Tuesday 12th November 2019 - 20:01:36 

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The New Milking Machine

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. When the equipment arrived, his wife was out of town, so he decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the the black suction type thing and then turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry, " replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two quarts."


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Friendship, Men Vs Women

Friendship Among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. Not one of them knew anything about it.




Friendship Among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.






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Passing Time

A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window "Uh, yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?"

"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine, sir."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a lovers' lane. And
nothing obscene is happening!

"What's your age, young man?"

"I'm 25, sir."

"And her ... what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies:

"She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."



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Friends Working in the Sawmill

Sam and John were out cutting wood when John cut his arm off. Sam remained calm, wrapped the arm in a plastic bag, and took the arm and John to a surgeon.

"You are in luck," said the surgeon. "I am an expert in re-attaching limbs. Come back in four hours when I have completed the operation."

So Sam returned in four hours and the surgeon said, "I did it faster than I expected. Jon is down at the pub."

Sam rushed down to the pub and was amazed to see John playing darts.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again when John accidentally cut off his leg.

Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the same surgeon.

"Legs are harder," said the surgeon, "but I'll see what I can do - come back in six hours."

Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's playing football."

Sam went to the field and to his surprise found John kicking 50 meter torpedoes.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again, when John accidentally cut off his own head.

Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon, confident that the skillful surgeon would do the job.

"Gee, heads are really difficult to re-attach," the surgeon muttered, "but I'll see what I can do - come back in 12 hours."

Sam returned in 12 hours.

"How did it go, Doc?" he asked.

"I'm sorry. John died," the surgeon replied. He suffocated in the plastic bag, you idiot!!"


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Confessions

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her soooo much.

However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity too. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said.... "I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."

She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."

Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon. Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another...

As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants she began to scream and ran out of the room!

Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. "You told me you penis was the size of an infant!", she said.

"Yes it is..... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!!"


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Poor Dave

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.

His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know that you drink Budweiser." "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave!"

Dave's funeral is Saturday...



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A Blonde's Last Word.

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"

Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"


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The Kid

A farmer is sitting on the front porch of his house one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire. "Hey kid!" the farmer says, "where ya goin' with that wire?"

"Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire. I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!"

"You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" says the farmer.

"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road.

He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.

Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape. "Hey kid!" the farmer yells, "where ya goin' with that tape?"

"Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape," says the kid, "this here's duck tape. I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!"

"You can't catch ducks with duck tape!" says the farmer.

"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid has a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.

The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick. "Hey kid!" the farmer says, "where ya goin' with that stick?"

"Well, this here ain't just any old stick," says the kid, "this here's pussy willow."

"Hang on," says the farmer, "I'll get my hat!"





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Accident Report

The following is an accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the British equivalent of the Workers Compensation Board.

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident report form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in block #11 of the accident report form that my weight is 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until
the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.

This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope. I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down to me. This explains the two broken legs.

This explains why I cited "poor planning" as the cause of the accident.


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Charades

The world's greatest charade player brags that he can guess any charade. A TV producer decides to use the charade player in a TV special. He issues a challenge offering the charade player a million dollars to guess a very hard charade on television. The Charade player agrees.

Comes the big night, all the world is watching. The charade player is sitting on stage in front of a curtain. Music blares and the curtain opens to reveal seven nude young women.

The second and fourth ladies are holding their breasts, while the other five have their backs to him and are baring their behinds.

The charade player barely glances over them and says, "The William Tell Overture by Rossini".

The flabbergasted producer says in awe, "You've done i!. That's the right answer. You are indeed the greatest charade player!" and hands him a check for a million bucks.

Walking out, a reporter stops the charade player and ask him how he did it.

"It's really simple," says the charade player. "One look at the positions of the seven women, and I realized it as the William Tell Overture".


"Rump... titty... rump... titty... rump... rump... rump".


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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