Thursday 24th September 2020 - 22:42:16 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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Arnie and Tiger

Arnold Palmer and Tiger Woods are playing the 16th hole, when Tiger's tee shot lands behind a huge, 100 foot fir tree. Tiger looks at Arnie and says, "How would you play this one? Lay up and take the extra stroke?"

Arnold replies: "When I was your age, I'd just play right over this tree."

Tiger, not wanting to be shown up by an aging Arnold Palmer, proceeds to hit the ball high, but not high enough. It bounces off the tree and lands out of bounds. Tiger, really ticked at this point, asks Arnold how he EVER hit a ball over that tree.

Arnold replied: "Well, when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall."


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Golf Grammar Lesson

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.

"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.

"Put means to place a thing where you want it.
Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."


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Brotherly Love on the Golf Course

Two brothers were playing a game of golf and were all square on the 18th. The first brother sliced his shot off to the left, and the ball came to rest on the cart path. His brother smashed it straight down the middle.

"Oh well," said the first brother, "at least I get a drop off the cart path."

"Hell no," said the other brother, "we play the ball as it lies."

"OK," said the first brother, as he dropped his brother off in the middle of the fairway.

The second brother found the green, and could not resist smiling as he saw sparks coming off the cart path for the practice swings. Finally the brother hitting off the cart path addressed his ball and swung it well, leaving a miraculous shot 3 feet from the pin.

Upon returning, the brother in the middle of the fairway commented, "I've gotta hand to you bro...that was a great shot.... what club did you use???"

His brother grins and says, "Your six iron!".


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Midget with a Speech Impediment

One morning, a stud farm owner receives a visit from a midget wanting to buy a horse. It soon becomes obvious that the dwarf has a bad speech impediment.

‘Can I view a female horth?’ he asks.

Dutifully, the owner leads one out, and shows the midget the hoofs and legs.

‘That’th a thtrong looking beatht, for thure,’ says the gnomic breeder, nodding his head.

‘Can I thee her mouf?’

Confused as to how the tiny man will ride the animal, the farmer still picks up the midget by his braces and shows him the horse’s mouth.

‘Nith, healthy-looking horth,’ agrees the midget.

‘Now move me awownd to her eerth …’

Now getting annoyed, the owner lifts up the midget one more time to look at the ears.

‘Finally,’ says the Lilliputian, ‘can I see her twat?’

With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head into the horse's vagina. He pulls him out after a minute, and the tiny man stumbles around, dazed.

‘Perhapth I thould rephrathe that,’ says the midget, shaking his head. ‘Can I thee her wun awownd?’


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Animal Conscription

During a shortage of eligible men, a bear, a pig and a rabbit are called up for national service. While waiting for the medical examinations, they all admit they're terrified of being killed.

‘I'm ungainly and pink,’ says the pig, truthfully. ‘The enemy will see me a mile off – so I decided to chop my tail off.

’ The rabbit nods sagely – and the bear realizes the bunny's ears have been removed. ‘I just hope it works,’ says the rabbit.

Mystified, the bear watches as both animals enter the examination room – then return, smiling. ‘We're free to go,’ says the rabbit.

‘They said a rabbit without ears is not a proper rabbit, and a pig without a curly tail is not a proper pig!’

He's about to leave with the pig when the bear pipes up. ‘Hang on a minute!’ he cries. ‘I'm massive and slow – I'd not last a day.’ The other two look at the bear. ‘Well,’ says the rabbit, ‘Your sharp teeth could be useful in combat. You might want them removed …’ Nodding miserably, the bear lies down – and the other animals start kicking his fangs out.

Eventually the dazed bear, blood pouring from his mouth, stumbles through the door. A moment later he returns. ‘Did you get let off?’ says the pig. ‘Yesh,’ splutters the bear. ‘Apparently I'm too fat.’


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The Hypnotist that Stopped the Wife's Headaches

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone".


"No more headaches" the husband asks, "what happened"?

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache'. It worked! The headaches are all gone".

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful".

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that"?

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back".

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful"!

The husband says, "Don't move! I'll be right back".

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "

She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.


Punchline update: Jem


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The Splint

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin -- in every way."

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together ... an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.

She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."

He immediately drops his pants and replies. "Look at this!!! Still in the CRATE!"


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It is Only a Small Error

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing "We forgot the 'R', We forgot the
'R'". His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is 'celebrate'."


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After the Sermon

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you: that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate."

The preacher said, "No sh*t?"


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Batteries

"Do you have any batteries?" a woman asks the hardware store clerk.

"Yes, m'am." The clerk gestures with his finger. "Can you come this way?"

"If I could come that way," the woman says, "I wouldn't need the batteries."


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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