Friday 19th July 2019 - 19:31:28 

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An Australian Genie!

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an AUSTRALIAN TAXATION OFFICE badge and a dull grey dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this", says the man. "I'm not going to trust an ATO auditor genie." "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?"

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon




And the moral of the story?




If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached




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Reducing your Ration

Maurice was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.

"It's the wife," said Maurie. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing she's cut my sex down to once a week."

"Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner, "she's cut some of us out altogether."





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Reducing Expenditure

After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping. The receipt included $45 in makeup.

I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back...







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Steve Jobs, Ceo

Steve Jobs has now designated himself as the "iCEO" of Apple, saying that it shows the importance of the Internet.

If we assume that this makes him the Executive Internet Officer, and if we further assume that Apple is going to continue the terminally cute practice of putting an "i" in front of everything, and if we assume that, like every other high tech company interested in online commerce, they are going to stick an "e" in front, then, does that make him the "eiEIO?"







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To Make a Woman Happy; a Man Only Needs to Be:

1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father

6. a master

7. a chef

8. an electrician

9. a carpenter

10. a plumber

11. a mechanic

12. a decorator

13. a stylist

14. a sexologist

15. a gynaecologist

16. a psychologist

17. a pest exterminator

18. a psychiatrist

19. a healer

20. a good listener

21. an organiser

22. a good father

23. very clean

24. sympathetic

25. athletic

26. warm

27. attentive

28. gallant

29. intelligent

30. funny

31. creative

32. tender

33. strong

34. understanding

35. tolerant

36. prudent

37. ambitious

38. capable

39. courageous

40. determined

41. true

42. dependable

43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. give her compliments regularly

45. love shopping

46. be honest

47. be very rich

48. not stress her out

49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes


IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

53. Never to forget:

* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :

1. Shag him

2. Leave him in peace

3. Keep plenty of beer in the 'fridge



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How to Keep Fit for the Elderly...

This may work for younger people also

Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my friends and family. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-pound potato sacks. Then 50-pound potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.



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Chatup Line

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a blonde lady who is sitting by herself.

Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"

Lady: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."

Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

Lady: "No, they spread."



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Perfume

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.

"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.




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Second Try!

Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I discovered that it had not been one of my wife's better days.

Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.

By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all over again.

My wife agreed. I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, announced, "Honey, I'm home!"

"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply. "It's after seven o'clock!"




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Fatherly Advice to his Daughter

A young college student came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!"

"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.

"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake."

"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my cheques with a note saying "Insufficient Funds".






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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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