're circus clowns.
-- Nicolas Cage

My attitude about Hollywood is that I wouldn't walk across the street to pull one of those executives out of the snow if he was bleeding to death. Not unless I was paid for it. None of them ever did me any favors.
- - James Woods

I guess I've overindulged at times
They shoulda called me Little Cocaine, I was sniffing so much of the stuff! My nose got big enough to back a diesel truck in, unload it, and drive it right out again.
- - Little Richard

With every smell, I smell food. With every sight, I see food. I can almost hear food. I want to spade the whole lot through my mouth at Mach 2. Basta!
- - Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York (1997)

I was so drunk last night I fell down and missed the floor.
- - Dean Martin

I don't mind that I'm fat. You still get the same money.
- - -Marlon Brando, 1989

If I could live my life over again, there is one thing I would change. I would want to be able to eat less.
- - Luciano Pavarotti

One more drink and I'll be under the host.
- - Dorothy Parker

Life is tough
Everything I want is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
- - Alexander Woollcott

Health food may be good for the conscience but Oreos taste a hell of a lot better.
- - Robert Redford

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
- - Woody Allen

When I die, my epitaph should read: She Paid the Bills. That's the story of my private life.
- - Gloria Swanson

The worst part of success is to try to find someone who is happy for you.
- - Bette Midler

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
- - Andy Rooney

Life is not fair
I have a feeling that when my ship comes in I'll be at the airport.
- - Charles M. Schultz (Peanuts)

Every year back spring comes, with nasty little birds, yapping their fool heads off.
- - Dorothy Parker

People want you to be a crazy, out-of-control teen brat. They want you miserable, just like them. They don't want heroes; what they want is to see you fall.
- -Leonardo DiCaprio

Spring makes everything look filthy.
- - Katherine Whitehorn

If I had any decency, I'd be dead. Most of my friends are.
- - Dorothy Parker

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
- - Lily Tomlin

I had a dysfunctional family
We're an ideal political family, as accessible as Disneyland.
- - -Maureen Reagan

It was no great tragedy being Judy Garland's daughter. I had tremendously interesting childhood years--except they had little to do with being a child.
- - -Liza Minnelli

I wouldn't have turned out the way I was if I didn't have all those old-fashioned values to rebel against.
- - -Madonna (1992)

It really bothers me when I see people doing my mother in drag. I mean, just imagine if you saw people doing that with your mother.
- - Chastity Bono

My family was so poor the lady next door gave birth to me.
- - - Lee Trevino

My looks aren't that great
I guess I look like a rock quarry that someone has dynamited.
- - Charles Bronson

I have a face like the behind of an elephant.
- - Charles Laughton

I've actually gone to the zoo and had monkeys shout to me from their cages, "I'm in here when you're walking around like that?"
- - Robin Williams, about his body hair.

I have a face that is a cross between two pounds of halibut and an explosion in an old clothes closet.
- - David Niven

My face looks like a wedding cake left out in the rain.
- - W. H. Auden

I have eyes like those of a dead pig.
- - Marlon Brando

I'm not handsome in the classical sense. The eyes droop, the mouth is crooked, the teeth aren't straight, the voice sounds like a mafioso pallbearer.
- - Sylvester Stallone

I have everything I had twenty years ago - except now it's all lower.
- - -Gypsy Rose Lee

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.
- - Phyllis Diller

I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want- an adorable pancreas?
- - Jean Kerr

I've made sacrifices
I have sacrificed everything in my life that I consider precious in order to advance the political career of my husband.
- - Pat Nixon

Miscellaneous Complaints
Don't tell anyone. I'm supposed to be dumb.
- - Former supermodel Helena Christensen admits she can speak six languages

As far as I am concerned, being any gender is a drag.
- - Patti Smith

I'm very uncomfortable with the idea of vaginas. They bother me in the way that spiders bother some people.
- - Boy George

I get so tired listening to one million dollars here, one million dollars there, it's so petty.
- - Imelda Marcos

Moses dragged us through the desert to the one place in the Middle East where there is no oil.
- - Golda Meir

I was the first woman to burn my bra - it took the fire department four days to put it out.
- - Dolly Parton

Rock 'n Roll: The most brutal, ugly, desperate, vicious form of expression it has been my misfortune to hear.
- - Frank Sinatra

Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read.
--Frank Zappa

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
- - Phyllis Diller

And finally

Somebody's boring me I think it's me.
- - -Dylan Thomas

You won't have Nixon to kick around anymore, because, gentlemen, this is my last press conference.
- - Richard Nixon, 1962

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Blonde Jokes, Questions and Answers

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that was treated at the emergency room for a concussion and severe head wounds?
A: She tried to commit suicide by hanging herself with a bungee cord.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who almost caused a car wreck?
A: The spare tire in her trunk blew out.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?
A: It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed?
A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde whose boyfriend said he loved her?
A: She believed him.

Q: Did you hear about the new epidemic among blondes?
A: It's called MAIDS - if they don't get one, they die.

Q: Did you hear about the new form of birth control for blondes?
A: They take off their makeup.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A She gets the pop tart out of the toaster in one piece.

Q1: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's whiteout on the screen.
Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the whiteout.

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is wearing pantyhose?
A: When she farts, her knees bag.

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.

Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for French fries.

Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.

Q: How did the blonde die ice-fishing?
A: She was run over by the zambonis machine.

Q: How did the blonde get ready for Y2K?
A: She changed all her y's to k's.

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.

Q: How do blonde brain cells die?
A: Alone.

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: What will she ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)

Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

Q: How do you know if a blonde writes mysteries?
A: She has a check book.

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: How do you make blondes laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night !

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
A You shine a flashlight in her ear.

Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.

Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

Q: How does a blonde spell farm?
A: E-I-E-I-O

Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
A: And I thought blondes were dumb!

Q: How does a blonde "high-5"?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.

Q: How does the blonde car pool work?
A: They all meet at work at 7:45.

Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two: one to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer!

Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
A: One.

Q: If you drop a blonde and a brunette from 100 ft, which hits the ground first?
A: The brunette, because the blonde has to ask directions on the way down.

Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
A: Third grade.

Q: What can save a dying blonde?
A: Hair transplants.

Q: What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in her urine?
A: She peed on her corn flakes.

Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
A: She turned it over and used the other side.

Q: What did the blonde get on her IQ test?
A: Saliva.

Q: What did the blonde say about blonde jokes?
A: She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto Ricans.

Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
A "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A: "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"

Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A1: She didn't like it 'because she couldn't get channel 9.
A2: She didn't like it because she couldn't get MTV.

Q: What did the really dumb blonde say when someone blew in her bra?
A: Thanks for the refill.

Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air pockets.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.

Q: What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125?
A: A foursome.

Q: What do you call a blonde clutching at thin air?
A: A woman collecting her thoughts.

Q: What do you call a blonde in a black leather jacket?
A. A rebel without a clue!

Q: What do you call a blonde mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.

Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champ.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.

Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A space invader.

Q: Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee?
A: It's too hard to retrain them.
Q: What do you call a really smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: What do you call three blondes in a Volkswagen?

Q: What do you call an eternity?
A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Q: What do you call three blondes, sitting at a bar, singing, drinking Tab, and eating apples?
A: The moron Tab & apple choir.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like Hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A: I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do.

Q: What do you give the blonde who has everything?
A: Penicillin.

Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
A: "Space. The final frontier......"

Q: What does the postcard from a blonde's vacation say?
A: Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?
A: Her IQ goes up.

Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: What is the difference between a dead blonde in the road, and a dead skunk in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q: What is the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm "sooo" drunk!"
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.

Q: What's a blonde behind the wheel?
A: Airbag.
Q: What's 2 blondes in a car?
A: Dual Airbags.

Q: What's brown and red and black and blue?
A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping cart?
A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own.

Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
A: Lipstick.

Q: What's the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A You know they are out there but people have reported sighting UFO's

Q: What's the difference between Elvis and smart blondes?
A: Elvis has been sighted.

Q: Why are the Japanese so smart?
A: No blondes.

Q: Why are there so few blonde pharmacists?
A: They have a hard time getting the pill bottles into the typewriter!

Q: Why can't Blondes dial 911?
A: They can't find the 11 on the phone!

Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.

Q: Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs?
A: She needed them for the darkroom she was building.

Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q:Why did the blonde jump off the building?
A: She had just bought Always with wings.

Q: Why did the blonde keep putting quarters in the soda vending machine?
A: Because she thought she was winning.

Q: Why did the blonde take 16 friends to the movies?
A: Under 17 not admitted!

Q: Why did the blonde bake a chicken for 3 and a half days?
A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.

Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house.

Q: Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
A: Because she heard that one child out of every four born was Chinese.

Q: Why did the blonde secretary cut off her finger?
A: She wanted to write shorthand.

Q: Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet?
A: She thought it was diet coke.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.

Q: Why did the blonde take two hits of acid?
A: She wanted to go on a round trip.

Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!

Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.

Q: Why do blondes drive VW's?
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE.

Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.

Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.

Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A1: Because they don't know any better.
A2: They are easier to keep amused.
A3: Because they are easier to find in the dark.

Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.

Q: Why do blondes have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits go in front.
Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.

Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.

Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.

Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables.

Q: Why do blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears.

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: Why do men like blonde jokes?
A: Because they can understand them.

Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says on the box: "good for up to 20 pounds."

Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.

Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: They can't get their heads in the jar.

Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.

Q: Why was the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: She was throwing all the W's away.

Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?
A: She found out Big Ben is only a clock.


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Two Dwarfs

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again... ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection.

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!.."

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The Terrible Flood

A terrible flood hit a small town, sending the rescue units out. It just so happened that a devoutly religious woman lived in this town when the flood hit, and she sat down to wait for God to save her.

When the first rescue boat came in the worker called for her to come out but she just shook her head and said "Thank you, but my God will save me." Shaking his head the rescue worker moved on. The waters rose and she climbed to the second story of her home to wait for God.

A second boat came by and the worker called out "Listen lady we've got to get you out of here!" Once again she thanked him profusely and said "My God will save me."

The waters rose a third time forcing her to her roof. The water was just closing around her ankles when a third boat came by. "Lady, I'm the last boat out if you don't come now you're going to die." She just smiled "My God will save me" she said quietly. Frustrated the worker moved on.

The waters rose once again leaving her standing on her chimney. She heard a huge ruckus above her head and when she looked up she saw an emergency helicopter. "This is it lady, you have to come now or we won't be able to save you." Still she refused to go.

The waters rose a final time dragging her under and she was drowned. When she got to heaven, the Lord asked her if she had any questions, and in a timid voice she replied.

"You said if I followed you, you would always save me. Why didn't you save me from that flood?"
God looked at her in shocked disbelief and said:

"My child I sent three boats and a helicopter for you... What else did you want!"

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Old Jokes   34    35    36    37  38  39    40    41    42   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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