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The MistressA husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is a lot prettier," she replies.
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A Present for the WifeMy wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt, you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future.
Last weekend I spied something at the pawnshop that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for my wife.
The occasion was our 18th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser gun with a clip.
For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety
You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found, much to my chagrin, that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs
How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so.
Awesome! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!
I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to her what that burn spot on the face of her microwave is.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, etc., etc.
There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.
I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. He is such a sweet pup, after all. However, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
Was I wrong to think that? It seemed reasonable to me at the time.
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "No friggin' way!"
Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
Those of you who know me well have a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with his head cocked to one side as to say, "Don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?).
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.
(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-- always 20-20. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya just hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY*********! DAaaaauuuuuuMN
I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, and then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position.
The dog was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, "Do it again, do it again!"
NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Taser, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep into your thigh like yours truly.)
SON-OF-A-*****; that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My glasses were on the TV across the room. How did they get there???
My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm sure.
By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em; sure would like to get 'em back
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The Medical SpecimenAn 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
"Yes but try as we did, we just couldn't get the lid off the jar...
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The Ant and the GrasshopperCLASSIC VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE PC BRITISH VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving.
The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food. Britons are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The BBC, interrupting a Jamaican cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome" Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the ant has got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".
In response to polls, the Labour Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the government repossesses his home.
The ant moves to Spain, and starts a successful wine-exporting company. A Panorama special later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.
Inadequate government funding is blamed, Trevor Phillips is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will cost £10,000,000. The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Daily Mirror blames it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity. The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a marijuana plantation and terrorise the community.
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The GenieOle and Sven were playing golf when Sven pulled out a cigar. Sven didn't have a lighter so he asked Ole for a light.
"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Ole reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did yew get dat monster??"
"Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie."
"You haff a genie?" Sven asked.
"Ya, shure, he's right here in my golf bag," said Ole.
"Could I see him?"
Ole opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.
Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes I will", the genie said; so Sven asks him for a million bucks.
The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.
Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million Bucks, not ducks!"
Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing.
Do yew really tink I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?"
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Woman Goes to the DoctorA wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, Doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said,that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"
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The Building SiteAn Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction
site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a big dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he awasa ina charge ofa supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I nocouldafinda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you; I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad; boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either."
The foreman is real angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells...
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Corporate Wisdom from Will RogersWill Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash with his best friend, Wylie Post, was probably the greatest political sage this country ever has known. Will was quite the cowboy, with all the wisdom of simple, honest folk. His words of wisdom still ring with common sense today...
Simple but Brilliant and full of truths! Enjoy!
Enjoy the following:
- Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
- Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
- There are two theories to arguing with a woman .
- Always drink upstream from the herd.
- If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
- If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence,
try ordering somebody else's dog around.
- It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
- The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
- There are three kinds of men:
The ones that learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
- Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
- If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then
to make sure it's still there.
- Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
- After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
- When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
- When you're throwin' your weight around,
be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
- And finally - Never miss a good chance to shut up.
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
- Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
- The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
- Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.
- When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
- You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
- I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
- One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
- One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
- Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
- Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
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Beware when You Come Home!There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late.
One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.
"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home".
One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late. "Hey, why aren't you sleeping" he asks?
"I was was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom".
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Little Johnny Was in Class...Little Johnny was in class. He raised his hand and the teacher said, "What is it, Johnny?"
Johnny said, "I've got to go shit, ma'am."
The teacher replied, "Johnny don't ever talk like that in class again next time say number 2."
Johnny says, "Yes, ma'am."
About an hour later Johnny raises his hand again and the teacher says, "What is it now, Johnny?"
Johnny says, "My brother has to go shit, what's his number?"
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