Saturday 14th December 2019 - 23:17:46 

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Leading Professor's Sexual Behaviour Lecture

A leading professor of sexual behaviour is giving a lecture to his students, explaining that peoples overall disposition is directly related to the amount of times they have sex.

"For instance, all those people here who have sex once a week, raise your hands". Quite a few of the students with beaming faces raise their hands.

"Now all those people who have sex once a month raise your hands". A few of the more glum students hold up their hands.

"Now the people who have sex only once a year raise your hands" One or two really miserable buggers raise their hands sheepishly.

"Now anyone who only has sex once every ten years raise their hands" A Guy in the back row with a beaming face and a grin from ear to ear jumps out of his seat and gleefully shouts" Me me me"!!!!!!

The professor is astounded by the man's joyful look, "You only have sex once every ten years"? he inquires
"Yes indeed" says the man barely containing is glee,
"Well why do you look so happy"?



"ITS TONIGHT, ITS TONIGHT" replies the man.






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Perks Of Being Over 50



  1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

  2. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

  3. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

  4. People call at 9 PM and ask, " Did I wake you?"

  5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

  6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

  7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

  8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M..

  9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

  10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

  11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

  12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

  13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

  14. You sing along with elevator music.

  15. Your eyes won't get much worse.

  16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

  17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

  18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

  19. Your supply of brain cells are finally down to manageable size.

  20. You can't remember who sent you this list.




And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Practice random acts of kindness, and senseless acts of beauty.




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Thought for Today About My Wife

When you see your wife running around in the garden, covered in blood, screaming and disoriented... don't panic!


Calm down, relax...


...take aim and shoot again!


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Quotations: Sir Winston Churchill

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.



A love for tradition has never weakened a nation, indeed it has strengthened nations in their hour of peril.



All great things are simple, and many can be expressed in single words: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope.



Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed.



An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile - hoping it will eat him last.



Broadly speaking, the short words are the best, and the old words best of all.



Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash. [cheesy.gif]



Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb.



From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.



He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.



History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.



I cannot pretend to feel impartial about colours. I rejoice with the brilliant ones and am genuinely sorry for the poor browns.



I have always felt that a politician is to be judged by the animosities he excites among his opponents.



I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.



It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.



It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time.



It's not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what's required.



It's no use saying, ''We are doing our best.'' You have got to succeed in doing what is necessary.



Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened.



Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.



Never, never, never believe any war will be smooth and easy, or that anyone who embarks on the strange voyage can measure the tides and hurricanes he will encounter. The statesman who yields to war fever must realize that once the signal is given, he is no longer the master of policy but the slave of unforeseeable and uncontrollable events.



One ought never to turn one's back on a threatened danger and try to run away from it. If you do that, you will double the danger. But if you meet it promptly and without flinching, you will reduce the danger by half.



Personally I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.



Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.



The price of greatness is responsibility.



The reserve of modern assertions is sometimes pushed to extremes, in which the fear of being contradicted leads the writer to strip himself of almost all sense and meaning.



There are a terrible lot of lies going around the world, and the worst of it is half of them are true.



To build may have to be the slow and laborious task of years. To destroy can be the thoughtless act of a single day.



True genius resides in the capacity for evaluation of uncertain, hazardous, and conflicting information.



We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give.



When I am abroad, I always make it a rule never to criticize or attack the government of my own country. I make up for lost time when I come home.



When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber.




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Hearing Aid and Perception

Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson.

"That depends," he said. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."

"Let's see the $2.00 model," said Morris the miser.

The salesperson put the device around Morris' neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.

"How does it work?" , asked Morris.

"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesperson replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."


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No Laughing Matter

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I've got this problem you see, only you've got to promise not to laugh".

The doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh! That would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over twenty years of being a doctor I've never laughed at a patient."

"OK then", says the man, and he drops his trousers. The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life. Despite his best efforts, he begins laughing, softly at first, then uncontrollably.

Several minutes later he manages to compose himself and wipes the tears from his eyes. "I'm so sorry", he says to the patient, "I don't know what came over me, I won't let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

The man looks up at the doctor with sad eyes and says, "It's swollen."


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Should Have Quit...

A man is waiting for wife to give birth.

The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!

But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.

With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"!

The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop!

Two arms pops out.

The bar goes wild.

The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant "Take another drink"!

The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was still a head."


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Marriage Councellor's Solution

The husband and wife go to a marriage counselor after 15 years of marriage.

The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately rips off her clothes and makes mad passionate love to her. Needless to say, the woman shuts up
and sits quietly with a very satisfied daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says, "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I play golf.


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Ugly Woman...

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.

The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"??

The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7.

Why? Do you think they look alike?"?

"No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice"!



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Little Johnny and the Horse with the Broken Leg

Little Johhny showed up late for school one day and the teacher asked why.

The johhny explained that a hole had been dug in the road for some waterworks maintenance and a horse had fallen in and hurt itself badly amongst other injuries it had a broken leg, the police were called and they had to shoot the horse.

The teacher, engrossed in the story, without thinking asked, 'Did they shoot the horse in the the hole?

To which the little Johhny replied, 'No, they shot it in the head!'





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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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