Tuesday 14th July 2020 - 19:07:02 

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Suv Black Box Voice Recorders Last 16 Seconds Before the Crash


The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past 5 years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 39 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh Shit !"

Only the states of Georgia, Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Arkansas, Kentucky, South Carolina, North Carolina and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:

"Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin".





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Rodney's One Liners

Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard!

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!

And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!





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Spanish Lessons

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.


''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.'' ''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.''

A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?''

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.


The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computadora''), because ....

1 No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later
retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (''el computador''), because .....


1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.


The women won




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In the Beginning

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then sai d, "Go over to the hill......."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, sai d angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said

*


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"What's a headache?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




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Topical

A Bear, a Lion and a Chicken meet....

Bear says: "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

Lion says: "If I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me"

Chicken says: "Big deal, I only have to cough and the entire planet shits itself



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Doctor's Opinion

The patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of the recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum.

"I can't be sure what's wrong with you," the doctor said. "I think it's the drinking."

"Okay," the patient said. "Can we get an opinion from a doctor who's sober?"


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Rabies diagnosed by the doctor

The tough, macho businessman was feeling very ill and went to the doctor.

The doctor examined him and backed away, saying, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have an advanced case of highly infectious rabies. You must have had it for some time. It will almost certainly be fatal."

"Please give me a pen and paper?" requested the businessman.

"Do you want to write your will?"

"No, I want to make a list of all the people I want to bite."




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Ponderisms Version: 002

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.



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Thailand Headlines

Freddie from Surin was fed up with his wife, so he decided to do away with her. He called up his mate Artie, agreed to do the job for 10,000 baht. Freddie was a bit skint so he told his mate he would give him 10baht to seal the contract, and the rest when his wifes insurance was paid.

Artie hides out in Big C toilet, till he see's Freddies wife coming. He strangles her, but just as he was clearing up a maid comes in and starts screaming. He strangles her as well.

The whole thing was caught on video though, and the police came and arrested the murderer.

Next day the headlines read (scroll down...)








Artie chokes two for 10 baht in Big C.






The British Version:


So, here's the story.. . .

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single one pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the pound coin as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...





You're going to hate me for this...





"ARTIE CHOKES 2 for 1 pound AT TESCO"

Oh, quit groaning!

I don't write this stuff,

I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to my other warped friends.


Another groaner from: Howard









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Irish Border Crossing

Five Englishmen turn up at the Irish border in an Audi Quatro

Paddy at the crossing says " One of you get out, five in that car is illegal. Quatro means four"

" Don't be silly you dumb Irishman" the driver said. " I want to speak to someone with a bit of intelligence. Where's your supervisor?"

" He can't come" Paddy replied " He's busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno"





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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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