Sunday 8th December 2019 - 17:42:57 

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Curtain Rods.... a Happy Ending

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the removalists come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a kilo of prawns, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten prawn shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rats, and carpets were steam-cleaned..

Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit...

The maid quit...

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house.

She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and she would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.......including the curtain rods.

MORAL OF THE STORY :
FEAR THE REVENGE OF A WOMAN


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Free Beer

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"


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Three Comedians

Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. They’ve heard one another’s material so much, they’ve reached the point where they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other – they just need to refer to each joke by a number.

"Number 37!" cracks the first comic, and the others break up.

"Number 53!" says the second guy, and they howl.

Finally, it’s the third comic’s turn. "44!" he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets. "What?" he asks, "Isn’t 44 funny?"

"Sure, it’s usually hilarious," they answer. "But the way you tell it…"

============================//========================

One of the comedians is sitting at the bar of a comedy club late one night when a beautiuful woman comes up to him and says "I saw you perform tonight, and you’re the funniest guy I’ve ever seen. I want to take you home and give you the hottest night of sex you’re ever had."

The comedian looks at her and says, "Did you see the first show or the second show?"


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The Scot Watching his First American Baseball Game

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run!

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!

A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!

The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up
yelling R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!

All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused.

A friendly fan, sensing his embarassment whisper, He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls.

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, Walk with pr-r-ride man!


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Paddy and Murphy Went to London

After walking in the city centre for few minutes, Paddy turns to Murphy with a look of amazement on his face and says: "Murphy, will you have a look at that shop over there. I thought that London was supposed to be expensive but that shop is as cheap as chips, so it is."

Murphy says: "Paddy you're right so you are, will you have a look at that. Suits £5, Shirts £2 and Trousers £2. I think that we should buy a job lot and take them back to Ireland. We would make a tidy profit selling them in Dublin so we would."

Paddy says in agreement: "Murphy that is as good an idea as you'll ever have, but I'm pretty sure that you have to pay taxes and duty on things like that. The shopkeeper will never let us have them if he thinks that we're gonna export them and make our fortune, so he won't."

Murphy thinks and says: "Paddy, I've got idea! You can do the best English accent out of the pair of us. You go in there and do the talking and I'll just stand behind you and say nothing. He'll never guess we're Irish so he won't."

"OK Murphy", agrees Paddy, "I'll do the talking, you just stand there and look English."

So the two visitors to our illustrious capital city go into the shop where Paddy is greeted politely by the owner. Paddy then proceeds to do his best Phil Mitchell impression; "Awwwight Guvnor, I'll 'ave 20 of yer Whistle 'n Flutes, 20 Dickie Dirts and 20 pairs of strides. And if yer don't mind I'll be paying with the 380 Pictures of the Queen from my Sky Rocket."

Upon hearing this request from Paddy, the owner smiles, takes a look at Murphy as well then asks Paddy "You're Irish aren't you?"

Quite bemused, Paddy replies, "Oh be'Jesus. Mary mother of Christ, if that isn't my best English accent. How in God's name did you know that we were Irish?"

The Owner replies ..... "cos this is a Dry Cleaners"


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A New Cure for Worms

A fellow walked into his doctor's office complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis.

"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring a banana and a cookie with you." said the doctor.

Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complied and returned the next day with a banana and a cookie.

The doctor then said, "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit."

Although stunned by the turn of events, the patient dropped his pants and bent over. The doctor peeled the banana and with one deft motion rammed it up the guy's ass. While the doctor consulted his watch, our hero danced around the room shouting at the doctor.

"Okay, one minute is up and we have to complete the second part of the treatment if you truly want to get rid of this tapeworm." advised the doctor.

Despite the pain, the patient did want to be cured and so complied with the order to bend over again. Again, the doctor took the cookie and rammed it up the patient's ass.

"Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and bring another banana and a cookie." said the doctor. The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nodded his head.

The next day, the same routine ensued. First the doctor rammed up a banana, waited exactly one minute, then rammed up the cookie. And the next day, and the next day and the next...
Every day up went a banana, waited one minute, then up went the cookie.

After one full week of treatment, the doctor finally said,
"Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of treatment. I want you to bring in a banana and a hammer."

"Not a cookie?" asked the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what a hammer was going to feel like.

"Nope, a hammer." confirmed the doctor.

On the last day, the doctor said, "Okay, you know the routine". So the man dropped his pants and bent over. UP went the banana, and the doctor looked at his watch and picked up the hammer.
One minute passed. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes passed.

Finally, the worm's little head poked out of the patient's ass.

"WHERE'S MY COOKIE???"

**WHAM**


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Password!!

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password... Something he will use to log on.


The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in



P...



E...



N...



I



S.



His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:



***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***









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Ear Ear

A young man moved into a new apartment by himself, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman, and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,

"Let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming".

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature"?

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It’s got to be your ears".

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts, they are full and 100% natural, I work out every day, my butt is firm and solid, look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears"?

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming?




That was me".


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Distressed Widow from Scotland

When Big Peter McFlannel dies in Glasgow, his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once, so she goes to the newspaper and says "I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband"

The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"

The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says "You wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok".

So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter McFlannel, fae Parkheid, deid".

The clerk feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hands the paper over the counter again.

The clerk then reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale"


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The Scottish Student

A student at an English university, by name of Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye, who was living in the hall of residence in his first year there. After he had been there for a month, his mother came to visit, no doubt carrying reinforcements of oatmeal.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?"
she asked."Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible noisy people! The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night!"

"Oh, Donald! How ever do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?" "Mother, I do nothing, I just ignore them! I just stay here quietly playing my bagpipes!"


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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