Wednesday 28th October 2020 - 09:26:06 

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Scotsman at the Dentist

A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for an extraction.

85 pounds for an extraction sir" was the dentists reply.

Och! huv ye nay got unythin cheaper", replies the Scotsman getting agitated.

But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir", said the dentist.

What aboot if ye didnae use uny anaesthetic?", asked the Scotsman hopefully.

Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for 70 pounds, said the dentist.

Hmmmm, what aboot if ye used one of ye dentist trainees and still wi' oot anaesthetic", said the Scotsman.

Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism, and it'll be a lot more painful, but I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say 40", said the dentist.

Och that's still a bit much, how aboot if ye make it a training session and have yon student do the extraction and the other students watchin and learnin", said the Scotsman hopefully.

Hmmmmm, well OK, it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge you only 5 pounds in that case", said the dentist.

"Wonderful, it's a deal" said the Scotsman ... "Can ye book me wife for next Tuesday?


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The Used Car Lot.

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.!

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away."

"We can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed

.......so we're just waiting.




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Moan!

There was an old married Jewish couple, and they were bored with their sex life.

One day, the husband said that he was going to go downtown and check out the peep show's to get some ideas. His wife agreed, saying that she was willing to try anything new.

When the husband returned, she asked "Well, did you learn anything"?

He replied "Well, they do the same things we do, they just moan a lot".

She said that she would try moaning in bed too.

That evening, while having sex, the wife asked "Can I moan now"?

He said "No, not yet".

A little while later, she asked again "Can I moan now"?

Again the husband said "No, not just yet".

Finally, she asked again "Can I moan now"?

He said "YES! Yes! You can moan NOW"!

The wife: "Well, I went to the store today and they did not have what I wanted. Oy! I hate when that happens"!


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Darwin Awards

Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners:


1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....



2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.

The chef's claim was approved.


3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.



4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.



5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.



6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, he man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15.

(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)



7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.



8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."



9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.



******A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*****


10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.


Even more Darwin Awards at http://www.darwinawards.com/ You can get the award by ejecting yourself out of the human gene pool.


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Mental Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug." Do you want a room with or without a view?


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The New Zoo Keeper

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.


Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimpanzee house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? "Feed them to the lions", he says to himself, "because lions eat anything." He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.


He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked and stung by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.


Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like here?"


The other lion turns round and says, "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish, chimps with mushy bees."


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Visiting Friends

Two old school mates, Tony Bennett and Sam Plank went into the music business when they left school. They opened a little Discotheque in the small town where they lived. One day, Tony got run over by a bus. He was such a good man that he went straight to heaven. The years passed by. Tony had married a female Angel and they had two little Angelets. One day Tony turns to his wife Madonna and says " I wonder how my old mate Sam is doing.?"

She replied " You're due for a weekend pass, why don't you pop down and see him?"
So Sam puts on his best long white Angel gown, dusts off his best gold harp and sets off.

The weekend went well. He visited some of his own haunts, and frightened the life out of Sam.
He gets back to Heavens Gate and ten to twelve. He is just about to knock on the door, when he looks down. " Jesus H. Christ" he yells, and scampers back to Earth.

Three oclock in the morning he returns. His wife is waiting outside the door to Heaven, her hair in curlers with a rolling pin in her hand. " Where the Hill have you been!"

Tony looks at her, smiles, opens his arms and starts singing






















"I left my harp, in Sam Planks Disco"


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The New Milking Machine

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. When the equipment arrived, his wife was out of town, so he decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the the black suction type thing and then turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry, " replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two quarts."


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Friendship, Men Vs Women

Friendship Among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. Not one of them knew anything about it.




Friendship Among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.






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Passing Time

A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window "Uh, yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?"

"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine, sir."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a lovers' lane. And
nothing obscene is happening!

"What's your age, young man?"

"I'm 25, sir."

"And her ... what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies:

"She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."



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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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