Sunday 1st November 2020 - 20:23:12 

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My Mother Taught Me...

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4.My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8 My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12 My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
If we always do what we've always done, we'll always get what we always got; and if nothing changes.....nothing changes.

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The Elephant and the Crocodile

An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the jungle, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock. The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle.
"What did you do that for?" asked the crocodile.
The elephant answered, "That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago."
The crocodile said, "And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure do have a good memory."
"Yep," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."

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Turtle Mugging

A turtle is mugged by three snails.
When asked by police to give a description of what happened, he replies, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"

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The Little Turtle

A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell.

After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.

The little turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, watched the turtle with pain. Suddenly the female bird says to the male, "Dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted."

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Oh, that Frank

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy"

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cabbie: "There's more, He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake"

Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too, he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his f*cking widow."

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Sex Dolls

After less than a year of marriage, Jane was becoming more and more frustrated. Her husband Jeff worked very long hours and was no longer interested in Bonking. Plucking up her courage, and with a few stiff drinks inside her, Jane visited a sex shop. "Hello," announced Jane.

"Look, I'm very embarrassed about this. My husband doesn't make love to me. You sell 'Sex Dolls' for men - I'm here because I'm interested in buying, well, a Sex Doll. You know ... one with a BIG Dick - for me."

The shop assistant was taken aback. In front of him was a lady - about
22 years old - with a 38 DD bust ... And a figure he would have crawled over a kilometre of broken glass to buy a coffee for. "Well Miss - or Madam." He took another breath.

"Frankly, we don't get much call for that sort of thing. However, we do have three models in the back room."

Hand on her chin, Jane looked him directly in the eye and smiled.
"Don't just stand there - tell me about them!"

"Well," the man replied, "I'm sure you won't like our first model. It's called 'The Soccer Player'. Don't get me wrong; It's very nice.
Powerful legs ... cute butt - But it does tend to 'dribble' a lot."

Jane wasn't exactly delighted about this. "Well .... No. Not interested in that!" Jane whispered, "What else've you got?"

"Well," came the reply, "We also have the 'Aussie Cricketer' ...
Listen, I must me fair with you. This is a great model, big ... well, Ummm huge, in the right places, but ... "

"Yes !?!" gulped Jane, with eyes like dinner plates.

"Once it's in - It's almost impossible to get it out. Frankly, we've only sold two of these in the last four years"

"Don't want THAT," replied Jane. "You said you have three models.
What's left?"

"I hesitate to even talk about this," answered the shop assistant.
"It's called 'The Santa Claus' Model."

"What d'Ya mean, "The Santa Claus' model?" replied Jane.

"Well," answered the shop assistant. He took a deep breath. "This model only comes once a year and .... when it does - it fills up BOTH your stockings !"

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The Unemployed Married Couple

There was once an unemployed, married couple. The bills kept coming in and they decided it was time for desperate measures. The wife would have to go on the game, with the hubbie as pimp. So they take off for the red light district and find a likely spot. Hubbie waits 'round the corner out of sight while she shows a bit of leg. Soon enough a car crawls by. It stops up the street, then reverses back towards her. The window winds down and she gets the ball rolling.

"Evening, love. Can I help you?"

" much for a w*nk?" says the man, in a state of nervous excitement. "Only I haven't got much money, see."

"Just a minute," she says and scuttles round to ask her husband: "Here, how much should I charge for a w*nk?"

"I don't know," he says. "A fiver, I guess."

Back she goes and tells the young man: "Five pounds for a good w*nk, love."

He says "OK, and much for a blowj*b then?"

"Just a minute....." Round she goes again and asks her husband for the price.

"A blowj*b? Well, gotta be a tenner."

Back she goes to the car and duly reports "Ten pounds'll get you the best bj you've ever had, darlin'."

Says the man: "Oh, right. And for a shag, how much would that be?"

"Just a minute....." etc. etc.

Soon she's back at the car, feeling a little tired. "Well it's twenty quid for a full shag."

The young man looks disappointed and says "Oh dear, I've only got fifteen pounds on me. I'll have a blowj*b then."

So the woman gets in the car and he whips out his manhood. The colour drains from the woman's face. It's like a baby's arm holding an apple! "Just a minute" she says, and scuttling back to her husband says "Quick, love, lend us a fiver!"

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Lost and Famished in the Forest

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle, killed it and started to eat it.

Surprisingly a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment and arrested him for killing an endangered species.

At court, he plead innocent to the charges against him claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation.

The judge ruled in his favor. In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. What did it taste like"?

The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl".

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Snowhite and the Seven Dwarfs

The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch.

However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found There had been a cave-in and there was no sign of the dwarves.

Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "Hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me"?

A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine: "England will win the Ashes"?

"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive".

.....and have you heard the groaner about Snow White?

Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch she took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor.

Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said,

"Don't worry. Someday your prints will come".

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Captain Rudolf Larrson

When I was young, Rudolf Larsson, lived across the road from us. He was a retired Norwegian sea captain and had long flowing flame red locks and a full beard. No-one in the neighbourhood ever went on holiday or arranged a wedding without consulting Captain Rudi because his weather forecasts were always accurate."My daughter's getting married on August 17th" - "Make sure that the outside photos are taken before 3 o'clock as it will rain at about 3:30 but only for one hour". "Late spring holiday? Just a bit colder than usual but no rain". I have never known him to be wrong!

I must have been about 8 or 9 when I asked Mum, "How can Captain Rudi tell what the weather will do?

"Well, son.........................

Rudolf the red knows rain, deer!"

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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