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Corporate Lessons

Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Corporate Lesson 2

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized, "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.

It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Corporate Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.



Corporate Lesson 4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.



Corporate Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


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Help Desk

A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password.

"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.

"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."

"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me!"


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Golf and the Two 'gotchas!'

Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better then I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas.'"

The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it.

And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.

"What happened?" asked one of the members.

"Well, "said the pro. "l was teeing up for the first hole, and as l brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling "Gotcha!"

Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha?'"



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Golf Caddies

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf, enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake.

"The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."




Bill was 26 over par by the eighth hole; he had landed a fleet of golf balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting his way out of the rough. When his caddy coughed during a 12-inch putt, Bill exploded. "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed.

"I doubt it," replied the caddy. "That would be too much of a coincidence."




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Golf Balls

A man hits his ball deep into the woods. While trying to find his ball he finds a few abandoned balls and puts them in his pocket.

After the round he is in the club house and a woman keeps starting at his pants. Finally, he points down and says "golf balls".

The woman looks shocked, and says "and I thought tennis elbow was bad."


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Arnie and Tiger

Arnold Palmer and Tiger Woods are playing the 16th hole, when Tiger's tee shot lands behind a huge, 100 foot fir tree. Tiger looks at Arnie and says, "How would you play this one? Lay up and take the extra stroke?"

Arnold replies: "When I was your age, I'd just play right over this tree."

Tiger, not wanting to be shown up by an aging Arnold Palmer, proceeds to hit the ball high, but not high enough. It bounces off the tree and lands out of bounds. Tiger, really ticked at this point, asks Arnold how he EVER hit a ball over that tree.

Arnold replied: "Well, when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall."


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Golf Grammar Lesson

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.

"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.

"Put means to place a thing where you want it.
Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."


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Brotherly Love on the Golf Course

Two brothers were playing a game of golf and were all square on the 18th. The first brother sliced his shot off to the left, and the ball came to rest on the cart path. His brother smashed it straight down the middle.

"Oh well," said the first brother, "at least I get a drop off the cart path."

"Hell no," said the other brother, "we play the ball as it lies."

"OK," said the first brother, as he dropped his brother off in the middle of the fairway.

The second brother found the green, and could not resist smiling as he saw sparks coming off the cart path for the practice swings. Finally the brother hitting off the cart path addressed his ball and swung it well, leaving a miraculous shot 3 feet from the pin.

Upon returning, the brother in the middle of the fairway commented, "I've gotta hand to you bro...that was a great shot.... what club did you use???"

His brother grins and says, "Your six iron!".


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Midget with a Speech Impediment

One morning, a stud farm owner receives a visit from a midget wanting to buy a horse. It soon becomes obvious that the dwarf has a bad speech impediment.

‘Can I view a female horth?’ he asks.

Dutifully, the owner leads one out, and shows the midget the hoofs and legs.

‘That’th a thtrong looking beatht, for thure,’ says the gnomic breeder, nodding his head.

‘Can I thee her mouf?’

Confused as to how the tiny man will ride the animal, the farmer still picks up the midget by his braces and shows him the horse’s mouth.

‘Nith, healthy-looking horth,’ agrees the midget.

‘Now move me awownd to her eerth …’

Now getting annoyed, the owner lifts up the midget one more time to look at the ears.

‘Finally,’ says the Lilliputian, ‘can I see her twat?’

With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head into the horse's vagina. He pulls him out after a minute, and the tiny man stumbles around, dazed.

‘Perhapth I thould rephrathe that,’ says the midget, shaking his head. ‘Can I thee her wun awownd?’


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Animal Conscription

During a shortage of eligible men, a bear, a pig and a rabbit are called up for national service. While waiting for the medical examinations, they all admit they're terrified of being killed.

‘I'm ungainly and pink,’ says the pig, truthfully. ‘The enemy will see me a mile off – so I decided to chop my tail off.

’ The rabbit nods sagely – and the bear realizes the bunny's ears have been removed. ‘I just hope it works,’ says the rabbit.

Mystified, the bear watches as both animals enter the examination room – then return, smiling. ‘We're free to go,’ says the rabbit.

‘They said a rabbit without ears is not a proper rabbit, and a pig without a curly tail is not a proper pig!’

He's about to leave with the pig when the bear pipes up. ‘Hang on a minute!’ he cries. ‘I'm massive and slow – I'd not last a day.’ The other two look at the bear. ‘Well,’ says the rabbit, ‘Your sharp teeth could be useful in combat. You might want them removed …’ Nodding miserably, the bear lies down – and the other animals start kicking his fangs out.

Eventually the dazed bear, blood pouring from his mouth, stumbles through the door. A moment later he returns. ‘Did you get let off?’ says the pig. ‘Yesh,’ splutters the bear. ‘Apparently I'm too fat.’


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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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