Previously On Johns-Jokes
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Lost and Famished in the ForestOne day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle, killed it and started to eat it.
Surprisingly a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment and arrested him for killing an endangered species.
At court, he plead innocent to the charges against him claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation.
The judge ruled in his favor. In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. What did it taste like"?
The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl".
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Snowhite and the Seven DwarfsThe seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch.
However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found There had been a cave-in and there was no sign of the dwarves.
Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "Hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me"?
A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine: "England will win the Ashes"?
"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive".
.....and have you heard the groaner about Snow White?
Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch she took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor.
Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said,
"Don't worry. Someday your prints will come".
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Captain Rudolf LarrsonWhen I was young, Rudolf Larsson, lived across the road from us. He was a retired Norwegian sea captain and had long flowing flame red locks and a full beard. No-one in the neighbourhood ever went on holiday or arranged a wedding without consulting Captain Rudi because his weather forecasts were always accurate."My daughter's getting married on August 17th" - "Make sure that the outside photos are taken before 3 o'clock as it will rain at about 3:30 but only for one hour". "Late spring holiday? Just a bit colder than usual but no rain". I have never known him to be wrong!
I must have been about 8 or 9 when I asked Mum, "How can Captain Rudi tell what the weather will do?
Rudolf the red knows rain, deer!"
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Programming Languages Compared with WomenThere are so many programming languages available that it can be very difficult to get to know them all well enough to pick the right one for you. On the other hand most men know what kind of woman appeals to them. So here is a handy guide for many of the popular programming languages that describes what kind of women they would be if programming languages were women.
ABAP/4 - The german lovechild of COBOL. All the plumpness with none of the charm.
ActionScript 3 - Young and dynamic. Likes to flash. Easily brings former Javaâ€™s clientele to bed by showing how to achieve quick orgasm with XML. But when the quick foreplay is over, her clients realize that sex is sex, and you have to work in bed as hard as with aging lady Java to achieve real satisfaction.
Ada - A WAC colonel built like an amazon. She is always setting strict rules, but if you follow them, she keeps her temper. She is quite talkative, always spouting army regulations, and using obscure military talk. You gotta love her though, because the army says so.
ALGOL 60 - Your father's wartime sweetheart, petite, well proportioned, and sweet tempered. She disappeared mysteriously during the war, but your dad still talks about her shapely form and their steamy romance. He never actually tasted much of her cooking.
ALGOL 68 - Algol 60's niece. A high-society woman, well educated and terse. Few men can fully understand her when she talks, and her former lovers still discuss her mysterious personality. She is very choosy about her romances and won't take just any man as her lover. She hasn't been seen lately, and rumor has it that she died in a fall from an ivory tower.
APL - A fancy caterer specializing in Greek food. She can cook delicious meals for rows and rows of tables with dozens of people at each table. She doesn't talk much, as that would just slow her work down. Few people can understand her recipes, since they are in a foreign language, and are all recorded in mirror writing.
Assembler - A female track star who holds all the world speed records. She is hard and bumpy, and so is not that pleasant to embrace. She can cook up any meal, but needs a complete and detailed recipe. She is not beautiful or educated, and speaks in monosyllables like "MOV, JUMP, INC". She has a fierce and violent temper that make her the choice of last resort.
BASIC - The horny divorcee that lives next door. Her specialty is seducing young boys and it seems she is always readily available for them. She teaches them many amazing things, or at least they seem amazing because it is their) first experience. She is not that young herself, but because she was their first lover the boys always remember her fondly. Her cooking and sewing skills are mediocre, but largely irrelevant, it's the frolicking that the boys like. The opinion that adults have of Mrs. BASIC is varied. Shockingly, some fathers actually introduce their own sons to this immoral woman! But generally the more righteous adults try to correct the badly influenced young men by introducing them to well behaved women like Miss Pascal.
C - A lady executive. An avid jogger, very healthy, and not too talkative. Is an good cook if you like spicy food. Unless you double check everything you say (through LINT) you can unleash her fierce temper. Her daughter C++ is still quite young and prone to tantrums, but it seems that she will grow up into a fine young woman of milder temper and more sophisticated character.
C# - The pimp from next door! She likes copying everything, from recipes to makeup to fashion. She is never original and likes to still other women's ideas, then go about shouting that the ideas are hers. Those who are not aware of her source of ideas think she is very intelligent. She is very talkative and showy. Sometimes she is very good at perfecting what she has copied.
C#/.NET - An expensive prostitute with STDs. She's very efficient, because after all, time is money. She will cost you an arm and a leg, and you'll wake up in the morning with an odd burning sensation that will be hard to get rid of. Her pimp may come back randomly to ask for more payment for the services that you already paid for.
COBOL - A plump secretary. She talks far too much, and most of what she says can be ignored. She works hard and long hours, but can't handle really complicated jobs. She has a short and unpredictable temper, so no one really likes working with her. She can cook meals for a huge family, but only knows bland recipes.
ColdFusion - She's a wholesome mid-Western beauty with an easy smile. She is gentle and forgiving, but can be quite a vixen with experienced men. Sometimes her forgiving nature teaches young men bad habits that get them into trouble later. She only knows how to cook Swiss food (her first love was Tim Berners-Lee), but she cooks it as well as anyone. She was starting to look a little old, but recently she got a personal trainer and a face-lift and has come back hotter than ever. Her sugar daddy is possessive and men have to pay him for the privilege of being with her, but he has taught her some new tricks that have everyone raving about her again. Normally she is patient and very clear, but if she gets really pissed she'll throw up in the middle of a meal and refuse to serve any more food. ColdFusion is one HOT woman with 8 arms and a memory that would stump an elephant. She works with MySQL like they grew up in the same trailer park. Now living somewhere on the exotic Vancouver Island, she treats us all with love and efficiency.
FORTH - Many men (mostly college students) who have visited the farmhouse,-- enthusiastically praise the natural food, and perpetual love-ins that take place there. Others criticize the long cooking times, and the abnormal sexual postures (prefix and postfix). Although these women seldom have full-time jobs, when they do work, their employers praise them for their imagination, but usually not for their efficiency.
FORTRAN - Your grey-haired grandmother. People make fun of her just because she is old, but if you take the time to listen, you can learn from her experiences and her mistakes. During her lifetime she has acquired many useful skills in sewing and cooking (subroutine libraries) that no younger women can match, so be thankful she is still around. She has a notoriously bad temper and when angered will start yelling and throwing dishes. It was mostly her bad temper that made grand dad search for another wife.
Haskell - A cruel Russian baroness with respect to conversation. Changing the subject or talking about a different type of subject requires a back-breaking explaination. Very elegant, nimble, and short-tempered, she will do anything, as many times as you want, and never fail any test that you give to her, as long as it is exactly in her terms with a hint of Russian dialect. Speak kindly of the motherland, and Haskell is putty in your hands.
HyperCard - Disavowed mother of VB, early ancestor of the world wide web. Not wealthy or sophisticated but lovely and forgiving. Could only bake loaves of bread, but any man in need for such would not go away unsatisfied. Lived her life within the confines of the small town in which she was born. Rest in peace.
Java - Bulky with big boobs. Does everything you want but slowly. Hardly complains about how you want it in bed. The kind of woman who is not sexy, but gives you amazing satisfaction. You have tried several women, but this one doesn't get off your mind so you always go back to her.
LISP - She is an aging beatnik, who lives in a rural commune with her hippie cousins. Her efficiency is not that much when compared to several other women but her hippie style gets the job done really well.
LOGO - A grade-school art teacher. She is just the kind of teacher that you wish you had when you were young. She is shapely and patient, but not an interesting conversationalist. She can cook up delicious kiddie snacks, but not full-course meals.
LUCID - A clever teenagers show a new kind of cooking skill. They can cook-up fine meals without the use of recipes, working solely from a description of the desired meal (declarative cooking). Many men are fascinated by this and have already proposed marriage. Others complain that the girls work very slowly, and that often the description of the meal must be just as long as a recipe would be. It is hard to predict what these girls will be like when they are fully mature.
Modula II - A high-school teacher and Pascal's daughter. Very much like her mother, but she has learned to cook with more than one pot.
Pascal - A grammar school teacher, and Algol 60's younger sister. Like her sister she is petite and attractive, but very bossy. She is a good cook but only if the recipe requires no more than one pot (module).
Perl - A she-bitch of a mercenery, armed with every hand weapon known to man, a katana to splice() you with, and throwing *'s to "match" whatever you throw at her. She isn't usually called on to cook; instead, folks send her on special one-time missions which need to be done Right Now. Ask her about a mission you sent her on six months ago, however, and she'll have to kill you. Perl is perhaps one of the most beautiful or most ugly women you will ever see, depending on the light and company. In good company, Perl is the envy of other woman in town because she is capable of just about anything. She is a certified Iron Chef and excellent cook. She rarely looks at a cookbook, which means she can produce some amazing dishes in the time it takes most other women to read a recipe.
PHP - Slick and slim lady. Very portable. Does nice and amazing things with her small body. Very good in aerobics. Not very sexy but intact. She is the kind of women that most men are happy to wed, though she will need a house maid because she is unable to carry heavy workload. A younger relative of Miss Perl, this fun loving lady prefers picking up her gents on the Internet. While not as versatile a cook or lover, she has many exotic features which make her feel more sophisticated than she really is. She is very naive and has been taken advantage
of many times. She appeals to many beginners who find her charms beguilling. Like Miss Basic, she is often a "first" and teaches a few bad habits. She has been getting better at controlling her anger lately, but is still most likely to flame you in her blog than to tell you how she feels face to face. Her recipes trend toward Chinese cuisine: Delicious and immediately satifying, not too expensive, but unfulfilling in the long term.
PL/I - A bordello madam. She wears silk dresses, diamonds, furs and red high heels. At one time she seemed very attractive, but now she just seems overweight and tacky. Tastes change.
Powerbuilder - The Queen that all men desire, but few ever find. The ultimate in Maid/Master processing ;handling your 2 acre library with ease. She is somewhat complex, but after you learn what turns her on, she will show you a great time.
Prolog - In her mid 30's and hardly a teenager- see: She is an experienced woman that many men fear because she is intelligent, with a mind of her own. She finds her own way to complete any job given to her. She needs no recipe, just accurately describe what you what you want and she'll find a way to get it done. She is known for taking her time ever so often. She is a favorite of men who are into strong willed intelligent women and not afraid of giving up control.
Python - The all complete lady who is the envy of the town. She came up with a slick new way of dressing that made her a hit. Those who initially scoffed at her new dressing later fell head over heals for it. She is not talkative, but when she does a job, she does it very well. Python forces you to do everything the right way but you are a better man because of it. While most of the women on the page want you do to all the work, Ms. Python will cook, clean, plumb, landscape, and f??k your brains out. Just make sure you watch your indents.
Rexx - Is a bimbo, she even counts on her fingers but she is one of the most cuddly and amiable women out there. She doesn't know how to cook, though, but you might consider this unimportant, as you can teach her what she needs to know. However, she refuses to wear clothes, which would likely make her a poor choice to introduce to your friends.
Ruby - Hot little 18 year old Japanese college girl. She likes to get it on and is very open minded. She's really smart and has a lot going on in her life. Your mom will not approve of you dating her, but she is fun for a while. She just recently learned English, but she speaks it relatively well.
Ruby on Rails - The new girl in town. Everybody is talking about her. Very beautiful and sexy. Only daring men, because she is till new, have the guts to ask her out. She is modern and sophisticated. Already a lot of myth is surrounding her with regards to her ability. She is not talkative but looks rather very intelligent.
Smalltalk - The beautiful, intelligent and middle aged elementary school teacher who lives on your block. She's shy, so most guys who would appreciate her haven't given her the chance she deserves, but when they do, they rarely go back. Was once a glamorous model in her youth, but has matured in a way that those who persue her can't help but find her elegant and even a bit mysterious. Her daughter Java, born of a drunken evening spent with C++, has tried in vain to imitate her but with mixed results, coming off as a cheap imitation, usually wearing too much eye shadow and clothes that don't fit. Granddaughters Ruby and Python have done a little better by her, but are still struggling through their adolescence, trying to grow up and find their way.
Visual Basic - The little bitch from next door. Probably the most dumb girl in town. She never turns a man down and all the boys in the neighbourhood use her as a training ground as they learn the ropes to adulthood. She never practise safe sex and regularly infects the whole system with memory leaks. Popularly known as VB, she is so loose a lot of fathers have spanked
their sons for dating her. However, it is amazing how popular she is. Most men curse themselves once they taste lips of mature and sweet women. A lot of men have struggled to maintain decent relationships with mature women after being spoiled by this little brat! She doesn't have a clue how to cook a complete decent meal without throwing up into the pot! VB is like a pornstar that somewhere along the line lost her standards in mating. Her obscured sense of selection makes her an easy target for anybody willing, but only the most experienced partners will make her do anything interesting in bed. Unfortunately she will live in infamy from all those years of unprotected sex. Doesnt help that her father was a scandalous politician who made millions off the people and then fled the country - leaving a tons of half- assed and unfinished projects in his wake.
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Luke Skywalker is Suddenly AwakenedIt's midnight on Christmas Eve, and a five year-old Luke Skywalker is fast asleep, but suddenly awakened by a crash and a cloud of soot coming from the fireplace. From down the chimney stepped not Santa, but Darth Vader!
'Luke', breathed Vader. 'See that gift over there under the tree? That's a cuddly Ewok, that is'.
'Stop'!, cried the infant Luke. 'You're spoiling the surprise'!
'Luke, that one there is a brand new light sabre', Vader continued.
'Don't tell me', said Luke, clamping his hands over his ears.
'Luke, the really big one is a replica of the Millenium Falcon', Vader concluded.
Luke tearfully asked, 'How do you know what Santa's brought me'?
Vader replied, 'Luke - I have felt your presents'.
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Nelson Mandela "you Sign";
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,
"You Sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder,
"You Sign! You Sign"!
Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again.
When he opens it, the little Japanese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,
"You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit pi**ed off by now, so he pushes the little Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! Leave me alone! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!"
Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Japanese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,
"You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand?
You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Japanese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
(It's a beauty)...
(wait for it)...
(Get your best Japanese accent ready)......
"You not Nissan Main Deala?"
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Letters to Santa Clausdeer santa:
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those?
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam.
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
All the toys are made by little kids like you in China Every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.
P.S. Tell your mom she got the part.
Long Dong Claus,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again.
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
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Any Objection To...?Joel had a blind date for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself attracted to her more and more. After some really passionate embracing, he said, "Tell me, do you object to making love?"
"That's something I've never done before," she replied.
"Never made love? You mean you're a virgin?" Joel was amazed.
"No, silly!" she giggled. "Never objected!"
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The Engineers and the Accountants go to a London MeetingGroup of people from a company in England have to go to London for a meeting. Four from the accounts department and four from engineering.
They all arrive at the train station and the accountants all queue up at the ticket
booth and buy their tickets.
Only one engineer joins them and buys his ticket. The rest don't bother.
This arouses conversation and some curiosity on the accountants' part. When they get on the train all the accountants take their seats and all the engineers pile into the
toilet at the end of the carriage.
Shortly afterwards a ticket inspector comes through checking everybody's ticket. When he comes o the "occupied" toilet he raps on the door and says "ticket please". The engineers slide their one ticket under the door, the inspector clips it and and slides it back.
The accountants were impressed with this. On the return journey one of the accountants
bought a ticket. They were a bit puzzled by the fact that none of the engineers bought a ticket.
They all got on the train , the accountants all piled into the nearest toilet and the engineers strolled down to the next carriage where three of the squeezed into the toilet while the fourth waited.
A few minutes after the train started moving this engineer walked down to the toilet in the other carriage , rapped on the door and said "ticket please".
When it slid out under the door he went to rejoin his colleagues in the other toilet.
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A Real GroanerA man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."
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