Sunday 28th June 2020 - 18:40:31 

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The Medical Specimen

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

"Yes but try as we did, we just couldn't get the lid off the jar...

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The Ant and the Grasshopper


The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.



The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food. Britons are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The BBC, interrupting a Jamaican cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome" Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the ant has got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".

In response to polls, the Labour Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the government repossesses his home.

The ant moves to Spain, and starts a successful wine-exporting company. A Panorama special later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.

Inadequate government funding is blamed, Trevor Phillips is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will cost £10,000,000. The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Daily Mirror blames it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity. The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a marijuana plantation and terrorise the community.


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The Genie

Ole and Sven were playing golf when Sven pulled out a cigar. Sven didn't have a lighter so he asked Ole for a light.

"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Ole reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter.

"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did yew get dat monster??"

"Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie."

"You haff a genie?" Sven asked.

"Ya, shure, he's right here in my golf bag," said Ole.

"Could I see him?"

Ole opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.

Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"

"Yes I will", the genie said; so Sven asks him for a million bucks.

The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.

Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million Bucks, not ducks!"

Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing.

Do yew really tink I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?"

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Woman Goes to the Doctor

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, Doctor.

Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said,that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

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The Building Site

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction
site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a big dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he awasa ina charge ofa supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I nocouldafinda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you; I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad; boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either."

The foreman is real angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells...


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Corporate Wisdom from Will Rogers

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash with his best friend, Wylie Post, was probably the greatest political sage this country ever has known. Will was quite the cowboy, with all the wisdom of simple, honest folk. His words of wisdom still ring with common sense today...

Simple but Brilliant and full of truths! Enjoy!

Enjoy the following:

  1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

  2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

  3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman .
    Neither works.

  4. Always drink upstream from the herd.

  5. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

  6. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence,
    try ordering somebody else's dog around.

  7. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

  8. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

  9. There are three kinds of men:
    The ones that learn by reading.
    The few who learn by observation.
    The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

  10. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

  11. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then
    to make sure it's still there.

  12. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

  13. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
    He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
    The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

  14. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

  15. When you're throwin' your weight around,
    be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

  16. And finally - Never miss a good chance to shut up.


  • Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

  • The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

  • Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

  • When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

  • You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

  • I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

  • One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

  • One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

  • Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

  • Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

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Beware when You Come Home!

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late.

One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.

"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home".

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late. "Hey, why aren't you sleeping" he asks?

"I was was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom".

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Little Johnny Was in Class...

Little Johnny was in class. He raised his hand and the teacher said, "What is it, Johnny?"

Johnny said, "I've got to go shit, ma'am."

The teacher replied, "Johnny don't ever talk like that in class again next time say number 2."

Johnny says, "Yes, ma'am."

About an hour later Johnny raises his hand again and the teacher says, "What is it now, Johnny?"

Johnny says, "My brother has to go shit, what's his number?"

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Council Job Application

A guy goes to the local County Council to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes" he says. "I was in the Lebanon for three years."

The interviewer says "That will give you extra points towards employment" and then asks, " Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes 100%.....a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "Ok you're hired. The hours are from 8.00am to4 .00pm. You can start tomorrow, come in at 10.00am."

The guy is puzzled and asks "If the hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm then why do you want me to come in at 10.00am"

The interviewer replies "This is a council job, for the first 2 hours we sit around scratching our balls, there's no point you coming in for that".

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One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did at the next race.Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the horseslined up for the 5th race and place a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first.

He began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew all his savings and waited for the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitch put all his money including his life savings on the horse and went trackside to watch. The horse led the race until the home straight when it suddenly became distressed and fell to the ground dead.

Mitch was dumbfounded. He made his way to the priest and demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost all my savings, thanks to you!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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