Wednesday 28th October 2020 - 10:36:48 

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Yellow 24

A man goes to the doctor after feeling unwell for some time, after a series of the tests the doctor tells him it's very bad news, that he has an incurable disease called yellow 24.

He tells the man that he could be struck down at anytime, that the first symptoms would be the man would turn yellow and then within 24 hours he would be dead. The man is obviously devastated, but the doctor can do nothing and advises the man he makes a will and makes his peace with the world.

The man returns home and tells his wife, who is shocked to hear the news and breaks down crying.

The man consoles her by saying that he had always tried to be a good husband, but if there was anything he had done that might cause her regret, then he would like to make it up to her.

She tells him that indeed he had been a good husband, but one thing that had always upset her was that he had always made fun of her one interest in life, going to the bingo.

The man says that he was sorry for making fun of her and that he would accompany her to the bingo that night to show how much he cared for her.

So there they are together at the bingo, the man has his bingo card in front of him and as the callers shouts out the numbers he starts marking them off, first he gets all four corners, he wins £25. then he gets a line of numbers, he wins £50. then he gets a full house, he wins £500. then his card comes up on the national draw and he wins £100,000!

The man goes up to the caller to collect his prize money and the caller says to him
"I have never seen anything like this before, it's incredible, you must be the luckiest man alive"

"you've got to be kidding" the man says "I've got yellow 24"

"unf##king believable!" says the caller "you've won the raffle too!"


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You Finish?

A virile, young Italian man was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome, when he managed
to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom for sex.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So... You finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love-making resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The love-making ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?"

And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted Italian falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian!"


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Quotations

Quotes:

You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." . . .Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." . . . Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." . . . Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Ferrari 360." . . . Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." . . . Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." . . . George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." . . . Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." . . . Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." . . . Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." . . . Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." . . . Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." . . . Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" . . . Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." . . . . Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house." . . . Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." . . . Robin Williams


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A Night With The Girls

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.


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A Duck Hunter’s Early Start

One Friday night a man tells his wife that he is going duck hunting in the morning.

She says, "I want to go too."

He says, "NO... You are too hard to wake up."

She begged him, "Please, Please. I promise I will wake up early." He says, "O.K. but if you wont get up, I'm going to screw you up the ass or you are going to give me a blow job."

She said, "I've got nothing to worry about because I will wake up."

3:00am the next morning the alarm goes off. The man gets up and tries to wake up his wife. She's still laying there and he tells her that he is going to take a shower and when he gets out she'd better be up. He gets out of the shower and she is still sleeping. He tells her he is going to give her one more chance to wake up. He has to go out and get their stuff and put the dogs in the truck and when he comes back in she has to be awake or she has to pay up. He's out there about 30 minutes and when he comes back in his wife is snoring.

He is pissed. He wakes her up.

He said, "OK now whats it going to be? In the ass or a blow job?"

She said, "all right... I can't take in the ass so I will give you a blow job."

He pulls out his cock and she starts sucking on it.

Then she begins to spit and spit. She says, "THAT TASTES LIKE SHIT!!!"

He said, "Yeah, I know, the dogs didn't want to wake up either."


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Safe Sex

Q. Do you know how the [insert politically incorrect race here] practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!


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The Christmas Present from the Husband Who Bought his Wife a Mood Ring




My husband bought me a mood ring for Christmas.


When I'm in a good mood it turns green.


When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.


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Grandpa and his Grand-daughter

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old grand-daughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

He replied, "How did you know?"

She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole!" afterwards.





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The Newlyweds

Just a few days after the wedding, the two blissful newlyweds switch off the lights and crawl under the sheets. Turning amorously towards his new bride, he tenderly informs her that tonight he wants a hand job instead of the full deal.

She, still being very naive, had not a clue what a "hand job" was. So, she climbs out of bed, puts on her robe and heads for the phone to call mom.

"Mom," she says, "my new hubby wants a hand job and I don't know what he means?"

"Oh, Honey," says her mother, "that's real simple. Just grab his thing, and shake it like you were trying to get ketchup out of a bottle."

"Gee, Mom, that's easy enough," she replies.

So she hangs up the phone, goes back to the bedroom, removes her robe and crawls back into the sack. She snuggles up to her husband, grabs his thing firmly with one hand and starts pounding the head with the other.




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The Gambler and the Taxi-driver

A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, all to no avail.

The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch- hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me oral sex on the way?"

"What? Get the hell out of my cab!"

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "OK," and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

.


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The idea is to die young as late as possible

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