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Taken for a RideIn a train compartment, there are three men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.
And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.
Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off
Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."
All three fork over the money. The girl then turns to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"
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Old Hollywood SquaresIf you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and not as dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. (Paul Lynde): If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. (Charley Weaver): Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. (George Gobel): Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. (Don Knotts): That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. (Rose Marie): No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. (Charley Weaver): My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. (Vincent Price): No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. (George Gobel): I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. (Rose Marie): You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. (Paul Lynde): Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. (Charley Weaver): Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. (Rose Marie): Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. (Paul Lynde): Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. (Rose Marie): Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. (Marty Allen): Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. (Paul Lynde): Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. (Paul Lynde): Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. (Charley Weaver): It got me out of the army.
Q While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?
A. (George Gobel): Cattle crossing.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. (Paul Lynde): Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. (George Gobel): Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. (Paul Lynde): Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. (Charley Weaver): I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. (Charley Weaver): His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. (Paul Lynde): Point and Laugh.
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In the MouthOne day the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what was not good to put in one's mouth.
Little Johnny says "It is not good to put a lit light bulb in one's mouth."
The teacher says "that is correct, but why?"
Little Johnny answers "I don't know, but my Mom always tells my dad "turn off the light before you put it in my mouth!"
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I Want GrandmaJohnny woke up in the middle of the night and cried until his mother came in to see what was the matter. "I have to make pee pee", wailed Little Johnny.
"All right," said his mother, "I'll take you to the bathroom."
"No" insisted Little Johnny, "I want Grandma."
"Don't be silly, I can do the same thing as Grandma," said his mother firmly."
"Nuh-uh. Her hands shake." replied Little Johnny.
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King Arthur and the Witch:Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?.... What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered.... is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day.... or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT.... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now.... what is the moral to this story?
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly
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Logic from 'the Suit'Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Chris: -I reckon he's an accountant.
James: -No way - he's a stockbroker.
Chris: -He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...
Chris: -Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: -No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Chris: -Oh! What's that then?
Suit:-I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Chris:-Er...mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: -Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Chris: -It's in a pond!
Suit: -Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Chris: -As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: -Well then it's logical to assume that in this town that if you have a large garden that you have a large house?
Chris: -As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit: -Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Chris: -Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children!
Suit: -Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Chris:-Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: -Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Chris: -Me? Never
Suit: -Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Chris:-How's that then?
Suit: -Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life!
Chris: -I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.
James: -I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Chris: -Yep! He's a logical scientist!
James: -What's that then?
Chris: -I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Chris: -Well then, you're a wanker.
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Laws of GolfLAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
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Best MateA bloke stops to visit his mate who has a broken leg.
His friend says, "My feet are cold mate. Can you go and get me my slippers from upstairs please."
The guy goes upstairs, and there are his mate's gorgeous twin 18 year old daughters.
"Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to shag you."
The first daughter says, "That's not true."
He says, "I'll prove it."
He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"
His mate yells back, "Of course, both of them."
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One for the Brits About Sean Connery and Cilla Black Interviewed by Michael Parkinson
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.
So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed,but says "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says,
"Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".
Cilla complies with the routine. The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks
"Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer dat much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the b!tch stole ma wallet"!
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Interesting Thoughts1.) I started out with nothing....I still have most of it.
2.) When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?
3.) I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4.) Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5.) All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
6.) If all is not lost, where is it?
7.) It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8.) If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
9.) The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
10.) I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.
11.) I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through..
12.) It was all so different before everything changed.
13.) Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
14.) Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
15.) Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.
16.) A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
17.) I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few...
18.) Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
19.) It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
20.) It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
21.) Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
22.) The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
23.) If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
24.) Never knock on Death's door: ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
25.) Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
26.) When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
27.) If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
28.) There are two kinds of pedestrians ... the quick and the dead.
29.) An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
30.) A closed mouth gathers no feet.
31.) Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
32.) It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
33.) Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
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