Monday 16th December 2019 - 12:03:21 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

NO Pictures - Just Jokes
Mobile User Friendly


How to Stop Smoking

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars.

The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your ######. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."

"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.

"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!"

"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient.

"What in the hel_l is that supposed to mean?"

"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass..."


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Symptoms of Being over 30

1. You leave clubs before the end to "beat the rush".

2. You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than going clubbing.

3. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer and start dreaming of having a son who might instead.

4. Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property section.

5. You prefer Later with Jools Holland to Top of the Pops.

6. All of a sudden, Tony Blair is not 46, he's only 46.

7. Before going out anywhere, you ask what the parking is like.

8. Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them because they'll be all right for the garden/decorating.

9. You buy your first ever T-shirt without anything written on it.

10. Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out of the newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving properties of a plastic winter cover for your garden bench and an electronic mole repellent for the lawn. Not to mention the plastic man for the car to deter would-be thieves.

11. You start to worry about your parents' health.

12. You complain that ecstasy's "not as pure as it used to be coz you know that if you have some it will take about 48 hours to recover and anyway, you might look a bit of an idiot.

13. Sure, you have more disposable income, but everything you want to buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.

14. You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a Wallace and Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they are for your child.

15. Pop music all starts to sound cr*p.

16. You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they don't have any pictures on the menus and anyway, they do a really nice half-bottle of house white.

17. You become powerless to resist the lure of self-assembly furniture.

18. You always have enough milk in.

19. To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go clubbing, you instead frequent really loud tapas restaurants and franchise pubs with wacky names in the mistaken belief that you have
not turned into your parents.

20. While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's Time Team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in.

21. The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.

22. You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q.

23. You wish you had a shed.

24. You have a shed.

25. You actually find yourself saying "They don't make 'em like that anymore" and "I remember when there were only 3 TV channels" and "Of course in my day...."

26. Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 -and Jimmy Young has some really interesting guests on.

27. Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus, you tut at schoolchildren whose diction is poor.

28. When sitting outside a pub you become envious of their hanging baskets.

29. You make an effort to be in and out of the curry house by 11.

30. You find yourself saying "is it cold in here or is it just me?"






Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Little Johnny Drawing

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little Johnny who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

Little Johhny replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from his drawing little Johnny replied, "They will in a minute."




Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Who's Driving

A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the backseat. The women don't leave him alone. His mother-in-law says, "You're driving too fast!"

His wife says, "Stay more to the left."

After ten mixed orders, the man turns to his wife and asks, "Who's driving this car - you or your mother?"




Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Quotations from Actual Students Essays

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a
pinhole in it.

She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.

He was a tall as a six foot three inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the east river.

Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

Young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a really duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.

The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.

He was deeply in love when she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV guide crossword.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.



Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Peter Kaye-isms., True. For Those that May Have Missed It.

All true....

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24) You never ever run out of salt.

25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.




Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Leading Professor's Sexual Behaviour Lecture

A leading professor of sexual behaviour is giving a lecture to his students, explaining that peoples overall disposition is directly related to the amount of times they have sex.

"For instance, all those people here who have sex once a week, raise your hands". Quite a few of the students with beaming faces raise their hands.

"Now all those people who have sex once a month raise your hands". A few of the more glum students hold up their hands.

"Now the people who have sex only once a year raise your hands" One or two really miserable buggers raise their hands sheepishly.

"Now anyone who only has sex once every ten years raise their hands" A Guy in the back row with a beaming face and a grin from ear to ear jumps out of his seat and gleefully shouts" Me me me"!!!!!!

The professor is astounded by the man's joyful look, "You only have sex once every ten years"? he inquires
"Yes indeed" says the man barely containing is glee,
"Well why do you look so happy"?



"ITS TONIGHT, ITS TONIGHT" replies the man.






Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Perks Of Being Over 50



  1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

  2. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

  3. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

  4. People call at 9 PM and ask, " Did I wake you?"

  5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

  6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

  7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

  8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M..

  9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

  10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

  11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

  12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

  13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

  14. You sing along with elevator music.

  15. Your eyes won't get much worse.

  16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

  17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

  18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

  19. Your supply of brain cells are finally down to manageable size.

  20. You can't remember who sent you this list.




And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Practice random acts of kindness, and senseless acts of beauty.




Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Thought for Today About My Wife

When you see your wife running around in the garden, covered in blood, screaming and disoriented... don't panic!


Calm down, relax...


...take aim and shoot again!


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Quotations: Sir Winston Churchill

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.



A love for tradition has never weakened a nation, indeed it has strengthened nations in their hour of peril.



All great things are simple, and many can be expressed in single words: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope.



Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed.



An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile - hoping it will eat him last.



Broadly speaking, the short words are the best, and the old words best of all.



Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash. [cheesy.gif]



Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb.



From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.



He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.



History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.



I cannot pretend to feel impartial about colours. I rejoice with the brilliant ones and am genuinely sorry for the poor browns.



I have always felt that a politician is to be judged by the animosities he excites among his opponents.



I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.



It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.



It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time.



It's not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what's required.



It's no use saying, ''We are doing our best.'' You have got to succeed in doing what is necessary.



Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened.



Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.



Never, never, never believe any war will be smooth and easy, or that anyone who embarks on the strange voyage can measure the tides and hurricanes he will encounter. The statesman who yields to war fever must realize that once the signal is given, he is no longer the master of policy but the slave of unforeseeable and uncontrollable events.



One ought never to turn one's back on a threatened danger and try to run away from it. If you do that, you will double the danger. But if you meet it promptly and without flinching, you will reduce the danger by half.



Personally I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.



Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.



The price of greatness is responsibility.



The reserve of modern assertions is sometimes pushed to extremes, in which the fear of being contradicted leads the writer to strip himself of almost all sense and meaning.



There are a terrible lot of lies going around the world, and the worst of it is half of them are true.



To build may have to be the slow and laborious task of years. To destroy can be the thoughtless act of a single day.



True genius resides in the capacity for evaluation of uncertain, hazardous, and conflicting information.



We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give.



When I am abroad, I always make it a rule never to criticize or attack the government of my own country. I make up for lost time when I come home.



When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber.




Share with friends?

Funny Pictures



Old Jokes   45    46    47    48  49  50    51    52    53   Latest


Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

Fuelled by: CodeIgniter - ver: 3.1.9  Debug: 3.81.29.254 / 860,376Mb / 12:03:21 / 200 / No Errors