Wednesday 15th July 2020 - 13:18:25 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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Smart Kid

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.


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Pommie in the Crapper

In the north of Australia is a place called Queensland which is very hot, humid and the pubs are rough.

Anyway, this posh pommie bloke is traveling through Queensland in the middle of summer by bicycle and is caught in a huge tropical storm. He sees a sign which says there is a pub 18 miles up the road. So he rides his bike to the pub and when he finally gets there his appearance resembles that of a drowned rat.

Anyway, the locals hardly even look up from their beers as he walks in, dripping wet, and heads up to the bar and orders a scotch on ice. The barman gives him the worst scotch he has ever tasted but the pommie drinks it down and asks the barman where the dunny (toilet) is. The barman tells him it is outside.

So the pommie trudges outside into the rain and all he can see in the rain is two big piles of turds, one much bigger than the other. So the pommie walks over to the smaller pile, relieved that someone had the sense to start a new pile since the larger one was clearly unmanageable.

He has his pants around his ankles and is in the process of relieving himself when a gunshot rings out and a bullet smacks into the heap just beside his head.

Well the poor pommie turns around, in a somewhat vulnerable position, and sees this huge Aussie guy standing at the door of the pub with his still smoking gun in his hand.

"What..What is going on?" Stammers the poor pommie.

The huge Aussie responds "Get the hel_l out of the Laidies you dirty bastard."


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Driving

Johnny was taking his new girlfriend for a drive in his new Proton Savvy from KL to Ipoh. When he picked her up he noticed she was wearing a really sexy mini-skirt that showed off her silky smooth legs. Johnny had never seen such lovely legs before and it made him hot and horny.

As they were driving north he couldn’t stop think about her legs and building up the courage he slowly put out his hand and gently began to caress her thighs. Looking at him with a knowing smile, she cooed “you can go further if you want....”

So he drove to Penang.




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Lost the Bet

A little girl was leading her dog through the park when an old man stopped her, saying, "That's sure a pretty dress you're wearing."

The little girl smiled, "Thank you, Sir. My mama bought it for me.
This is my dog Porky."

The old man chuckled, "I'll bet a nickel I can guess why you called him that."

She shook her head, "I'll bet you can't."

He laughed, "You called him Porky because he's so fat."

She shook her head. "No Sir, we call him that because he screws pigs."


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The Blind Pilots

Passengers on a small plane are waiting for the flight to leave.

They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off.

The entrance opens, two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one blind pilot turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."


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Christopher Columbus's First Words

We know Columbus believed the world was round when others believed it was flat. And, of course, we know that he landed in the Americas in 1492. What we have not known, until recently, were his first words on returning to Spain. However, scholars have recently discovered documents that throw light on the subject. According to one, Columbus' first words on stepping ashore were,

"I'll bet I'm the first man who ever got 8,000 miles on a galleon!"




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The Stroke

While visiting his niece, an elderly man had what was apparently a stroke. The woman drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.

After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.

Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid that your uncle's brain is dead, but his
heart is still beating."

"Oh, dear," cried the woman, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock. "We've never had a Democrat in the family before!" laugh.gif


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Chubby Brown Quotes and Quotations from Roy

Man says to wife 'I had a wet dream about you last night, I dreamt you got run over by a bus and I pissed myself laughing'.

A woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust bigger. He said 'try rubbing toilet paper between your tits, it's worked for your arse'.

My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients,
it's a real shame cause he's a really good vet.

Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'For sale clitoris licking frog' She
goes in and the shopkeeper say's 'Bonjour madame'.

Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much, it scared the
s**t out of me. So today I decided I'm never reading again.

Little girl gets lost in Tesco's, security guard asks her 'what's your mum like?'
Little girl replies 'Big cocks and vodka'.

A couple in a cafe in Llangollen asks 'Can you settle an argument for us and
pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?' The waitress leaned over and said ........
'Burrr gurrr king'.

Boss has to lay off Ann or Jack. Ann walks into the office, boss say's 'I have a
problem, I have to lay you or Jack off.....'You better jack off, I've got a
headache'.

Larry la Prise who wrote the hokey cokey has died aged 93. The worst part was
getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the trouble started.

Paul McCartney poem-: We lay upon the grassy bank, my hands were all a quiver, I slowly undid her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river.

Sorry I haven't been in touch, a friend was rushed to hospital to have a dangerous
mole removed from his penis...... he won't be shagging one of those again!

It's important to keep fit as you get older, my granny started walking 5 kilometres
a day when she was 60. Today she's 97 and we don't know where the hel_l she is!

Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel.... They say it's only for the Christmas period.

A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her pussy. Doc
say's 'that looks nasty'. She say's 'Nasty?, it's just the tip of the iceberg!

Two newly weds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite, the receptionist asks 'do you have reservations?' The bride answers 'Yes, I won't take it up the arse'!


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Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was lost on the beach and the cop helped me look for my parents I said, "Do you think we'll find them?" He said, "I don't know, kid, there's so many places they could hide."

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

I get no respect. This last week my tie was on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

I get no respect at all. I donated to a sperm bank. Now I'm the father of three puppies.

I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetary plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!"

I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes. And I tell ya I got no confidence in the pilot. When he makes a left turn he puts his hand out.

I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.

Hey , I don't get respect from anyone. Why, American Airlines, they thanked me for flying United.

I don't get no respect. I told my psychiatrist I got suicidal tendencies. He said from now on I have to pay in advance.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

I don't get no respect. I joined Gambler's Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don't make it.

I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking, I got an odor-eater.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. Well, I told him I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I don't get no respect at all from my dog. Well, he keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

I tell you, I can't take it no more. My dog found out we look alike, he killed himself.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, "I'm gonna run away from home." She said, "On your mark..."

When I was a kid I got no respect. My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

With my old man I got no respect. When he told me I should start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

When I was a kid I got no respect. Every week my old man took me to the zoo. I found out he was trying to make a trade.

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I asked my old man if I could go ice skating on the lake. He told me to wait till it gets warmer.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.
With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.

http://www.rodney.com/rodney/home/home.asp


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A Trouble Shared

With deep concern, Dick noted that his friend Conrad was far drunker than he'd ever seen him before. He walked over to the bar and asked, "What's the trouble, buddy?"

"It's a woman." replied Conrad. "What else?"

"Tell me about it," coaxed Dick.

"It's your wife."

"My wife? What about her?"

"Well, buddy boy, I'm afraid she's cheating on us."


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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