Wednesday 5th August 2020 - 02:32:40 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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The Stroke

While visiting his niece, an elderly man had what was apparently a stroke. The woman drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.

After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.

Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid that your uncle's brain is dead, but his
heart is still beating."

"Oh, dear," cried the woman, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock. "We've never had a Democrat in the family before!" laugh.gif

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Chubby Brown Quotes and Quotations from Roy

Man says to wife 'I had a wet dream about you last night, I dreamt you got run over by a bus and I pissed myself laughing'.

A woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust bigger. He said 'try rubbing toilet paper between your tits, it's worked for your arse'.

My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients,
it's a real shame cause he's a really good vet.

Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'For sale clitoris licking frog' She
goes in and the shopkeeper say's 'Bonjour madame'.

Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much, it scared the
s**t out of me. So today I decided I'm never reading again.

Little girl gets lost in Tesco's, security guard asks her 'what's your mum like?'
Little girl replies 'Big cocks and vodka'.

A couple in a cafe in Llangollen asks 'Can you settle an argument for us and
pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?' The waitress leaned over and said ........
'Burrr gurrr king'.

Boss has to lay off Ann or Jack. Ann walks into the office, boss say's 'I have a
problem, I have to lay you or Jack off.....'You better jack off, I've got a

Larry la Prise who wrote the hokey cokey has died aged 93. The worst part was
getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the trouble started.

Paul McCartney poem-: We lay upon the grassy bank, my hands were all a quiver, I slowly undid her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river.

Sorry I haven't been in touch, a friend was rushed to hospital to have a dangerous
mole removed from his penis...... he won't be shagging one of those again!

It's important to keep fit as you get older, my granny started walking 5 kilometres
a day when she was 60. Today she's 97 and we don't know where the hel_l she is!

Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel.... They say it's only for the Christmas period.

A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her pussy. Doc
say's 'that looks nasty'. She say's 'Nasty?, it's just the tip of the iceberg!

Two newly weds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite, the receptionist asks 'do you have reservations?' The bride answers 'Yes, I won't take it up the arse'!

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Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was lost on the beach and the cop helped me look for my parents I said, "Do you think we'll find them?" He said, "I don't know, kid, there's so many places they could hide."

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

I get no respect. This last week my tie was on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

I get no respect at all. I donated to a sperm bank. Now I'm the father of three puppies.

I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetary plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!"

I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes. And I tell ya I got no confidence in the pilot. When he makes a left turn he puts his hand out.

I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.

Hey , I don't get respect from anyone. Why, American Airlines, they thanked me for flying United.

I don't get no respect. I told my psychiatrist I got suicidal tendencies. He said from now on I have to pay in advance.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

I don't get no respect. I joined Gambler's Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don't make it.

I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking, I got an odor-eater.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. Well, I told him I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I don't get no respect at all from my dog. Well, he keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

I tell you, I can't take it no more. My dog found out we look alike, he killed himself.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, "I'm gonna run away from home." She said, "On your mark..."

When I was a kid I got no respect. My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

With my old man I got no respect. When he told me I should start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

When I was a kid I got no respect. Every week my old man took me to the zoo. I found out he was trying to make a trade.

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I asked my old man if I could go ice skating on the lake. He told me to wait till it gets warmer.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.
With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.

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A Trouble Shared

With deep concern, Dick noted that his friend Conrad was far drunker than he'd ever seen him before. He walked over to the bar and asked, "What's the trouble, buddy?"

"It's a woman." replied Conrad. "What else?"

"Tell me about it," coaxed Dick.

"It's your wife."

"My wife? What about her?"

"Well, buddy boy, I'm afraid she's cheating on us."

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Jewish Divorce

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back! , and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."

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The Hired Hand

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties."

By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

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Irish Humour

Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.

An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.

Paddy has expired and at his wake...

The priest said "And no one will say his eulogy".

The priest becomes almost apoplectic. "Will no one say this man's eulogy? Will noone at least put forth the 'few appropriate words'"?

At last a neighbor stand up and goes to the podium, to say "His brother was worse"!

Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."


Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.

Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.

Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.

"Quick!" He said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"

"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.

"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."

"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"

"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"

Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

My mother wanted me to be a priest.
Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

Paddy goes into superdrug & asks for KY jelly.
The assistant says, we haven't got any have you tried Boots?
Paddy says, I want to slide in, not march in!!


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Damaging Food

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. “The material we put into our stomachs are enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years, after eating it?

A 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and said, “Wedding Cake.”

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Johnny and his Train Set

A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son Johnny playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and Johnny yell “All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving”.

The mother went in and told Johnny, “we don’t use that kind of language in this house.” Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don’t want to hear any bad language.

Two hours later, Johnny comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard Johnny say, “All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one.

We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today”.

“For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”

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If this machine is out of order, please see the landlord.
– if it's in order, please see the barmaid.

This is the worst chewing-gum I've ever tasted.
– yes, but you can blow fantastic bubbles.

Buy me and stop one.

Buy two and be one jump ahead.

Buy 144 and be grossly oversexed.

Place £2 in slot, wait for coins to drop, pull handle out, push firmly back.
– if this is sex, it sounds extremely boring.

Cuts out oven doubt.

Approved to British Standard BS3704
– so was the Titanic!

My Dad says they don't work.

Someone, somewhere wants a letter from you.

New Shape! New Sensitivity!
– but the same old feeling.

Beware Limbo Dancers
(At bottom of cubicle door)

Beware Irish Limbo Dancer
((At top of cubicle door)

If you can reach this high you should be in the fire brigade.
(Above urinal)

Wet Paint.
This is not an instruction.
(Above urinal)

Please do not throw cigarette ends in the urinal.
– it makes them all soggy and hard to light.

Masturbation stunts the growth.
(Bottom of cubicle door) – now you tell me.

Thank God, a man at last!
(Underside of seat in Ladies)

Sociology degrees – please take one.
(Above toilet roll holder)

Mary – if you're reading this, we're through.
(In a Gents)

The future of the nation is in your hands.

Doesn't anything or anybody work in this place?
– yes me, I put up the Out of Order signs.

If you sprinkle while you tinkle,
Be a sweetie, lift the seatie.

Here I sit, broken-hearted -
Paid a penny and only farted.

I am a practising transvestite. Meet me here Sunday at 8pm.
– how will I recognise you?

Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the performance.

Beware! Jacques Cousteau filming.

Jaws III
Just when you thought it was save to back in the loo...

If you can read this, you're peeing all over your shoes.

Press button for a 60-second speech from Cecil Parkinson.
(On electric hand-dryer)

– and be recognised.

Schizophrenia rules, OK, OK

Cowardice rules, if that's OK by you.

Queen Elizabeth rules, UK.

Potassium Ethoxide rules C2H5OK

Physics rules, -273C

Amnesia rules, O

Personal Hygiene rules, BO.

Anarchy, no rules, OK?

Hurlingham rules, crocquet.

Procrastination will rule one day, OK?

Rooner Spules, KO?

Nostalgia rules, hokey-cokey?

Proof-readers rule, 01

Apathy rul

The King of Siam rules Bangk,OK.

Pedants rule, OK. Or more precisely, exhibit certain of the conventional trappings of leadership.

Town criers rule – okez, okez, okez.

-- --- .-. ... . ._. ..- ._.. . ... --- -.- ..--..

French dockers rule, au quai?

James Bond rules, OOK?

Bureaucracy rules, OK

Agnostics may or may not rule, OK?

The Rubaiyat rules, OK?

Queensberry Rules, KO?

Slide Rules, OK?

My girlfriend wears black rubber and whips me. Ohhhh Kay!

British trees rule. Oak, eh?

Synonyms govern, all right.

Royce Rolls, KO?

Pavlov rules,

Jargon rules, ongoing agreement situation.

Dyslexics lure, KO.

Heisenberg probably rules, OK.

Anagrams or luke?

Roget's Thesaurus dominates, regulates, rules, OK, all right, adequately.

George Gershwin rules. "Oh, Kay"

Rogers and Hammerstein rule Ok.

OK sauce rules, HP.

Matadors rule, ole!

Pope Innocent is pious, OK?

Balliol boot boys rule, OK?

Free the ITV 7.

Free the Heinz 57.

Free the M62.

Free the VAT 69.

Free the Chiltern Hundreds.

Free the InterCity 125.

Free Collective Bargaining.
– He's innocent.

Free Deirdre Rachid!
– with every 5 gallons..

Deirdre Rachid is innos inocc guilty

Bill Stickers Will Be Prosecuted
– Bill Stickers is innocent!

Breakfast in London.
Lunch in New York.
– luggage in Bermuda.
(British Airways poster)

– neither is British Rail

– it takes hours to untangle them.

Every day, 88 InterCity trains leave Birmingham.
– but only 5 get back.

– ours was 107

Burgers in Berkshire,
Wine in Wiltshire,
Coffee in Cornwall.
– sick in St Ives.
(BR catering poster)

– the other 25% pay for it.

The First Three Minutes of Life Can be the Most Dangerous.
– the last three are pretty dodgy, too.

– the gift of a son.

– so does mine.

Do you have a Drink Problem?
– yes, I can't afford it.

Jesus Saves!
– with the Co-op bank.

Jesus Saves!
– but Bremner scores on the rebound.

Jesus Christ is Coming!
– only if he remembers to change at Darlington.

Jesus Lives!
– does this mean we won't get an Easter holiday?

(Defaced Church poster)

Are You Tired of Sin, and Longing for a Rest?
– if not, phone Bayswater 587364

Prayer Meeting 8pm. Refreshments provided afterwards.
– come to pray, stay to scoff.

Reading maketh a full man;
Conference a ready man;
And writing an exact man
- Bacon
– a fat man.

In 1066, near this spot, the Romans landed and were repelled by the men of Romney
– so am I.

The Revd Charles Spurgeon departed for Heaven at 6.30am today.
– 10.45am. Not yet arrived. Getting anxious. Peter.

Soft Shoulders.
– warm thighs.
(Roadside sign)

– Frinton for the incontinent

It is forbidden to throw tantrums on the line.
(London tube station)

Vaseline makes the coming easy. And the going back.

Two nuns in a bath. One says, "where's the soap?" The other one says, "yes, it does, doesn't it."

I just exposed myself to two nuns. One fainted, the other had a stroke.

In a recent survey, 10% of men said they preferred women with fat legs, 10% preferred women with thin legs, and the other 80% said they preferred something in-between.

In recent tests, 138% of maths teachers scored below average.

You can divide the world into two sorts of people. Those who divide the world into two sorts of people...

For a good time, ring 123.

What's the difference between a barrow-boy and a dachshund?
One bawls out his wares, the other has blue eyes.

What's a man with a 12-inch prick have for breakfast?
Well, this morning I had coffee...

I've got a 12-inch prick, but I don't use it as a rule.

How did I get a 12-inch prick?
By folding it in half.

In the beginning was the word. And the word was Aardvark.

The early worm gets the bird.

Man is born free, but everywhere is in chains. Smash the cistern.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% mortality rate.

Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.

I'm pink, therefore I'm spam.

There was no way. Zen there was.

Genghis Kahn but Emmanuel Kant.

Your karma has run over my dogma.

How will I know if I'm enlightened?

This statement is false.

Tapeworms reach the parts that even Heineken cannot reach.

Dyslexics of the world untie!

What's DNA stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil-worshipper who sold his soul to santa?

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

The Eskimos are God's frozen people.

Many are cold, but few are frozen.

All men eat but Fu Manchu.

Beam me up where?

Is muffin the mule a criminal offence?

Perforation is a rip-off.

I believe in love at first site.

Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

Virginity is like a balloon. One prick and it's gone.

To all virgins – thanks for nothing.

I've just lost my virginity.
– let me help you look for it.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
– it will be one day though.

I like sadism, necrophilia and bestiality. Am I flogging a dead horse?

Heteros go homo.

Some girls shrink from sex. Others get bigger... and bigger...

Say it with flowers. Give her a Triffid.

Whither atrophy?

Procrastinate now!

But for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for us all.

Good job Dr. Spooner never knew about Friar Tuck and his cunning stunts.

What made Elizabeth Arden?
When Max Factor.

Was Handel a crank?

Quasimodo – now that name rings a bell.

Paul Daniels – now there's a name to conjure with.

Please do not touch me.
Please do not touch.
Please do not.
Please do.

I never used to be able to finish anything, but now I

Tolkein is Hobbit-forming.

To do is to be – Rousseau.
To be is to do – Sartre.
Doo-be-doo-be-doo – Sinatra.

Support Women's Lib. Make him sleep in the damp patch.

Women's Libbers should all be put behind bras.

The best things in life are duty-free.

Is the Regent's Park toilet a Zulu?

Stockhausen is terrible, especially if you tread in it.

(See driver for details)

Sex Appeal.
Please give generously.

Give peace a aarghh...

Uncle George died of asbestosis. It took us three months to cremate him.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

Free Access through field to footpath
– However, the bull charges.

Yesterday I couldn't even spell engineer.
Now I are one.

If 100 Essex girls were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.

Why do Essex girls wear C & A knickers?
So they know which way round to put them on.

Karl Marx's grave is just another communist plot.

Rugby is a game played by men with odd-shaped balls.

Why do fireman have bigger balls than policeman?
Because they sell more tickets.

Nerves of steel, heart of gold, and a knob of butter.

Abstinence is the thin end of the pledge.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

Don't let them cut hire education.

Dwelling-unit sweet dwelling-unit.

Last month's meeting of the Apathy Society has just been cancelled.

God is alive and well and working on a less ambitious project.

When God made man she was only practising.

Racist language should be blacked.

You don't buy beer, you only rent it.

I thought wanking was a Chinese city until I discovered Smirnoff.

Psychologists produce habits out of rats.

TS Eliot is an anagram of toilets.

Sex Discrimination Hotline – switchboard manned 24 hours.

Before I discovered women, I though love was just a pain in the arse.

This wall has been designated MS Bodl 20539 and will shortly be removed for rebinding.

Women like the simple things in life – like men.

Why are men like lavatories?
They're either vacant, engaged, or full of crap.

A women without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
– yeh, but who needs a stationary haddock?

It begins when you sink in his arms. And ends with your arms in his sink.

Men only put women on pedestals so they can look up their skirts.

Men who put women on pedestals rarely knock them off.

I haven't been inside a woman since I visited the Statue of Liberty.

The biggest drawback in the world – an elephant's foreskin.

Ignore this sign.

I've told you a hundred thousand times, stop exaggerating!

Skinheads have more hair than brains.

Archduke Franz Ferdinand found alive. First World War a mistake.

Cunnilingus is a real tongue-twister.

Cunnilingus is not an Irish airline.

Oral sex is a matter of taste.

If little girls are made of sugar and spice, why do they taste of tuna?

My girlfriend wears a black garter in memory of all those who've passed beyond.

Alas, poor Yorlik – I knew him backwards.

All coppers are bent.
– so that's why they get keep getting stuck in the slot.

If Typhoo put the T in Britain, who put the arse in Marseilles?

If Typhoo put the T in Britain, who put the cunt in Scunthrorpe?

I used to be a necrophiliac until some rotten cunt split on me.

What do you get if you cross a microchip with a vagina?
Some little cunt that knows it all.

My girlfriend used to kiss me on the lips. But now it's all over.

Women are like pianos – when they're not upright, they're grand.

Down with gravity!

Gravity is a myth. The earth sucks.

Marijuana has nevre dunn mi nya hram.

My mother made me a homosexual.
– if I get her the wool, will she make one for me too?

Nothing succeeds like a parrot.

Racial prejudice is just a pigment of the imagination.

Veni. Vidi. Vivi.

Vidi. Vici. Veni.

Vici. Veni. VD.

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Old Jokes   34    35    36    37  38  39    40    41    42   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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