Saturday 31st October 2020 - 20:59:39 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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Woman Goes to the Doctor

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, Doctor.

Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said,that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

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The Building Site

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction
site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a big dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he awasa ina charge ofa supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I nocouldafinda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you; I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad; boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either."

The foreman is real angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells...


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Corporate Wisdom from Will Rogers

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash with his best friend, Wylie Post, was probably the greatest political sage this country ever has known. Will was quite the cowboy, with all the wisdom of simple, honest folk. His words of wisdom still ring with common sense today...

Simple but Brilliant and full of truths! Enjoy!

Enjoy the following:

  1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

  2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

  3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman .
    Neither works.

  4. Always drink upstream from the herd.

  5. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

  6. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence,
    try ordering somebody else's dog around.

  7. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

  8. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

  9. There are three kinds of men:
    The ones that learn by reading.
    The few who learn by observation.
    The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

  10. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

  11. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then
    to make sure it's still there.

  12. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

  13. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
    He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
    The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

  14. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

  15. When you're throwin' your weight around,
    be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

  16. And finally - Never miss a good chance to shut up.


  • Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

  • The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

  • Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

  • When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

  • You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

  • I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

  • One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

  • One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

  • Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

  • Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

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Beware when You Come Home!

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late.

One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.

"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home".

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late. "Hey, why aren't you sleeping" he asks?

"I was was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom".

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Little Johnny Was in Class...

Little Johnny was in class. He raised his hand and the teacher said, "What is it, Johnny?"

Johnny said, "I've got to go shit, ma'am."

The teacher replied, "Johnny don't ever talk like that in class again next time say number 2."

Johnny says, "Yes, ma'am."

About an hour later Johnny raises his hand again and the teacher says, "What is it now, Johnny?"

Johnny says, "My brother has to go shit, what's his number?"

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Council Job Application

A guy goes to the local County Council to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes" he says. "I was in the Lebanon for three years."

The interviewer says "That will give you extra points towards employment" and then asks, " Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes 100%.....a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "Ok you're hired. The hours are from 8.00am to4 .00pm. You can start tomorrow, come in at 10.00am."

The guy is puzzled and asks "If the hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm then why do you want me to come in at 10.00am"

The interviewer replies "This is a council job, for the first 2 hours we sit around scratching our balls, there's no point you coming in for that".

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One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did at the next race.Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the horseslined up for the 5th race and place a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first.

He began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew all his savings and waited for the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitch put all his money including his life savings on the horse and went trackside to watch. The horse led the race until the home straight when it suddenly became distressed and fell to the ground dead.

Mitch was dumbfounded. He made his way to the priest and demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost all my savings, thanks to you!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."

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The Robot Bar-tender

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, “What’s your IQ?” The man replies “150” and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, “This is really cool.” He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, “What’s your IQ?” The man responds, “about a 100.” Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, cars, beer, guns, and breasts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, “What’s your IQ?” The man replies, “Er, 10, I think.”

And the robot says real slowly ... “So ............... ya ... gonna ... vote ... for ... Blair ... again???”

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Little Johnny Wanted To...

Little Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his class but she belonged to someone else. One day Little Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said. "I'll give you a $1000 if you let me screw you." But the girl said "NO!".

Little Johnny said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.

So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says "Ask him for $2000, by the time you pick up the money he won't even be able to get his pants down." So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks "What happened...?"



Now even though THIS IS A JOKE, there is a management lesson:

Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

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Life in the Australian Army

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga, to Mum and Dad.

(For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland.)

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too.

Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack -nothin'!! Blokes haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered
because we've been on a 'route march' - geez, its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me Brothers Doug and Phil with laughter.

I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year!

All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - its a piece of piss!!

You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload! Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders, and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,


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Old Jokes   46    47    48    49  50  51    52    53    54   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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