Tuesday 11th December 2018 - 20:50:56 

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Customs Declarations

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favour?"

Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"

"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I cannot lie."

"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions," and she gave him the 'hair remover.'

The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son," he replied.

Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"

The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"


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Yoga Style and the Two Old Ladies Discussing Their Sexual Activity

Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their sexual activities.

The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she was able to get her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lyingin bed, and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.

The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so that night she got totally naked and began the long process of putting her two legs behind her head. The first leg was kind of tough to put in place, as she was a bit arthritic, but she finally got it in place.

She was having an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head. However, she had rocked back so hard that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air.

Moments after this happened, her husband came out of the bathroom.

"Gladys" he exclaimed, "for heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth back in! You look like an a_shole"!!!




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A Christmas Gift

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.

"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his left foot like this." was the shop owner's reply.

Chet began to sing "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot.

Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with "Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm.

When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"

"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."

So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned, "Jingle Bells! The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came, "Silent Night. Holy Night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"

The man did not know. "Let's try it." He answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs.

Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and sang out loudly (as if it were the performance of his life),

Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."



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Snowplow Warning

Norman and his blonde wife live in Northern Colorado. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to get 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."


Norman's wife moves her car to the even numbered side of the street.



A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."



Norman's wife moves her car again, this time to the odd numbered side of the street.



The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says......We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park your car......................"......THEN all of the electric power goes out !!!



Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says to her husband................."Honey, I don't know what to do..... Which side of the street do I need to park the car on so the snow plow can get through?"



With the love and understanding in his voice like all men exhibit.... who are married to Blondes Norman says..................










"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"


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New Fashion

This man is at work one day when he notices that his male co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

"Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Oh, yeah, sure," says Bob sheepishly.

"Really? How long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in our bed!"


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Old

OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance.

OLD ALCOHOLICS never die, they just lose their spirit.

OLD TEACHERS never die, they just lose their class.

OLD ARTISTS never die, they just get the brush-off.

OLD BANKERS never die, they just lose interest.

OLD DEANS never die, they just lose their faculties.

OLD LAWYERS never die, they just loose their briefs.

OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their appeal.

OLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they just lose their focus.

OLD POSTMEN never die, they just lose their zip.

OLD HOOKERS never die, they just get laid off.

OLD INVESTORS never die, they just roll over.

OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just loose their memory.

OLD SOLDIERS never die, . . . just young ones!

OLD GOLFERS never die... they just lose their balls!



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Why?

Speaking of new equipment reminds me of the poor fellow who lost his penis in an auto accident. The male members of his family were well endowed, and each volunteered to donate one inch.

One week after the operation, the doctor found him crying in his hospital room and asked if there was a problem with his handiwork.

The man tearfully answered, "It's almost perfect, but why did you put Grandpa's inch in the middle?"


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The Reason

At a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her husband:
"That's not true I do so enjoy sex!"

Then, turning to the counselor, she explained: "But this animal expects it four or five times a year!"


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Murphy's Technology Laws

Murphy's Technology Law # 1:
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Murphy's Technology Law # 2:
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Murphy's Technology Law # 3:
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

Murphy's Technology Law # 4:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Murphy's Technology Law # 5:
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he/she knows absolutely everything about nothing.

Murphy's Technology Law # 6:
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he'll have to touch to be sure.

Murphy's Technology Law # 7:
All great discoveries are made by mistake.

Murphy's Technology Law # 8:
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

Murphy's Technology Law # 9:
All's well that ends... period.

Murphy's Technology Law # 10:
A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost.

Murphy's Technology Law # 11:
The first myth of management is that it exists.

Murphy's Technology Law # 12:
A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.

Murphy's Technology Law # 13:
New systems generate new problems.

Murphy's Technology Law # 14:
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

Murphy's Technology Law # 15:
We don't know one-millionth of one percent about anything.

Murphy's Technology Law # 16:
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Murphy's Technology Law # 17:
A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.


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Bad Words

The administration of this particular elementary school decided to start a more inclusive policy on which words were "bad" words. Among those initiated to the category was "suck" (when not
referring to the principle of suction).

One day a child came up to the teacher to inform her that one of the other students had said a bad word.

"What was the bad word he said?" asked the teacher.

"I can't say it."

"It's ok to tell me, you won't get in trouble for it."

"No, it's too bad, I don't want to say it."

"Well I have to know what he said in order to punish him. Can you tell me what it is without saying it?"

"Well... it rhymes with 'fuck'"!


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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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