Monday 24th September 2018 - 06:31:15 

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Change of Name

Peter and Alfred Nussbaum were tailors and partners in the firm Nussbaum Brothers. After many years they decided to Anglicize their names and henceforth the firm should be known as the Nuss Brothers.

After completing the legal paperwork, they informed the receptionist, Ethel, that from Monday on she should answer the phone as "Nuss Brothers."

"I quit," said Ethel.

"But why?", asked Peter, "the pay and benefits will be the same!"

"Yeah? Well, YOU answer the phone then. I don't want to answer and find that the caller says he wants to speak with Mr. Nuss. Then I have to say..... "Yes Sir; which one? P-Nuss or A-Nuss?"


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Tv Position

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?"

"Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night."

"That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know."

"Not if you're going to watch TV. there ain't," she replied.


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Sharon's Birthday Present

Sam was out shopping in the mall when he meets his friend Abe outside the jewelers.

Sam notices that Abe has a small gift-wrapped box in his hand.

"So what have you just purchased Abe" Sam asks?

"Well, now that you've asked," replies Abe, "it's my Sharon's birthday tomorrow and when I asked her this morning what she wanted for her birthday she said, 'Oh, I don't know, dear, just give me something with a lot of diamonds in it'".

"So what did you get her" Sam asks?

Abe replies, smiling, "I bought her a deck of cards".


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Can this Marriage Be Saved?

An 80-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting.

When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied: a can of peaches.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said," What is it? "

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."


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You Just Can't Win

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?"

She agrees and a date is made. The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.

He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked.

She said "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said 'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall.'"


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Overheard in the Supermarket

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal*Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."


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Little Johhny and his Father

Little Johhny: "Dad, did you go to Church when you were little?"

Dad: "Yes Johhny, every single Sunday."

Little Johhny: "I Thought so. Bet it won't do me any good either."


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Johnny at the Auction

Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"

"Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."

Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!"

"Why?" his father asked.

"Because the milkman stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!"


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Taken for a Ride

In a train compartment, there are three men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.

And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off
their coats.

Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turns to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"


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Old Hollywood Squares

If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and not as dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. (Paul Lynde): If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. (Charley Weaver): Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. (George Gobel): Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. (Don Knotts): That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. (Rose Marie): No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. (Charley Weaver): My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. (Vincent Price): No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. (George Gobel): I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. (Rose Marie): You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. (Paul Lynde): Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. (Charley Weaver): Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. (Rose Marie): Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. (Paul Lynde): Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. (Rose Marie): Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. (Marty Allen): Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. (Paul Lynde): Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. (Paul Lynde): Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. (Charley Weaver): It got me out of the army.

Q While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?
A. (George Gobel): Cattle crossing.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. (Paul Lynde): Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. (George Gobel): Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. (Paul Lynde): Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. (Charley Weaver): I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. (Charley Weaver): His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. (Paul Lynde): Point and Laugh.


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