Tuesday 16th October 2018 - 01:46:17 

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Lost the Bet

A little girl was leading her dog through the park when an old man stopped her, saying, "That's sure a pretty dress you're wearing."

The little girl smiled, "Thank you, Sir. My mama bought it for me.
This is my dog Porky."

The old man chuckled, "I'll bet a nickel I can guess why you called him that."

She shook her head, "I'll bet you can't."

He laughed, "You called him Porky because he's so fat."

She shook her head. "No Sir, we call him that because he screws pigs."


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The Blind Pilots

Passengers on a small plane are waiting for the flight to leave.

They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off.

The entrance opens, two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one blind pilot turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."


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Christopher Columbus's First Words

We know Columbus believed the world was round when others believed it was flat. And, of course, we know that he landed in the Americas in 1492. What we have not known, until recently, were his first words on returning to Spain. However, scholars have recently discovered documents that throw light on the subject. According to one, Columbus' first words on stepping ashore were,

"I'll bet I'm the first man who ever got 8,000 miles on a galleon!"




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The Stroke

While visiting his niece, an elderly man had what was apparently a stroke. The woman drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.

After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.

Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid that your uncle's brain is dead, but his
heart is still beating."

"Oh, dear," cried the woman, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock. "We've never had a Democrat in the family before!" laugh.gif


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Chubby Brown Quotes and Quotations from Roy

Man says to wife 'I had a wet dream about you last night, I dreamt you got run over by a bus and I pissed myself laughing'.

A woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust bigger. He said 'try rubbing toilet paper between your tits, it's worked for your arse'.

My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients,
it's a real shame cause he's a really good vet.

Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'For sale clitoris licking frog' She
goes in and the shopkeeper say's 'Bonjour madame'.

Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much, it scared the
s**t out of me. So today I decided I'm never reading again.

Little girl gets lost in Tesco's, security guard asks her 'what's your mum like?'
Little girl replies 'Big cocks and vodka'.

A couple in a cafe in Llangollen asks 'Can you settle an argument for us and
pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?' The waitress leaned over and said ........
'Burrr gurrr king'.

Boss has to lay off Ann or Jack. Ann walks into the office, boss say's 'I have a
problem, I have to lay you or Jack off.....'You better jack off, I've got a
headache'.

Larry la Prise who wrote the hokey cokey has died aged 93. The worst part was
getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the trouble started.

Paul McCartney poem-: We lay upon the grassy bank, my hands were all a quiver, I slowly undid her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river.

Sorry I haven't been in touch, a friend was rushed to hospital to have a dangerous
mole removed from his penis...... he won't be shagging one of those again!

It's important to keep fit as you get older, my granny started walking 5 kilometres
a day when she was 60. Today she's 97 and we don't know where the hel_l she is!

Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel.... They say it's only for the Christmas period.

A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her pussy. Doc
say's 'that looks nasty'. She say's 'Nasty?, it's just the tip of the iceberg!

Two newly weds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite, the receptionist asks 'do you have reservations?' The bride answers 'Yes, I won't take it up the arse'!


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Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was lost on the beach and the cop helped me look for my parents I said, "Do you think we'll find them?" He said, "I don't know, kid, there's so many places they could hide."

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

I get no respect. This last week my tie was on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

I get no respect at all. I donated to a sperm bank. Now I'm the father of three puppies.

I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetary plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!"

I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes. And I tell ya I got no confidence in the pilot. When he makes a left turn he puts his hand out.

I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.

Hey , I don't get respect from anyone. Why, American Airlines, they thanked me for flying United.

I don't get no respect. I told my psychiatrist I got suicidal tendencies. He said from now on I have to pay in advance.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

I don't get no respect. I joined Gambler's Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don't make it.

I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking, I got an odor-eater.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. Well, I told him I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I don't get no respect at all from my dog. Well, he keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

I tell you, I can't take it no more. My dog found out we look alike, he killed himself.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, "I'm gonna run away from home." She said, "On your mark..."

When I was a kid I got no respect. My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

With my old man I got no respect. When he told me I should start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

When I was a kid I got no respect. Every week my old man took me to the zoo. I found out he was trying to make a trade.

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I asked my old man if I could go ice skating on the lake. He told me to wait till it gets warmer.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.
With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.

http://www.rodney.com/rodney/home/home.asp


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A Trouble Shared

With deep concern, Dick noted that his friend Conrad was far drunker than he'd ever seen him before. He walked over to the bar and asked, "What's the trouble, buddy?"

"It's a woman." replied Conrad. "What else?"

"Tell me about it," coaxed Dick.

"It's your wife."

"My wife? What about her?"

"Well, buddy boy, I'm afraid she's cheating on us."


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Jewish Divorce

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back! , and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."


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The Hired Hand

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties."

By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."


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Irish Humour

Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.

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Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

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The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.

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An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.


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Paddy has expired and at his wake...

The priest said "And no one will say his eulogy".

The priest becomes almost apoplectic. "Will no one say this man's eulogy? Will noone at least put forth the 'few appropriate words'"?

At last a neighbor stand up and goes to the podium, to say "His brother was worse"!

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Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.

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Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

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Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."

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Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.

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Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.

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Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.

"Quick!" He said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"

"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.

"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."

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"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"

"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"

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Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

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My mother wanted me to be a priest.
Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

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Paddy goes into superdrug & asks for KY jelly.
The assistant says, we haven't got any have you tried Boots?
Paddy says, I want to slide in, not march in!!

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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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