Friday 23rd August 2019 - 14:50:33 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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A Trouble Shared

With deep concern, Dick noted that his friend Conrad was far drunker than he'd ever seen him before. He walked over to the bar and asked, "What's the trouble, buddy?"

"It's a woman." replied Conrad. "What else?"

"Tell me about it," coaxed Dick.

"It's your wife."

"My wife? What about her?"

"Well, buddy boy, I'm afraid she's cheating on us."


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Jewish Divorce

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back! , and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."


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The Hired Hand

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties."

By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."


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Irish Humour

Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.

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Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

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The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.

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An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.


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Paddy has expired and at his wake...

The priest said "And no one will say his eulogy".

The priest becomes almost apoplectic. "Will no one say this man's eulogy? Will noone at least put forth the 'few appropriate words'"?

At last a neighbor stand up and goes to the podium, to say "His brother was worse"!

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Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.

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Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

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Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."

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Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.

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Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.

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Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.

"Quick!" He said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"

"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.

"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."

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"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"

"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"

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Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

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My mother wanted me to be a priest.
Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

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Paddy goes into superdrug & asks for KY jelly.
The assistant says, we haven't got any have you tried Boots?
Paddy says, I want to slide in, not march in!!

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Damaging Food

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. “The material we put into our stomachs are enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years, after eating it?

A 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and said, “Wedding Cake.”


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Johnny and his Train Set

A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son Johnny playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and Johnny yell “All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving”.

The mother went in and told Johnny, “we don’t use that kind of language in this house.” Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don’t want to hear any bad language.

Two hours later, Johnny comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard Johnny say, “All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one.

We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today”.

“For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”


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Graffitti

If this machine is out of order, please see the landlord.
– if it's in order, please see the barmaid.

This is the worst chewing-gum I've ever tasted.
– yes, but you can blow fantastic bubbles.

Buy me and stop one.

Buy two and be one jump ahead.

Buy 144 and be grossly oversexed.

Place £2 in slot, wait for coins to drop, pull handle out, push firmly back.
– if this is sex, it sounds extremely boring.

Cuts out oven doubt.

Approved to British Standard BS3704
– so was the Titanic!

My Dad says they don't work.

Someone, somewhere wants a letter from you.

New Shape! New Sensitivity!
– but the same old feeling.

Beware Limbo Dancers
(At bottom of cubicle door)

Beware Irish Limbo Dancer
((At top of cubicle door)

If you can reach this high you should be in the fire brigade.
(Above urinal)

Wet Paint.
This is not an instruction.
(Above urinal)

Please do not throw cigarette ends in the urinal.
– it makes them all soggy and hard to light.

Masturbation stunts the growth.
(Bottom of cubicle door) – now you tell me.

Thank God, a man at last!
(Underside of seat in Ladies)

Sociology degrees – please take one.
(Above toilet roll holder)

Mary – if you're reading this, we're through.
(In a Gents)

The future of the nation is in your hands.

Doesn't anything or anybody work in this place?
– yes me, I put up the Out of Order signs.

If you sprinkle while you tinkle,
Be a sweetie, lift the seatie.

Here I sit, broken-hearted -
Paid a penny and only farted.

I am a practising transvestite. Meet me here Sunday at 8pm.
– how will I recognise you?

Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the performance.

Beware! Jacques Cousteau filming.

Jaws III
Just when you thought it was save to back in the loo...

If you can read this, you're peeing all over your shoes.

Press button for a 60-second speech from Cecil Parkinson.
(On electric hand-dryer)

ADVANCE TOWELMASTER
– and be recognised.

Schizophrenia rules, OK, OK

Cowardice rules, if that's OK by you.

Queen Elizabeth rules, UK.

Potassium Ethoxide rules C2H5OK

Physics rules, -273C

Amnesia rules, O

Personal Hygiene rules, BO.

Anarchy, no rules, OK?

Hurlingham rules, crocquet.

Procrastination will rule one day, OK?

Rooner Spules, KO?

Nostalgia rules, hokey-cokey?

Proof-readers rule, 01

Apathy rul

The King of Siam rules Bangk,OK.

Pedants rule, OK. Or more precisely, exhibit certain of the conventional trappings of leadership.

Town criers rule – okez, okez, okez.

-- --- .-. ... . ._. ..- ._.. . ... --- -.- ..--..

French dockers rule, au quai?

James Bond rules, OOK?

Bureaucracy rules, OK
OK
OK

Agnostics may or may not rule, OK?

The Rubaiyat rules, OK?

Queensberry Rules, KO?

Slide Rules, OK?

My girlfriend wears black rubber and whips me. Ohhhh Kay!

British trees rule. Oak, eh?

Synonyms govern, all right.

Royce Rolls, KO?

Pavlov rules,

Jargon rules, ongoing agreement situation.

Dyslexics lure, KO.

Heisenberg probably rules, OK.

Anagrams or luke?

Roget's Thesaurus dominates, regulates, rules, OK, all right, adequately.

George Gershwin rules. "Oh, Kay"

Rogers and Hammerstein rule Ok.

OK sauce rules, HP.

Matadors rule, ole!

Pope Innocent is pious, OK?

Balliol boot boys rule, OK?

Free the ITV 7.

Free the Heinz 57.

Free the M62.

Free the VAT 69.

Free the Chiltern Hundreds.

Free the InterCity 125.

Free Collective Bargaining.
– He's innocent.

Free Deirdre Rachid!
– with every 5 gallons..

Deirdre Rachid is innos inocc guilty

Bill Stickers Will Be Prosecuted
– Bill Stickers is innocent!

Breakfast in London.
Lunch in New York.
– luggage in Bermuda.
(British Airways poster)

BRITISH RAIL ADVISE THAT THIS THOROUGHFARE IS NOT DEDICATED TO THE PUBLIC.
– neither is British Rail

WARNING. PASSENGERS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO CROSS THE LINES.
– it takes hours to untangle them.

Every day, 88 InterCity trains leave Birmingham.
– but only 5 get back.

THIS IS THE AGE OF THE TRAIN
– ours was 107

Burgers in Berkshire,
Wine in Wiltshire,
Coffee in Cornwall.
– sick in St Ives.
(BR catering poster)

75% OF BISHOPS TAKE THE TIMES.
– the other 25% pay for it.

The First Three Minutes of Life Can be the Most Dangerous.
– the last three are pretty dodgy, too.

TO MAVIS ENDERBY
AND OLD BOLINGBROKE ->
– the gift of a son.

HANDEL'S ORGAN WORKS.
– so does mine.

Do you have a Drink Problem?
– yes, I can't afford it.

Jesus Saves!
– with the Co-op bank.

Jesus Saves!
– but Bremner scores on the rebound.

Jesus Christ is Coming!
– only if he remembers to change at Darlington.

Jesus Lives!
– does this mean we won't get an Easter holiday?

GLORY TO GOD IN THE HIGH ST
(Defaced Church poster)

Are You Tired of Sin, and Longing for a Rest?
– if not, phone Bayswater 587364

Prayer Meeting 8pm. Refreshments provided afterwards.
– come to pray, stay to scoff.

Reading maketh a full man;
Conference a ready man;
And writing an exact man
- Bacon
– a fat man.

In 1066, near this spot, the Romans landed and were repelled by the men of Romney
– so am I.

The Revd Charles Spurgeon departed for Heaven at 6.30am today.
– 10.45am. Not yet arrived. Getting anxious. Peter.

Soft Shoulders.
– warm thighs.
(Roadside sign)

HARWICH FOR THE CONTINENT.
– Frinton for the incontinent

It is forbidden to throw tantrums on the line.
(London tube station)

Vaseline makes the coming easy. And the going back.

Two nuns in a bath. One says, "where's the soap?" The other one says, "yes, it does, doesn't it."

I just exposed myself to two nuns. One fainted, the other had a stroke.

In a recent survey, 10% of men said they preferred women with fat legs, 10% preferred women with thin legs, and the other 80% said they preferred something in-between.

In recent tests, 138% of maths teachers scored below average.

You can divide the world into two sorts of people. Those who divide the world into two sorts of people...

For a good time, ring 123.

What's the difference between a barrow-boy and a dachshund?
One bawls out his wares, the other has blue eyes.

What's a man with a 12-inch prick have for breakfast?
Well, this morning I had coffee...

I've got a 12-inch prick, but I don't use it as a rule.

How did I get a 12-inch prick?
By folding it in half.

In the beginning was the word. And the word was Aardvark.

The early worm gets the bird.

Man is born free, but everywhere is in chains. Smash the cistern.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% mortality rate.

Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.

I'm pink, therefore I'm spam.

There was no way. Zen there was.

Genghis Kahn but Emmanuel Kant.

Your karma has run over my dogma.

How will I know if I'm enlightened?

This statement is false.

Tapeworms reach the parts that even Heineken cannot reach.

Dyslexics of the world untie!

What's DNA stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil-worshipper who sold his soul to santa?

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

The Eskimos are God's frozen people.

Many are cold, but few are frozen.

All men eat but Fu Manchu.

Beam me up where?

Is muffin the mule a criminal offence?

Perforation is a rip-off.

I believe in love at first site.

Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

Virginity is like a balloon. One prick and it's gone.

To all virgins – thanks for nothing.

I've just lost my virginity.
– let me help you look for it.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
– it will be one day though.

I like sadism, necrophilia and bestiality. Am I flogging a dead horse?

Heteros go homo.

Some girls shrink from sex. Others get bigger... and bigger...

Say it with flowers. Give her a Triffid.

Whither atrophy?

Procrastinate now!

But for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for us all.

Good job Dr. Spooner never knew about Friar Tuck and his cunning stunts.

What made Elizabeth Arden?
When Max Factor.

Was Handel a crank?

Quasimodo – now that name rings a bell.

Paul Daniels – now there's a name to conjure with.

Please do not touch me.
Please do not touch.
Please do not.
Please do.
Please.
Ohhh!

I never used to be able to finish anything, but now I

Tolkein is Hobbit-forming.

To do is to be – Rousseau.
To be is to do – Sartre.
Doo-be-doo-be-doo – Sinatra.

Support Women's Lib. Make him sleep in the damp patch.

Women's Libbers should all be put behind bras.

The best things in life are duty-free.

Is the Regent's Park toilet a Zulu?

Stockhausen is terrible, especially if you tread in it.

MAKE LOVE NOT WAR!
(See driver for details)

Sex Appeal.
Please give generously.

Give peace a aarghh...

Uncle George died of asbestosis. It took us three months to cremate him.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

Free Access through field to footpath
– However, the bull charges.

Yesterday I couldn't even spell engineer.
Now I are one.

If 100 Essex girls were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.

Why do Essex girls wear C & A knickers?
So they know which way round to put them on.

Karl Marx's grave is just another communist plot.

Rugby is a game played by men with odd-shaped balls.

Why do fireman have bigger balls than policeman?
Because they sell more tickets.

Nerves of steel, heart of gold, and a knob of butter.

Abstinence is the thin end of the pledge.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

Don't let them cut hire education.

Dwelling-unit sweet dwelling-unit.

Last month's meeting of the Apathy Society has just been cancelled.

God is alive and well and working on a less ambitious project.

When God made man she was only practising.

Racist language should be blacked.

You don't buy beer, you only rent it.

I thought wanking was a Chinese city until I discovered Smirnoff.

Psychologists produce habits out of rats.

TS Eliot is an anagram of toilets.

Sex Discrimination Hotline – switchboard manned 24 hours.

Before I discovered women, I though love was just a pain in the arse.

This wall has been designated MS Bodl 20539 and will shortly be removed for rebinding.

Women like the simple things in life – like men.

Why are men like lavatories?
They're either vacant, engaged, or full of crap.

A women without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
– yeh, but who needs a stationary haddock?

It begins when you sink in his arms. And ends with your arms in his sink.

Men only put women on pedestals so they can look up their skirts.

Men who put women on pedestals rarely knock them off.

I haven't been inside a woman since I visited the Statue of Liberty.

The biggest drawback in the world – an elephant's foreskin.

Ignore this sign.

I've told you a hundred thousand times, stop exaggerating!

Skinheads have more hair than brains.

Archduke Franz Ferdinand found alive. First World War a mistake.

Cunnilingus is a real tongue-twister.

Cunnilingus is not an Irish airline.

Oral sex is a matter of taste.

If little girls are made of sugar and spice, why do they taste of tuna?

My girlfriend wears a black garter in memory of all those who've passed beyond.

Alas, poor Yorlik – I knew him backwards.

All coppers are bent.
– so that's why they get keep getting stuck in the slot.

If Typhoo put the T in Britain, who put the arse in Marseilles?

If Typhoo put the T in Britain, who put the cunt in Scunthrorpe?

I used to be a necrophiliac until some rotten cunt split on me.

What do you get if you cross a microchip with a vagina?
Some little cunt that knows it all.

My girlfriend used to kiss me on the lips. But now it's all over.

Women are like pianos – when they're not upright, they're grand.

Down with gravity!

Gravity is a myth. The earth sucks.

Marijuana has nevre dunn mi nya hram.

My mother made me a homosexual.
– if I get her the wool, will she make one for me too?

Nothing succeeds like a parrot.

Racial prejudice is just a pigment of the imagination.

Veni. Vidi. Vivi.

Vidi. Vici. Veni.

Vici. Veni. VD.

Pinched from: http://users.ox.ac.uk/~peter/humour/graffiti.html


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The Senility Prayer

God, grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.


My wild oats have turned into prunes and all bran.


I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.


Funny, I don't remember being absent minded....


All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair.


If all is not lost, where is it.


It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.


Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.


I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.


Kids in the back seat cause accidents.


Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.


It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.


Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.


If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put then on my knees.


It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.


The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.


These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter.

Pinched from: http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/hage3.html


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Lawyer Jokes

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.

Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage?
They threatened to release one every hour until their demands where met.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
They both look good hanging from a tree.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb . . .

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.

What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.

What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo-jet full of lawyers do?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
They're both extinct.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
It takes 300,000 of them to make one human being.

What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.

What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.
What happens to a lawyer who jumps out of a plane at 35,000 feet without a parachute?
Who cares?
What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
He gets taller.

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

What should you do if you find a lawyer buried up to his neck in cement?
Get more cement.

What type of apparel is the most popular with lawyers?
Law-suits.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dirt?
The bucket.

What's brown and looks really good on a lawyer?
A doberman.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
The pronunciation.

What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
You cry when you cut up an onion.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Removable wingtips.

What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.

What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Where can you find a good lawyer?
The nearest cemetery.

Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
To practice.

Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice.

Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
Cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
Another lawyer.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.

What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
His personality.

What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon?
He was disbarred.

What does a laywer get when you give him Viagra?
Taller

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.

=====================//==================
Pinched from: http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/jklaw.html


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Quotes I Like


They lie about me
Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.
- - Yogi Berra


I am surprised at the way people seem to perceive me, and sometimes I read stories and hear things about me and I go "ugh." I wouldn't like her either. It's so unlike what I think I am or what my friends think I am.
- - Hillary Rodham Clinton


There was a lot of tabloid journalism about my supposed sex addiction. Bullshit. It's all bullshit. I mean, come on, I never pretended to be a saint. But give me a break.
- - Michael Douglas


Reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.
- - Mark Twain (Cable to the Associated Press on learning that his obituary had been published.)


They're mean to me
I'm not Jacko, I'm Jackson... 'Wacko Jacko' - Where did that come from? Some English tabloid. I have a heart and I have feelings. I feel that when you do that to me, it's not nice.
- - Michael Jackson


I'm not an Uncle Tom. . .. I'm going to be here for 40 years. For those who don't like it, get over it.
- - Clarence Thomas


People have been so busy relating to how I look, it's a miracle I didn't become a self-conscious blob of protoplasm.
- - Robert Redford


People say I'm extravagant because I want to be surrounded by beauty. But tell me, who wants to be surrounded by garbage?
- - Imelda Marcos


I can't get no respect.
- - Rodney Dangerfield


They have vilified me, they have crucified me, yes, they have even criticized me.
- - Richard J. Daley


Just because I have my standards, they think I'm a bitch.
- - Diana Ross


They're unfair to me
If I make a move, like raise my eyebrows, some critic says I'm doing Nicholson. What am I supposed to do, cut off my eyebrows?
- - Christian Slater


If I walked on water people would say I couldn't swim.
- - John Turner


The truth is, I've made about 30 movies in 30 years, and I've been criticized for 30 years for not making more movies.
- - Dustin Hoffman


If I would believe what I read about myself, I would hate my guts too.
- - Zsa Zsa Gabor


It's not easy to be as great as I am
Being a sex symbol is a heavy load to carry, especially when one is tired, hurt and bewildered.
- - Marilyn Monroe


Celebrity is a pretty stunning thing. At first I was like 'They love me! Oh, I love them, too.' And suddenly, I was tap-dancing on my pedestal and it was whack! Facedown in the dirt.
- - Sharon Stone, Oct. 14, 1994


It really isn't anybody's business how many people we have working for us. What's offensive is that I'm portrayed as this prima donna with these sycophants telling me how great I am all the time Yes, they do work for me, but we're working together for a higher good.
- - Demi Moore


There are, I think, three countries left in the world where I can go and I'm not as well-known as I am here. I'm a pretty big star, folks - I don't have to tell you. Superstar, I guess you could say.
- - Bruce Willis (1998)


It's not that easy bein' green.
- - Kermit the Frog


I've sold too many books to get good reviews anymore. There's a lot of jealousy, because [reviewers] think they can write a good novel or a best-seller and get frustrated when they can't. I've learned to despise them.
- - John Grisham, April 1, 1994


Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.
- - Bob Dylan


My only regret in the theater is that I could never sit out front and watch me.
- - John Barrymore


People hate me because I am a multifaceted, talented, wealthy, internationally famous genius.
- - Jerry Lewis


Sometimes I'm so sweet even I can't stand it.
- - Julie Andrews


My love life stinks
I've had diseases that lasted longer than my marriages.
- - Nell Carter


I tried phone sex - it gave me an ear infection.
- - Richard Lewis


If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.
- - Rodney Dangerfield


It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.
- - Joan Rivers


Sex is God's joke on human beings.
- - Bette Davis


The important thing in acting is to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. If I have to laugh, I think of my sex life.
- - Glenda Jackson


I've never yet met a man who could look after me. I don't need a husband. What I need is a wife.
- - -Joan Collins


If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have children" -- they leave skid marks.
- - -Rita Rudner


The last time I was in a woman I was visiting the Statue of Liberty.
- - Woody Allen


You can't stay married in a situation where you are afraid to go to sleep in case your wife might cut your throat.
- - Mike Tyson


It's not easy to be a woman
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
- - -Dolly Parton (about herself)


A man has to be Joe McCarthy to be called ruthless. All a woman has to do is put you on hold.
- - Marlo Thomas


There are only three ages for women in Hollywood--Babe, District Attorney, and Driving Miss Daisy.
- -Goldie Hawn


And being gay isn't so easy, either
I've always said that if anyone ever thought I was straight they must need glasses -- but when I finally came out and said, "Yes, I do sleep with men and I'm gay," yeah, I lost record sales. There's no question -- big, big time.
- - Boy George


I have a hard job
People don't think of writers as sex objects. The women who write to me and suggest that we ought to have sex usually turn out to be, like, eighty. And their letters always end with, "Just joking." "
- - Dave Barry


Just standing around looking beautiful is so boring, really boring, so boring.
- - Michelle Pfeiffer


Sure the body count in this movie bothers me, but what are you gonna do? It's what everybody likes. At least it's not an awful body count - it's a fun body count.
- - Bonnie Bedelia


On stage I make love to 25,000 people; then I go home alone.
- - Janis Joplin


People have this obsession. They want you to be like you were in 1969. They want you to, because otherwise their youth goes with you.
- - -Mick Jagger, 1993


I'll be dead by the time I'm forty.
- - -Rod Stewart


One thing about being successful is that I stopped being afraid of dying. Once you're a star you're dead already. You're embalmed.
- - Dustin Hoffman, 1984


The one thing I do not want to be called is First Lady. It sounds like a saddle horse.
- - Jacqueline Kennedy


There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
- - Joan Rivers


The more you stay in this kind of job, the more you realize that a public figure, a major public figure, is a lonely man.
- - Richard M. Nixon


To become a celebrity is to become a brand name. There is Ivory Soap, Rice Krispies, and Philip Roth. Ivory is the soap that floats; Rice Krispies the breakfast cereal that goes snap-crackle-pop; Philip Roth the Jew who masturbates with a piece of liver.
- - Philip Roth, 1981


I hate my job
I'd rather be dead than singing "Satisfaction" when I'm forty-five.
- - Mick Jagger


Finishing second in the Olympics gets you silver. Finishing second in politics gets you oblivion.
- - Richard M. Nixon, 1988


It's a drag having to wear socks during matches, because the tan, like, stops at the ankles. I can never get my skin, like, color coordinated.
- - Monica Seles


Sometimes I feel like an old hooker.
- - Cher


I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes- and six months later you have to start all over again.
- - Joan Rivers


Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you $50,000 for a kiss and 50 cents for your soul.
- - Marilyn Monroe


We've become so glorified in the movie-star system that it's become this artificial royalty. The truth is that we're circus clowns.
-- Nicolas Cage


My attitude about Hollywood is that I wouldn't walk across the street to pull one of those executives out of the snow if he was bleeding to death. Not unless I was paid for it. None of them ever did me any favors.
- - James Woods


I guess I've overindulged at times
They shoulda called me Little Cocaine, I was sniffing so much of the stuff! My nose got big enough to back a diesel truck in, unload it, and drive it right out again.
- - Little Richard


With every smell, I smell food. With every sight, I see food. I can almost hear food. I want to spade the whole lot through my mouth at Mach 2. Basta!
- - Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York (1997)


I was so drunk last night I fell down and missed the floor.
- - Dean Martin


I don't mind that I'm fat. You still get the same money.
- - -Marlon Brando, 1989


If I could live my life over again, there is one thing I would change. I would want to be able to eat less.
- - Luciano Pavarotti


One more drink and I'll be under the host.
- - Dorothy Parker


Life is tough
Everything I want is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
- - Alexander Woollcott


Health food may be good for the conscience but Oreos taste a hell of a lot better.
- - Robert Redford


Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
- - Woody Allen


When I die, my epitaph should read: She Paid the Bills. That's the story of my private life.
- - Gloria Swanson


The worst part of success is to try to find someone who is happy for you.
- - Bette Midler


The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
- - Andy Rooney


Life is not fair
I have a feeling that when my ship comes in I'll be at the airport.
- - Charles M. Schultz (Peanuts)


Every year back spring comes, with nasty little birds, yapping their fool heads off.
- - Dorothy Parker


People want you to be a crazy, out-of-control teen brat. They want you miserable, just like them. They don't want heroes; what they want is to see you fall.
- -Leonardo DiCaprio


Spring makes everything look filthy.
- - Katherine Whitehorn

If I had any decency, I'd be dead. Most of my friends are.
- - Dorothy Parker


The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
- - Lily Tomlin


I had a dysfunctional family
We're an ideal political family, as accessible as Disneyland.
- - -Maureen Reagan


It was no great tragedy being Judy Garland's daughter. I had tremendously interesting childhood years--except they had little to do with being a child.
- - -Liza Minnelli


I wouldn't have turned out the way I was if I didn't have all those old-fashioned values to rebel against.
- - -Madonna (1992)


It really bothers me when I see people doing my mother in drag. I mean, just imagine if you saw people doing that with your mother.
- - Chastity Bono


My family was so poor the lady next door gave birth to me.
- - - Lee Trevino


My looks aren't that great
I guess I look like a rock quarry that someone has dynamited.
- - Charles Bronson


I have a face like the behind of an elephant.
- - Charles Laughton


I've actually gone to the zoo and had monkeys shout to me from their cages, "I'm in here when you're walking around like that?"
- - Robin Williams, about his body hair.


I have a face that is a cross between two pounds of halibut and an explosion in an old clothes closet.
- - David Niven


My face looks like a wedding cake left out in the rain.
- - W. H. Auden


I have eyes like those of a dead pig.
- - Marlon Brando


I'm not handsome in the classical sense. The eyes droop, the mouth is crooked, the teeth aren't straight, the voice sounds like a mafioso pallbearer.
- - Sylvester Stallone


I have everything I had twenty years ago - except now it's all lower.
- - -Gypsy Rose Lee

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.
- - Phyllis Diller


I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want- an adorable pancreas?
- - Jean Kerr


I've made sacrifices
I have sacrificed everything in my life that I consider precious in order to advance the political career of my husband.
- - Pat Nixon


Miscellaneous Complaints
Don't tell anyone. I'm supposed to be dumb.
- - Former supermodel Helena Christensen admits she can speak six languages


As far as I am concerned, being any gender is a drag.
- - Patti Smith


I'm very uncomfortable with the idea of vaginas. They bother me in the way that spiders bother some people.
- - Boy George


I get so tired listening to one million dollars here, one million dollars there, it's so petty.
- - Imelda Marcos


Moses dragged us through the desert to the one place in the Middle East where there is no oil.
- - Golda Meir


I was the first woman to burn my bra - it took the fire department four days to put it out.
- - Dolly Parton


Rock 'n Roll: The most brutal, ugly, desperate, vicious form of expression it has been my misfortune to hear.
- - Frank Sinatra


Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read.
--Frank Zappa


What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
- - Phyllis Diller


And finally

Somebody's boring me I think it's me.
- - -Dylan Thomas


You won't have Nixon to kick around anymore, because, gentlemen, this is my last press conference.
- - Richard Nixon, 1962




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