Wednesday 20th November 2019 - 09:32:35 

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A Greek and an Italian Were Drinking Coffee...

A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".

Arching his eyebrows the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."


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Who Wants to Be a Pig?

Not sure how true this is, but enjoy anyway




If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.



(Hardly seems worth it.)



If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.


(Now that's more like it!)



The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.


(O.M.G.!)


A A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.



(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)



(I'm still not over the pig.)



Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour



(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)



The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.



("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")



The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.


(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)



The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.



(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)




Some lions mate over 50 times a day.



(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)



Butterflies taste with their feet.



(Something I always wanted to know.)





The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.



(Hmmmmmm......)




Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.



(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)



Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.



(okay, so that would be a good thing)



A cat's urine glows under a black light.




(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)



An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.



(I know some people like that.)



Starfish have no brains



(I know some people like that too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.



(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)



Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.



(What about that pig??)


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Offside Rule Explained to Women

With the World Cup approaching, this could be very useful advice....

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also & is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes. The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma. She prepares to throw her purse to you. If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes!

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, "whilst it is in flight" you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes!

BUT, you must always remember that until the purse has "actually been thrown", it would be plain wrong to be in front of the other shopper!

NOW DO YOU GET IT?!!


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Words of Wit and Wisdom

In just two days tomorrow will be yesterday. But I never saw either on the calendar

Always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.

My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, He takes something for it.

Never be afraid to try something new, remember amateurs built the ark - professionals built the Titanic.

Love is grand - divorce is a hundred grand.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common, they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

One of life's mysteries - how can a two pound box of candy make a person gain five pounds.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.




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Cowboy from Brokeback Mountain

A rugged Cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Colorado, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."

Cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalopeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

Cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."








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Don't You Love Me No More

Sitting at the dinning table one night, the husband divided a piece of steak into a bigger half and a smaller half.

Keeping the bigger half for himself he gave the smaller half to his wife.

Wife looked into his eyes and asked, "Dear, during the first few years of our marriage, you used to take the smaller piece and give me the bigger one, but today you did the opposite, is it because you don't love me no more?"

"Nonsense, darling, you just cook better now."







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Cheating Patient

A man is trying to avoid doctor's fee after having an eye surgery.

When the doctor asks, "how do you feel, can you see clearly?" the man replies, "doc. i can't see a thing."

Doctor thinks for a while, then gestures a nurse to come in and undress in front of the man.

The man again replies he can't see a thing when the doctor asked him yet once again if he can see anything?

The doctor motions the nurse to spread her legs and then asks the man, "Do you see anything now?"

The man shakes his head and gives a firm reply, "No doctor, i can see nothing."

Doctor gives the man a tight bird (slap) on the head and exclaims, "If you can't see a thing, why are you getting an erection?"


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Ponderisms Version: 001


I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?


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Olympic Games 2012

As you may know, London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012. What you may not know, is that many of the famous events which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2012. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY

The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area, in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS

In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT

Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES

As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc)

HAMMER

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.

FENCING

Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING

A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk bank teller or securicor style wages delivery man. The traditional..22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

BOXING

Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS

Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT

As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON

Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

SWIMMING EVENTS

All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming even for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve".

THE MARATHON

A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50km WALK

Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially anyone that appears to be mincing ...

THE CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch invasion by a confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.


Late News:

Apparently Liverpool were set to put in a bid very similar to the above but with the Pentathlon modified to include: Killing a spouse, digging a hole, burying the body, laying a patio and the strangely named 'Calm Down' contest.

To guarantee the entry of any Mancunian athletes at all, Drugs testing has been waived this year.


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A Farang Came out of a Toilet...

A Farang (foreigner) came out of a toilet one morning after having a spicy Som Tam (Thailand's equivalent to a very hot curry) dinner the night before.

"God!!! Now I know why they use water, bloody tissue can catch fire, man!!!!!"


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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