Tuesday 19th November 2019 - 19:59:42 

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The Hypnotist that Stopped the Wife's Headaches

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone".


"No more headaches" the husband asks, "what happened"?

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache'. It worked! The headaches are all gone".

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful".

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that"?

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back".

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful"!

The husband says, "Don't move! I'll be right back".

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "

She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.


Punchline update: Jem


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The Splint

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin -- in every way."

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together ... an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.

She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."

He immediately drops his pants and replies. "Look at this!!! Still in the CRATE!"


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It is Only a Small Error

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing "We forgot the 'R', We forgot the
'R'". His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is 'celebrate'."


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After the Sermon

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you: that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate."

The preacher said, "No sh*t?"


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Batteries

"Do you have any batteries?" a woman asks the hardware store clerk.

"Yes, m'am." The clerk gestures with his finger. "Can you come this way?"

"If I could come that way," the woman says, "I wouldn't need the batteries."


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Curtain Rods.... a Happy Ending

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the removalists come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a kilo of prawns, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten prawn shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rats, and carpets were steam-cleaned..

Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit...

The maid quit...

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house.

She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and she would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.......including the curtain rods.

MORAL OF THE STORY :
FEAR THE REVENGE OF A WOMAN


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Free Beer

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"


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Three Comedians

Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. They’ve heard one another’s material so much, they’ve reached the point where they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other – they just need to refer to each joke by a number.

"Number 37!" cracks the first comic, and the others break up.

"Number 53!" says the second guy, and they howl.

Finally, it’s the third comic’s turn. "44!" he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets. "What?" he asks, "Isn’t 44 funny?"

"Sure, it’s usually hilarious," they answer. "But the way you tell it…"

============================//========================

One of the comedians is sitting at the bar of a comedy club late one night when a beautiuful woman comes up to him and says "I saw you perform tonight, and you’re the funniest guy I’ve ever seen. I want to take you home and give you the hottest night of sex you’re ever had."

The comedian looks at her and says, "Did you see the first show or the second show?"


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The Scot Watching his First American Baseball Game

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run!

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!

A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!

The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up
yelling R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!

All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused.

A friendly fan, sensing his embarassment whisper, He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls.

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, Walk with pr-r-ride man!


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Paddy and Murphy Went to London

After walking in the city centre for few minutes, Paddy turns to Murphy with a look of amazement on his face and says: "Murphy, will you have a look at that shop over there. I thought that London was supposed to be expensive but that shop is as cheap as chips, so it is."

Murphy says: "Paddy you're right so you are, will you have a look at that. Suits £5, Shirts £2 and Trousers £2. I think that we should buy a job lot and take them back to Ireland. We would make a tidy profit selling them in Dublin so we would."

Paddy says in agreement: "Murphy that is as good an idea as you'll ever have, but I'm pretty sure that you have to pay taxes and duty on things like that. The shopkeeper will never let us have them if he thinks that we're gonna export them and make our fortune, so he won't."

Murphy thinks and says: "Paddy, I've got idea! You can do the best English accent out of the pair of us. You go in there and do the talking and I'll just stand behind you and say nothing. He'll never guess we're Irish so he won't."

"OK Murphy", agrees Paddy, "I'll do the talking, you just stand there and look English."

So the two visitors to our illustrious capital city go into the shop where Paddy is greeted politely by the owner. Paddy then proceeds to do his best Phil Mitchell impression; "Awwwight Guvnor, I'll 'ave 20 of yer Whistle 'n Flutes, 20 Dickie Dirts and 20 pairs of strides. And if yer don't mind I'll be paying with the 380 Pictures of the Queen from my Sky Rocket."

Upon hearing this request from Paddy, the owner smiles, takes a look at Murphy as well then asks Paddy "You're Irish aren't you?"

Quite bemused, Paddy replies, "Oh be'Jesus. Mary mother of Christ, if that isn't my best English accent. How in God's name did you know that we were Irish?"

The Owner replies ..... "cos this is a Dry Cleaners"


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The idea is to die young as late as possible

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Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

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