Thursday 22nd August 2019 - 00:43:13 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

NO Pictures - Just Jokes
Mobile User Friendly


Consultants in the Restaurant

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization...

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange.


When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.


When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop in frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."


As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."


I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant.

That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we could save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our "you know what", we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Flight Attendants Announcements

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:


On an Air NZ Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."


On landing the hostess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."


"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to leave the aircraft."


As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Auckland, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"


After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide, a flight attendant on a Qantas flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as f*** everything has shifted."


From a Qantas employee: "Welcome aboard Qantas Flight XXX to YYY. To Operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."


"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.


"Weather at our destination is 32 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines."


"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."


"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children... or other adults acting like children."


Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard landing in Hobart: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what you are all thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault... it was the asphalt!"


Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: " We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."


An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying United. "He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had got off except for an old lady walking with a cane. She said,"Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"


After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."


Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Qantas."


A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a comfortable ruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - ********! ARGHHH! OH, MY WORD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Economy said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Customs Declarations

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favour?"

Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"

"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I cannot lie."

"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions," and she gave him the 'hair remover.'

The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son," he replied.

Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"

The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Yoga Style and the Two Old Ladies Discussing Their Sexual Activity

Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their sexual activities.

The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she was able to get her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lyingin bed, and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.

The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so that night she got totally naked and began the long process of putting her two legs behind her head. The first leg was kind of tough to put in place, as she was a bit arthritic, but she finally got it in place.

She was having an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head. However, she had rocked back so hard that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air.

Moments after this happened, her husband came out of the bathroom.

"Gladys" he exclaimed, "for heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth back in! You look like an a_shole"!!!




Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


A Christmas Gift

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.

"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his left foot like this." was the shop owner's reply.

Chet began to sing "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot.

Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with "Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm.

When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"

"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."

So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned, "Jingle Bells! The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came, "Silent Night. Holy Night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"

The man did not know. "Let's try it." He answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs.

Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and sang out loudly (as if it were the performance of his life),

Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."



Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Snowplow Warning

Norman and his blonde wife live in Northern Colorado. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to get 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."


Norman's wife moves her car to the even numbered side of the street.



A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."



Norman's wife moves her car again, this time to the odd numbered side of the street.



The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says......We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park your car......................"......THEN all of the electric power goes out !!!



Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says to her husband................."Honey, I don't know what to do..... Which side of the street do I need to park the car on so the snow plow can get through?"



With the love and understanding in his voice like all men exhibit.... who are married to Blondes Norman says..................










"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


New Fashion

This man is at work one day when he notices that his male co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

"Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Oh, yeah, sure," says Bob sheepishly.

"Really? How long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in our bed!"


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Old

OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance.

OLD ALCOHOLICS never die, they just lose their spirit.

OLD TEACHERS never die, they just lose their class.

OLD ARTISTS never die, they just get the brush-off.

OLD BANKERS never die, they just lose interest.

OLD DEANS never die, they just lose their faculties.

OLD LAWYERS never die, they just loose their briefs.

OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their appeal.

OLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they just lose their focus.

OLD POSTMEN never die, they just lose their zip.

OLD HOOKERS never die, they just get laid off.

OLD INVESTORS never die, they just roll over.

OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just loose their memory.

OLD SOLDIERS never die, . . . just young ones!

OLD GOLFERS never die... they just lose their balls!



Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Why?

Speaking of new equipment reminds me of the poor fellow who lost his penis in an auto accident. The male members of his family were well endowed, and each volunteered to donate one inch.

One week after the operation, the doctor found him crying in his hospital room and asked if there was a problem with his handiwork.

The man tearfully answered, "It's almost perfect, but why did you put Grandpa's inch in the middle?"


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


The Reason

At a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her husband:
"That's not true I do so enjoy sex!"

Then, turning to the counselor, she explained: "But this animal expects it four or five times a year!"


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures



Old Jokes   41    42    43    44  45  46    47    48    49   Latest


Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

Fuelled by: CodeIgniter - ver: 3.1.9  Debug: 34.204.169.76 / 839,472Mb / 00:43:13 / 200 / No Errors