Thursday 5th November 2020 - 07:42:28 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance.

OLD ALCOHOLICS never die, they just lose their spirit.

OLD TEACHERS never die, they just lose their class.

OLD ARTISTS never die, they just get the brush-off.

OLD BANKERS never die, they just lose interest.

OLD DEANS never die, they just lose their faculties.

OLD LAWYERS never die, they just loose their briefs.

OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their appeal.

OLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they just lose their focus.

OLD POSTMEN never die, they just lose their zip.

OLD HOOKERS never die, they just get laid off.

OLD INVESTORS never die, they just roll over.

OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just loose their memory.

OLD SOLDIERS never die, . . . just young ones!

OLD GOLFERS never die... they just lose their balls!

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Speaking of new equipment reminds me of the poor fellow who lost his penis in an auto accident. The male members of his family were well endowed, and each volunteered to donate one inch.

One week after the operation, the doctor found him crying in his hospital room and asked if there was a problem with his handiwork.

The man tearfully answered, "It's almost perfect, but why did you put Grandpa's inch in the middle?"

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The Reason

At a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her husband:
"That's not true I do so enjoy sex!"

Then, turning to the counselor, she explained: "But this animal expects it four or five times a year!"

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Murphy's Technology Laws

Murphy's Technology Law # 1:
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Murphy's Technology Law # 2:
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Murphy's Technology Law # 3:
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

Murphy's Technology Law # 4:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Murphy's Technology Law # 5:
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he/she knows absolutely everything about nothing.

Murphy's Technology Law # 6:
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he'll have to touch to be sure.

Murphy's Technology Law # 7:
All great discoveries are made by mistake.

Murphy's Technology Law # 8:
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

Murphy's Technology Law # 9:
All's well that ends... period.

Murphy's Technology Law # 10:
A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost.

Murphy's Technology Law # 11:
The first myth of management is that it exists.

Murphy's Technology Law # 12:
A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.

Murphy's Technology Law # 13:
New systems generate new problems.

Murphy's Technology Law # 14:
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

Murphy's Technology Law # 15:
We don't know one-millionth of one percent about anything.

Murphy's Technology Law # 16:
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Murphy's Technology Law # 17:
A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

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Bad Words

The administration of this particular elementary school decided to start a more inclusive policy on which words were "bad" words. Among those initiated to the category was "suck" (when not
referring to the principle of suction).

One day a child came up to the teacher to inform her that one of the other students had said a bad word.

"What was the bad word he said?" asked the teacher.

"I can't say it."

"It's ok to tell me, you won't get in trouble for it."

"No, it's too bad, I don't want to say it."

"Well I have to know what he said in order to punish him. Can you tell me what it is without saying it?"

"Well... it rhymes with 'fuck'"!

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Change of Name

Peter and Alfred Nussbaum were tailors and partners in the firm Nussbaum Brothers. After many years they decided to Anglicize their names and henceforth the firm should be known as the Nuss Brothers.

After completing the legal paperwork, they informed the receptionist, Ethel, that from Monday on she should answer the phone as "Nuss Brothers."

"I quit," said Ethel.

"But why?", asked Peter, "the pay and benefits will be the same!"

"Yeah? Well, YOU answer the phone then. I don't want to answer and find that the caller says he wants to speak with Mr. Nuss. Then I have to say..... "Yes Sir; which one? P-Nuss or A-Nuss?"

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Tv Position

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?"

"Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night."

"That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know."

"Not if you're going to watch TV. there ain't," she replied.

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Sharon's Birthday Present

Sam was out shopping in the mall when he meets his friend Abe outside the jewelers.

Sam notices that Abe has a small gift-wrapped box in his hand.

"So what have you just purchased Abe" Sam asks?

"Well, now that you've asked," replies Abe, "it's my Sharon's birthday tomorrow and when I asked her this morning what she wanted for her birthday she said, 'Oh, I don't know, dear, just give me something with a lot of diamonds in it'".

"So what did you get her" Sam asks?

Abe replies, smiling, "I bought her a deck of cards".

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Can this Marriage Be Saved?

An 80-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting.

When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied: a can of peaches.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said," What is it? "

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

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You Just Can't Win

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?"

She agrees and a date is made. The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.

He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked.

She said "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said 'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall.'"

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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